


Letters to You...

by Hyperionova



Category: EXO (Band), Kai - Fandom, KaiHun - Fandom, Sehun - Fandom, Sekai - Fandom
Genre: Disability, M/M, Medieval, Romance, Tragedy, deaf-mute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 05:17:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 43,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5696440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyperionova/pseuds/Hyperionova





	1. Foreword

He is just Kai's friend's betrothed. One that never really notices Kai. But Kai on the other hand is in love with him. It is never going to work out anyway. A working-class mute boy won't stand a chance with the straight, rich heartthrob. Kai can't speak or hear so how is he supposed to tell Sehun of his feelings for him? Even if he manages to do so, he knows that Sehun is not attracted to men, although he appears to be feminine at times which makes Kai laugh now and then. But that is because he is rich and well-attended. Every single day of his life in the small village, Kai watches and admires Sehun from far but never musters the courage to approach him. Even if Sehun would talk to him once, Kai might just die out of happiness. The thing is... Kai couldn't really hear his voice which would be a far worse scenario for him to take in. But even so. He wants Sehun to notice him and him alone. That is not something possible and he knows that very well. 

 

The only thing Kai could do is write hundreds of letters that he could never give Sehun. Kai wants to tell Sehun that he loves him.

 

* * *

**Kim Kai**

17-year-old mute and deaf. Has a major crush on a boy who doesn't even acknowledge his existence. Chops woods for surivival and lives with his mother. His mother has a hard time finding a partner for him since no one would want a husband who's dumb and deaf.

 

 

 

**Oh Sehun**

The village's chief's son. 17-year-old and is betrothed. Life's goes easy on him since he has everything and is one of the most respected people in the village. Doesn't care much for the working class and he sure as hell doesn't notice Kai who couldn't utter even a word.

 

 

 

**Bomi**

Kai's best friend and Sehun's betrothed.

 

"If you love someone, Tell Them, Don’t let your heart be broken by words left unspoken."


	2. The Beginning and The End.

The world can be peaceful when every turmoil and disturbance that occured around were ignored. All that people need to do was shut everything out. And it was exceptionally easy for Kai. The only thing that was required of him to do was to close his eyes and nothing would matter to him accept the rush of his blood in the veins and the beat of his heart. The calm wind that soothed his goosefleshed skin was often neglected by many but not Kai. He heard the breeze more than he could ever hear the voice of people. He felt the chill more than he could feel the warmth of another body. He conversed more with the breeze than with real humans. And he enjoyed it. He can really relate to the wind. No one can hear it or did it care about what people said about it.

A smile stretched across Kai's lips as he appreciated every bit of the benign wind as if a kiss upon his cheek. A sudden shake on his shoulder shuddered Kai's whole body as his flashed open and he looked up at the heavily gowned girl standing by him. He grinned up at her and rose to his full height, getting off the mossed bark of a fallen tree. "Why do you keep smiling like that to yourself. People are going to think you're loony." said Bomi as Kai read her red lips. She was a fairly pretty one. No, who was Kai kidding? Bomi was the prettiest girl in the village. But sometimes Kai wished she wouldn't apply such thick paint on her lips and cheeks. They were just as gaudy as her outfit.

Kai motioned his hands. _'What makes you think I possibly care about what people think of me?'_

Bomi rolled her eyes. Over the years, she had been one of the very few people who could understand sign language in the village. "In that case, you are never getting a fair maiden into your breeches, my friend." she clapped a hand on Kai's arm.

_'Am not waiting for any.'_

"Uh huh." she ruffled and messed up Kai's hair. "Why are you so messy? And sweaty. And you stink."

Kai threw his hands up. 'I chop woods. What do you expect? What do you want anyway?'

"Are you done for today?"

Kai nodded his head.

"Good." Bomi tightened the laces on Kai's black shirt and was about to tuck it right into his trousers but Kai stepped back and scowled, doing it himself. "If you're good to go, would you mind assisting me to the chief's quarters?"

The instantenous frown was definitely obvious and Kai wanted to knock himself for that. He shook his head and motioned his hands. _'What for? You're mother told you to not to visit that place.'_

"Oh, I just have a harmless intention, okay. It's not like I could force the chief's son." a playful smirk was etched on her lips as she spoke. "However, I want to catch a glimpse of him."

Kai shook his head strictly this time and picked up the firewoods from the ground to bring back home. Bomi caught his arm.

"Please, Kai. He has a cute doll sister, you know. Maybe we'll end up in the same family."

_'You seriously think I even have chance of entering that household?'_

Bomi frowned. "No. I'm sorry. It was stupid of me to ask such a ludicrous favour."

Kai took her hand and pressed his lips on the back of the hand before dropping it, smiling. _'Come home. Mam might have made some stew. Besides, he will be here at the bonfire.'_

"But..." she pressed her forehead on Kai's chest. Kai could no longer read her lip but he knew she was talking. She pulled back and smiled at Kai. "Let's go."

 

 

 

  
"Oh my, Bomi!" Kai's mother expressed with a surprised look on her face and hurried to gave the girl a hug. Kai touched his mother's arm to get her attention and gestured, _'I will be back.'_

"Do you need help with stew, mam?" Bomi asked and followed the older woman to the kitchen. Within two steps, they could reach the kitchen. That was how small the hut was.

Kai dropped the firewoods in a corner and grabbed his satchel before ducking out the doorway which was too short for Kai's height. The evening seemed promising as all the folks prepared the festive bonfire which Kai would not be participating in tonight.

As he passed the industrious villagers, he wondered what noises they were making as they sweated out. That was when an impact brought him to a stop. He had bumped into a boy, much similar to his age. Kai recognized the boy to be one of the merchant's ten sons. "Watch it, you sod! I thought you were deaf and dumb. Have you gone blind too?!" the boy spat the words out and Kai frowned, regretting reading his lips. He proceeded around the lad without retorting since he didn't have much choice anyway. It wouldn't be so charming, gesturing his hands like a mad man when the boy couldn't even understand what he was saying.

He wended his way to the cascade and sat down at the roots of the usual tree he sat at every single evening. Kai pulled out a paper from the satchel and a feather along with an ink bottle. 

_'So many words to say... So many words to hear... I can do neither. Tonight, I will have the chance of seeing you again. I have been thinking about you all day long. I have fallen for you at mere first sight and yet you do not know of my existence. Your eyes, your lips, your hair between my fingers.... all, lures me. When will the day come for you to heed me and my love for you? I will wait, love. Even if I cannot'_

Kai stopped writing for a moment and blinked the tears away from his eyes.

_'express my love for you through words, I will try my best to show you. The thing that pains me the most is never being able to hear your voice...'_

Kai sealed the letter with a kiss and shoved it into his satchel before leaning the back of his head on the trunk, closing his eyes.

"Where have you been?" Bomi asked when Kai returned home when the night had fell.

 _'Around.'_ Kai grinned, dropping his hand back to his side.

"Whatever. Let's go and dance!" she kissed Kai's mother on her cheek and hopped before hooking her arm around Kai's. Kai dropped his satchel and followed her.

The bonfire was huge as everyone cavorted around like carillon and Bomi was already jumping beside Kai. They were like bees, everywhere and all drunk, the women lifting skirts as they danced around, grappling arms with their husbands and friends. _'I'm going back in.'_

Bomi cupped Kai's chin and faced him. "We're dancing and for God's sake, Kai! There's ginger stout to drink!"

Kai shook his head as trepidation surged through him. Bomi's attention was suddenly averted past Kai's shoulder and Kai turned his head to see what had caught her regard. His heart sunk as soon as he saw that boy approaching them with a smirk on his face. Sharply dressed in white shirt, laced tight with brown trousers, much distinct to Kai who was dressed in black leather. The beguiling, enchanting smile. The eyelashes. Not only Kai's eyes were on him.

"Greetings, Bomi." he said and Kai couldn't help but stare at his lips for more than one reason. His eyes glimmered under the moonlight and his milky-white skin was more radiant than anything that Kai had seen before. It made him pant. Kai looked away and then regretted it as well when he read Bomi's lips.

"Hello, Oh Sehun." she was blushing, flirting even. It was as if Kai was non-existent. She suddenly held her hand out and only then Kai realized that Sehun was asking her for a dance. He didn't even look at Kai as he pulled Bomi away. Kai raised his hand but Sehun ignored him, keeping his eyes on the girl as he held Bomi's waist.

* * *

 

At the age of 9, Kai coveted friends.

  
The weather in Gurney White village had always been fair during spring, although strings of unfortunate ones were inevitable nonetheless. Buds on cherry tree swayed as looms of balloons swaying along with the wind. The wind. Kai's constant companion. There was once when Kai too wished to have normal friends. A comrade to play with as he envied all the kids in Gurney White. They all seemed cheerful and carefree, loud, not that Kai could affirm that, boisterous and very happy.

But what Kai did as a nine-year-old was sit on the edge of the well with a ragdoll in his hands. His mother had made it when she was carrying him, convinced that she would have a baby girl. But the ragdoll did come in handy for Kai when he needed to distract himself from the cruel world. He sat there and watched kids his age play, run around, poke each other, and giggled viciously. Kai had tried laughing but didn't get the point of it since he couldn't hear it. So there he sat. Watching kids his age play, run around, poke each other, giggling and once again, doing everything that Kai wanted to too.

Nobody wanted to talk to him anyway when he wouldn't be able to perceive what they were saying. He couldn't read lips back then and most of the villagers didn't know the basics of sign language. Well, Kai was the only one in Gurney White who needed it.

But he mustered up the courage one day and approached the kids with a hopeful smile on his face after an encouragement from his mother.

Small steps meant big effort for Kai. He was smaller than most of the kids in the village and definitely had no defence. No money, no looks and sure as hell no say. The group of five children stopped laughing and chasing each other when Kai approached. They stared at him for a moment as Kai grinned at them. Kai's lips quivered as he waved his hand. A small gesture to say 'hello'.

The kids only stared back and their lips moved, but little Kai couldn't understand them. Well, not until they shoved past him, ignoring his attempt to befriend them altogether. Was it because Kai was mute and deaf or was it because Kai didn't know who was his father? Either way, it made Kai's eyes sting with tears before he ran into the woods, crying and straight to the cascade, clutching onto his ragdoll.

The cascade had been the only escape route for Kai. Even since he was seven, this was where he'd spent most of his day while his mother worked at the retail store. As soon as he reached the waterfall, he hurled the ragdoll into the water with an inaudible scream. He sat down on one of the boulders and sobbed into his palms. Rejection was something Kai was used to but normally when he made an attempt, he expected victory.

Hours passed as the evening sky formed a protective dark ceiling above the short figure of Kai's. His tears had dried on his cheeks but the hurt was lingering in his chest. He stared at the water falling from the precipice and wondered what was the sound like. That was when he was jumped by a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see his mother by him, smiling faintly.

She gestured her hands. _'I was worried where you might have been.'_

 _'Sorry, mam. I just needed some time.'_ Kai felt like crying again.

His mother took a seat by his side and draped an arm over his small, baby-like body. _'Did something happen?'_

Kai hesitated but then again he believed that his mother could console him the best. _'I wanted to play with the other kids but they... ignored me.'_

She frowned before smiling again. His mother then brushed her lips on Kai's forehead. _'You're a good one, Kai. Friends will come to you by their own. Don't go looking for love or friendship. Because when it comes to you, it will be more than special. Cherish the people who love you more than the people you love.'_

Kai leaned his head into his mother's chest and wondered if his father had cherished him or not. But not once had he dared to ask his mother that.

And his mother had been right.

 

 

  
At the age of 13, he found a friend. One that came to him.

  
"Dear lord. Ya think that your boy could seriously do any kind of tedious hardwork?" the logger in charge questioned Kai's mother. Kai motioned his hands and his mother translated for him.

"He says that you'll have to give him a chance."

"I would but he's too.... skimpy. And no muscles at all."

Kai locomoted his hands again as his mother glossed. "Which is why he's expecting you to teach him your ways."

The man began to consider it as he eyed Kai from top to toe. "Why a woodchopper? Don't ya boy fancy yourself some clergical nuisance? Heard ya write and read."

"You seriously think that the chapel would accept a 'damned by god' boy as the sodding clergies claim?!" his mother burst into anger.

The logger let out an obvious breath, hanging his head. "Come 'ere tomorrow and I'll see what I can put into ya."

Kai beamed from ear to ear. He brought his fingers to his mouth and moved the hand forward as if giving a flying kiss to thank the man in the sign language.

"You're going be a big boy." his mother said as she walked Kai back home from the logger's house.

_'Mam. Can I go to the pub to get some ale?'_

"Of course, sweetheart." his mother replied quickly even if she was a little taken aback since it had been the first time Kai wanted to try and go out. But Kai was in a merry mood. He had gotten a job and would lessen the burden on his mother.

The pub was packed. Drunk men and women. Women in this village were boyish, Kai must admit. When there had been callers from the nearby villages, the women seemed refined and discerning with the graceful ways. But that was probably because it was difficult to depend on men in this village. Most of them lolled around, pivoting on their wives. But most men didn't mean all. It was probably because of the lazy chief of the village who cared nothing about the welfare of the people but the amount of mistresses he had. Kai wanted to laugh at himself. A boy who didn't even like stepping out of the house sure had a lot to say about his birthplace.

But it was a small town where everyone knew everyone. Except Kai.

He sat at the bar and stared awkwardly at the waitress. She was a busty redhead, scantily dressed but very ugly. Kai was intimidated actually. "Care to order or just here to ogle?" the waitress rudely asked, chewing on something that made her breath smell like tobacco.

Kai kept staring. The stench of sweat and beer hung diabolically in the pub which made Kai's stomach churn. _'Sweet ale.'_ Kai gesticulated by touching his cheek with two fingers and the waitress raised a brow.

"You asking to fuck me, boy?"

The counter started quaking suddenly and Kai turned to see a girl, decently dressed, laughing like she had been hysterical. With wide eyes, Kai stared at her as blood drained from his face. "He wants sweet ale, Marge." said the girl before she laughed again.

Kai moved his hands. _'Do you know sign language?'_

 _'Yes, mister. A little.'_ she replied. _'Although what are you doing in here? I thought you were that virgin your mam liked to hide.'_

Kai smirked. _'I could say the same about you.'_

"Oh." she giggled again and eyed the counter. Kai turned to see a glass of sweet ale on his table. He took a sip of it and turned to the girl again. _'I'm not exactly to be seen here, if you know what I mean.'_ she looked younger than Kai. How did she even manage to get in here without getting ludicrous remarks behind her back?

_'Rebellious?'_

"Quite much, yes." she said. "I'm Bomi."

_'Kai.'_

_'I know. You're infamous, you know.'_

_'Thank you?'_

Bomi smiled sheepishly and cocked her head as a friendly gesture. "I thought you would be that creep but you're kind of funny."

_'I've never gotten that one before.'_

_'I think we could be best friends.'_

She was definitely drunk.

But not wrong.

 

 

  
At the age of 16, Kai had passed beyond expections.

  
Sweat beads glued his skin to his black shirt, hair to the forehead and more exhaustion to the day. He swung the hatchet to chop of the little trunks of the trees that had been logged down with every ounce of strength he had left for the day. The sticking wet shirt was starting to become a nuisance since it had been particularly a hot day in summer. After striking the hatchet onto a firewood, he unlaced the shirt and tore it off his sweaty, toned body. The tiger's tooth that hung on a leather string around his neck was given by his mother to cast of the bad luck. As if Kai needed any more bad luck in his life. She apparently got paranoid when all the girls in the village began to give Kai the flirt eye once his body had built up immensely as fast as he had grown in terms of height. The logger in charge had been stupefied by Kai's performance over the years and had grown more fond of Kai by the day.

And Kai acknowledged that he was no longer 'the boy who had no looks'. But not once had he bragged about it because as much as the girls wooed him, he knew none of them would want a mute and deaf husband. There was another thing too. Kai had no idea why he found none of the lasses to be captivating. Bomi was undeniably pretty and more than Kai, she had matured into something far more worthed. But Kai had never been attracted to her sexually as half of the town had bad-mouthed them.

He resumed chopping the woods before Bomi showed up in her gown that was bound to get dirty in this forest. She stopped at a distance and gaped at Kai. Kai blinked at her. "Holy cow. Kai, seriously, stop doing that. I don't want to be that girl who falls in love with her best friend for the mere sake of a sodding sexy body."

Kai smirked and shook his head, continuing to chop. A girly sofy hand touched his chin suddenly, lifting his face up. Kai jerked his chin, gesturing a 'what?' at his friend.

Bomi grinned. She used the sign language now. _'If only I didn't see you as my big brother.'_

_'Would you have married me then?'_

_'Probably. Oh, for Christ's sake, am I the only girl in this place who had ever seen that?!'_ she jerked her hand at Kai's abs. _'Because I'm sure you would have been sexually assaulted by all the females if they had.'_

_'Don't dream too much. And what's your purpose here?'_

"Oh yes. The new chief is here."

Kai arched a 'really?' brow.

Bomi was blushing suddenly. "He's an old friend of my dad. Everyone's in the circle, welcoming him."

_'And you used the opportunity to slip away?'_

She flashed a crooked smile. _'Maybe. Put something on. We should go and see what he has to say for the benefits of our beautiful village.'_

Kai scoffed but picked up his shirt from the ground before leading Bomi out of there.

It was indeed a spectacle in the circle of the village where everyone rejoiced the death of the former chief and the reign of the new promising chief. Kai and Bomi blended into the crowd as the apparent new chief stood amidst it, waving his arms, saying things that Kai could not understand since he was too far away to read his lips.

When the chief was done, the crowd clapped and so did Kai. Bomi was frowning but Kai didn't bother to ask why.

That evening, Kai took it to the cascade after delivering the firewoods. It had been hot in the extreme and a cool bath in the waterfall would be relieving. But when he reached the cascade, Kai was taken aback to see someone over there at this hour. This was his hour and his hideout. His getaway spot. And who was this intruder? Scowling, Kai hid behind a tree and watched the back of the boy as the stranger boy stared at the waterfall ahead of him.

Gradually, the shirt fell from the boy's shoulder and Kai's jaw fell simultaneously. He quickly clenched his eyes shut and prayed. What nonsense was this? Ogling a boy's back muscles as Bomi had did? Damned for sure. But Kai opened his eyes fairly instant and saw the boy's head turn slightly. The facial features were outstandingly matchless which left Kai gawking at the honey-haired boy. He was pale, no, milky-white unlike Kai whose body had met the sun innumerable times. The boy's was flawless. Well, at least the back was. The upper body had an eccentric figure. The frame was half boyish, half poncey. He ran a hand through his burnt sienna hair and blood rushed to Kai's loins which was a bloody weird feeling. What was even going on? Kai clasped his hands together but forgot to pray as he watched the boy intently.

This had been the first time he was seeing someone else's skin other than his own and it wasn't a girl's. The boy began to lower his trousers and that was when Kai looked away. He was sweating again for no apparent reason. Who was this newcomer? Why was he at Kai's sanctum? And most of all, why was Kai blushing after seeing him undress? It would be the best if the last question remained unanswered.

Without thinking any further, Kai returned home. One spectacle was enough for a day. That night, he couldn't sleep. Not a wink but hundreds of fragments of the boy's bare back. Kai would curse if he knew how. He sat up on his bed, which had never been too comfortable and covered his face with his palms. Dear lord. I know that you do not play favourites but I think you have made me suffer quite enough. Don't do this to me. Please. He prayed. When he was a kid, his mother told him to pray so that God can hear him. But it never made sense to Kai. No one can hear him. Whether he cried or laughed. No one wanted to hear him. His mother had also said that love will come to him. Honestly, Kai didn't want to be loved or love another.

 

 

 

  
Christmas when Kai was almost at the end of his 16th year.

  
Kai sat by the well and stared at the chief's house. The biggest house in the village. He picked on his cuticles as he waited. His heart raced just as usual. But he was courageous since he would never be noticed. You need a voice to be noticed.

Eventually, he stepped out of the house and Kai drew out his inked feather and paper. Even from this distance, he could see Sehun's perfect smile. He was a generous boy who loved what he was doing. He was smart and the folks loved his helpful nature. Kai totally loved him for another reason.

Sehun attended a villager as any other night with a hospitable smile. Kai began writing with a similar smile.

_'All these years, I wondered if stars were the only beautiful things that has ever been created by the Almighty. I was deemed to be wrong. Sehun, your smile. That is the most beautiful thing ever. This Christmas, I wish you every single merry in this world.'_

Kai looked up at Sehun again while dipping the feather's tip into the ink bottle. Sehun was now crouching down to a kid, saying something. 

_'If things were different, I probably would have asked your hand in marriage.'_

Kai felt ridiculous writing this but that was how he felt. Completely ridiculous. 

_'We live in a world where such an act is forbidden. So my wish for Christmas is to just meet you. And perhaps steal a kiss.'_

He grinned as he signed off the letter with a kiss. Sehun was walking back into his house, ushering the woman and her child in as well. _'Merry Christmas.'_

Kai jumped off the well and shoved the letter into his bag before pulling out the wooden dove figurine that he had carved out by himself. He had never even seen Sehun close. But in these past couple of months, he had seen Sehun in the furthest distance possible just enough to stir up all kinds of feelings within him. He wanted to look Sehun into his eyes and say a hello. He had tried but Sehun just passed by as if Kai was invisible.

He placed the carved dove on the doorstep with a note for Sehun that read, 'Dear Oh Sehun, Merry Christmas'.

As much as Kai had smiled that night, it had all been wiped away the next day, on Christmas morning when he found the wooden dove dumped with the rubbish.

 

 

  
And even if Kai was the first to have laid eyes on Sehun, he didn't have a say when Bomi divulged that she was to be married to Sehun in another fifteen moons. She was blushing and happy. Kai wished he could be happy for her, he really wanted to but he did what he was best at; crying in silence.

"It's really weird. All of the sudden, getting married to a complete stranger. He's a boy, you know." Bomi said but she was grinning from ear to ear as she sat by Kai on the log in the forest.

Kai bit his lips as hard as he could to distract him from forming tears in his eyes.

"I wanted a man." she said, eyes lowered. "But... I can't deny that Sehun is one fine person. Maybe in another year, he'd grow to be like you."

Kai just nodded.

"Kai, are you okay?"

He nodded again.

"You have to meet him. I did and he's really sweet. He has a brother too it seems. And a sister. My mam and dad are so excited. But I'm just scared. It's like giving my neck to another person."

Kai forced a smile and kissed her temple, letting her lean on his shoulder. He gestured, _'You will be a fine wife for any man.'_

_'But not for you.'_

He said nothing in return. After a moment had passed, he asked her. _'Do you think I even have a chance in this village?'_

_'Why?'_

_'I was thinking... I want to go. Maybe I should leave this place.'_

She straightened up and stared at him. "What?"

Kai shrugged. His first love had failed him. Rejected again and again and again. He smiled at Bomi and tried to move his lips but they only quivered. Bomi smiled back sadly and shook her head before hugging him.

 

 

 

  
Present day.

  
The sudden shake made Kai jerked on his bed as his eyes flew open only to see his mother scowling at him at his bedside. "How drunk were you last night?!" she looked angry.

Kai frowned and sat up with lots of effort. _'Not much, mam.'_

"Really? Is that why you were calling me Patootie last night, running naked around the house?!"

Kai's eyes bulged out. _'No, I didn't!'_ He remebered about getting seriously annoyed of seeing Sehun and Bomi dancing merrily. Sehun's father was a strict man who never really allowed his son to these kinds of parties but if Sehun was there, that meant he must have sneaked out. Well then, he matched Bomi in some way now. But that only irked Kai further.

His mother twisted his ear. "Something upsets you and you make a scene at home. Typical of you, Kim Kai. Get up and clean yourself." she tossed a fresh shirt and released his ear. Kai rubbed the abused ear, pouting at her. "Oh. And by the way. Be home early today."

_'Why?'_

"I found an alliance for you."

_'Mam! I don't want to get married!"_

_'Yes, you do! Don't fight me in this, Kai.'_

_'I'm not fighting, mam. But they are probably going to reject me after all those requisites.'_

_'Maybe they won't.'_

_'Stop trying, mam. Would you marry a man who can't speak or hear? Provided that you are unfamiliar with the sign language.'_

His mother frowned. "Don't speak that way, Kai."

_'That's the truth. The village will mock her. Just like how they mock you.'_

The frown got deeper but she didn't say anything as she stormed out of Kai's tiny room. Kai ground his teeth and grabbed his satchel from the ground. He pulled out the hundreds of letters and piled them on his bed. He can't keep doing this. His best friend was getting married to Sehun. But Kai couldn't even think of burning those letters. They had been the only proof of the manifestation of Kai's unconditional love for a boy who didn't even know that Kai existed. Kai buried his face in his palms and heaved a deep breath. The fact that he dreamed about touching Sehun in ways he never would have imagined made Kai cringe. Was he even a man? Kai wanted to hit himself. In what aspect would his useless crush on Sehun would prevail? Kai will be rejected, that was deemed to happen. He will be humiliated because men who liked men were practically named something nasty in the community. He will be hated. A homosexual dumb and deaf. But no one had ever heard what Kai actually wanted to 'say'. Except his mother maybe. If only he could tell Sehun how much it hurt him to like Sehun. Sehun wouldn't give a damn probably. 

* * *

 

He was by far the most unfortunate man alive and he acknowledged that. It was no longer about finding a place he would fit in. He knew he would never fit in anywhere. And the matter of finding someone who would love him was out of the question. Kai had already given his heart to someone. A boy. A boy! The fact made Kai scream, only that there was no sound. He will be rejected nevertheless. His mother's idea of cherish someone who loved him more than the one he loved was flawed. Kai can never do that. He was disabled and a man who can't defend himself by saying a word was worthless in this world. But Bomi had different ideas about it. She was certain that sometimes it was better to not to hear or have a say about this world. All that Kai wanted was to hear his mother sing and Sehun laugh. Yes, he was the most unfortunate man alive. Not just because he was disabled but because his best friend was marrying the only person Kai had ever been attracted to in a way he had never knew he could.

And that wasn't even trivial. His imagination ran wild at times, especially during hot nights. He would simply think about how beautiful Sehun was that day when Kai ogled him from across the street and it took Kai all the way of biting his lip until it bled, touching himself to get it off. Sehun had been the only one who managed to make Kai this weak on the knees.

Kai wanted to get out of this village. He can't wait and watch Bomi's wedding no matter how much he wanted to wish the best. Well, he doubted that he would even be allowed to the wedding but Bomi was strong-headed at times and she might just convince her parents to let Kai come. There was approximately seven more full moons to go.

Kai hung the satchel on his shoulder before sitting down on the floor to strap his boots. A gentle touch on his shoulder made him look up at his mother's smiling face. "I'm sorry." she said and stroked Kai's head. Kai grinned back and straped the leather lace on his boots before rising to his full height. He cupped a side of his mother's face and kissed her cheek. "I'll tell them to not to come."

_'I'd rather just stay with you for the rest of my life, mam.'_

She let out a short laugh and shoved Kai's temple playfully. "I don't think I'm that hyped about handing you to another woman either."

 _'I'll be the log warehouse today.'_ he kissed his mother's forehead once more before walking out the hut.

As soon as he was outside, a carriage swiped across his eyes after the horses almost rammed through him. Kai jerked back and sucked in an exasperated breath, catching himself. Bad start indeed. Through his peripheral vision, he noticed someone watching him. He side-eyed the man and was surprised to the wits when he realized it was Sehun on his morning patrol around the village. Kai looked away quickly, swallowing the lump that had just begun to form in his throat. Sehun muttered something to a man from his usual group, his father's right-hand men probably and they looked like hunters. Kai loathed them. They got to stick around Sehun at all times. Was Sehun really looking at him? Maybe, since Kai almost got himself trampled by horses early in the morning. Sehun must be thinking what kind of idiot was Kai. Or Kai might just be brooding too much. He gave Sehun a glance and Sehun was no longer looking at him but was conversing with a local. That was what he did every morning, check if everything was okay around the place. The new chief was definitely keeping his promise of making Gurney White a good home for everyone and Sehun was already showing the potential of becoming the next chief by succeeding his father. Kai had learned that Sehun and his family were the townspeople who was chosen by the capital to govern Gurney White. Therefore, a chief-in-making needed a wife who can make him proud.

Kai turned and walked in the direction of the warehouse. No, Sehun was not looking at him.

 

 

  
The other loggers were chatting about things that Kai wouldn't give a pinch of his concern to as they worked, arranging and cataloguing the firewoods. But he did pick up on a few things about the upcoming Autumnal Festival which Kai never had bothered to go to even once in his life. But it sounded fun. Bomi had begged him to go with her the previous years but he'd rather not humiliate himself by showing up in a place filled with people who thought that he was damned by God. Kai too believed that himself. For someone who didn't get any attention, the people sure did have a lot to say about him. A fatherless bastard, who was not loved by God, damned to be mute and deaf, a burden to his mother, a jinx to the village. Kai wanted to sigh so heavily at these villagers. Nobody wanted to pay attention to him but they sure did love some gossip.

Just like how his fellow woodchoppers were talking about the 'lasses they'd tup at the Autumnal Festival'. Kai lifted up arms full of firewoods, brought them to a heap of woods right next to the hot fireplace and settled them on it. There was a tap on his back and Kai turned around to see Taeyong smiling sheepishly at him. "You wanna come and have some stout with us after this?" The boy had just joined the logging team and was the only one around here except their boss who seemed to be fond of Kai. But Kai ignored him most of the time but Taeyong kept following him around like a puppy.

Kai shook his head with a plastic smile. "Okay." Taeyong said and eyed the pile of woods at Kai's feet. "Can I help you? I'm done with my bit." Kai shook his head again before bending down to carry the firewoods. Taeyong just went away and Kai resumed his work. He was sweating heavily by the time he was done but he didn't want to leave just yet. All the loggers had left and Kai still kept distracting himself by rearranging the firewoods.

His boss ambled into the warehouse after some while and Kai paused his actions to greet the man. "Still here, Kai? I allowed everyone to leave early today." said his boss.

Kai just grinned since the man had only picked up a little of the sign language over the years. He waved his hand at the firewoods and shrugged. His boss nodded. "In that case, Jun needs some firewoods. Could you deliver a heap?"

Kai nodded.

"Thanks, boy." he clapped his hand on Kai's arm. "Don't work too hard. Go home."

When the man left, Kai packed up some logs and weighed them on his shoulder before striding out of the warehouse to deliver the firewoods. The streets were busy in the midday as usual with carriages cavorting around and horses prancing. Kai's top two laces of his shirt had become undone and he was quite grateful for it since he was sweating too much. Cool air blew on his chest, sending ticklish sense down his body. But only after some while did he realize that all the girls that he passed by on his way to the healer's house were eyeing and giggling shyly at his sweating chest cleft. Kai frowned and almost scowled as he walked faster.

Then another misfortune hit him. Literally. A sudden impact on his back made Kai lurch forward as the firewoods almost jerked off his grip. He spun around angrily but the hard expression softened as fast as it had formed when he saw Bomi laughing at him. She stopped her guffaw and held her earlobes, apologizing. Kai shook his head and continued walking. Bomi brought him to a halt when she hugged his waist. Kai hated it when she acted without thinking. In the middle of the village, she had the guts to hug him. No wonder the villagers kept selling the rumour about Kai and Bomi sleeping together.

She pulled back and beamed brightly. _'Mam and dad asked me to invite you and your mam to dinner tonight.'_  
Kai arched a brow.

 _'Really!'_ she hopped. _'You have to come, Kai. Promise me you'll come.'_

Kai bit his lip and shook his head. His shoulder was starting to sting.

 _'You better be there.'_ Bomi's expression went serious. "And I swear if you don't come, I'm not going to talk to you!"

Before Kai could say anything Bomi ran back to join her group of giggling lasses. "You're one lucky girl, Bomi." her friend said and Kai's eyes widened. "My parents never even let me near him but you are very brave. God, he's..."

Kai briskly walked away from there.

 

 

  
_'Autumn is almost here. That counts as almost twelve moons since I've seen you. Sehun, I need to tell you certain things that had been bothering me today. First and foremost, did you finally look at me? You didn't, did you? Because if you did, I could just die in peace right now. And then, can you not get married? I will never have the courage to tell you this straight to your face but this is what I want, Sehun. I want you for myself. There's so much I want to tell you. So much I want you to hear. But Sehun. Don't ever talk to me. Don't ever listen to me. Don't even look at me once. That will be probably be the worst for me to handle.'_

_'Mam? Why didn't you want to go?'_ Kai asked his mother as he escorted her to Bomi's house that evening. His mother initially refused to follow along but when Kai had convinced her that it was Bomi's parents who had personally invited them, she agreed with a frown.

She brushed Kai's arm and smiled up at him. "Nothing. I don't understand why they would invite us."

Kai didn't have a clue either but he wasn't going to be too skeptical about a simple dinner. Bomi's house was one of the biggest in Gurney White and all these years he had been friends with Bomi he never even stepped into her house except the stables when Bomi snuck Kai into it to have some stout.

He knocked on the door of the house and waited for it to open. _'How was work today?'_ his mother asked.

Kai shrugged with a smirk. _'All the girls had their eyes on me.'_

His mother shook her head, hitting Kai's arm. The door swung open and Bomi pounced onto Kai. She pecked on his cheek and hauled him into the house. "I thought you wouldn't come." she said. "Good evening, mam. I was worried. Mam and dad would have been really upset if you did not show up."

Bomi's parents approached them with smiles on their faces. "Hello." the mother said and Kai bowed at her. He had seen her around the village now and then but she never really acknowledged him. In fact, her smile right now seemed so fake that Kai was driven into trepidation.

"I see why Bomi is fond of you." said her father. "You have good manners."

"Please, this way." Bomi's mother ushered them into a room which looked four times as big as the kitchen in Kai's hut.

Kai's stomach dropped when he saw Sehun and his family seated at the table. _'You can sit here, Kai.'_ Bomi pointed at a chair but Kai was panting. Sehun was looking directly at him, so did the others but Kai could almost lose his unconsciousness with Sehun's onyx eyes fixated on him. Sehun suddenly glanced over at his father, the chief who had stood up. Bomi was scowling and Kai realized that there had been a dispute going on since they walked in.

"Mam!" Bomi spat, infuriated.

Kai's eyes darted to Bomi's mother who was talking. "Now let's end this over here right before you." she told the chief. "This boy is nothing but a useless friend to my daughter. There is nothing more between them."

"Mam, what are you doing?"

"Know your place, Bomi!" her father snapped.

"So if there is nothing happening between them, I'd like your daughter to never see this boy again." said the chief. Kai's heart was breaking into shards as he read their lips. That was why he was asked to come tonight and Bomi had no idea of it. "I don't need people condemning my daughter-in-law or my son."

"You should teach your son better." Bomi's mother shot at Kai's mother. "There are plenty of scum lasses around here so stop aiming for our household. I know well of my daughter so keep your damned son in his place, where he stands!"

Kai's mother raised a hand to her face and covered her mouth in shock. "Is this cleared then?" asked Bomi's father. "Bomi, we've told you innumerable times. But it's our fault that our daughter's rebellious. But if you could keep your distance from her, it will be very helpful."

"And she's getting married. We don't need your son's filthy hands on her."

"Be a little understanding." said the chief's wife. "Your son should know better than to put around a girl who's pledging her vow to another man. I suppose you won't be dining with us tonight. It will good if you took the hint that your kind does not belong at our table."

Anger surged through Kai's body but he remained composed. They were saying such crude things in front of Sehun. Quite an impression Kai would have on him.

Kai's mother didn't linger on to hear any further as she stormed out of there, hand clasped over her mouth. Kai stared at Bomi's parents before he glanced over to Sehun who looked bored.

Bomi's father advanced to Kai with a hardened expression. "Stay away from my daughter and don't make me say this again."

Bomi slipped her palm into Kai's and Kai faced her. Tears were rolling down her cheeks before she pinched her earlobes. _'I'm so sorry.'_

Kai smiled slightly, shaking his head. He bowed down at everyone and walked out of the house without even taking another glimpse of Sehun. He burst out of the house and looked around for his mother but she was nowhere to be seen. He clenched his fists. He wasn't sure if it was anger or disappointment but Kai wanted to hurt those people in the house who claimed such awful things. They called themselves the upper class and they had the least manners.

He almost swung his fist to hit the person who had touched the back of his shoulder. But Sehun only took Kai aback. "Whoa." Sehun jumped.

Kai dropped his gaze immediately. Sehun... was right before him... And Kai's heart thundered. He licked his lips, hoping that his breath wasn't too jagged. Sehun had touched him... If it was under any other circumstance, Kai would have kissed Sehun but right now he wanted to be alone. And he sure as hell didn't want Sehun in his way.

Kai looked up when the back of Sehun's hand hit his stomach. "I'm talking to you." Sehun said, glowering. Kai began to walk away from him but Sehun caught his arm and yanked him back. Kai seized Sehun's wrist, gave it a harsh grip until Sehun jerked it back, looking shocked. "Were you brought up to be this barbaric?!" he rubbed his wrist and Kai blinked. He had touched Sehun...

Tingling sensation lingered all over his palm where he had touched Sehun's skin. Barbaric? Kai had never been this mad before. Which was exactly why he didn't want Sehun around right now. "I just asked... if you are her lover. Do you love her?" Sehun queried and Kai took a step back. Marvelous. Could this night get any worse? "Because if you both are lovers, I'd hate to stand in the way." Kai gritted his teeth. No man should have to go through this.

He shook his head.

"What's your problem?" Sehun scowled. "Can't you open your mouth and say some sodding crap?! You are hanging around my betrothed and since you're saying that you don't love her, I don't want you around her anymore."

Kai had had enough of this. But such a chance might never come again. He took the opportunity and took Sehun in all that he could. He stared at his eyes, those beautiful eyes, irritated, vexed eyes. And then the lips. Pink, cherry pink lips. Sehun's tongue darted between them and he licked his lips, causing Kai to cringe. The lips moved to form syllables. "What are you looking at?"

Goosefleshed and panting, Kai melted. This was supposed to be his. Sehun was supposed to be his. Why was God so cruel? Even under the moonlight, the hair glimmered as some of it fell across Sehun's eyes. How did Sehun's voice sound? Kai reached out his hand and slowly brushed it onto Sehun's. Sehun pulled his hand back with a jerk. "What are you doing?"

That expression on Sehun's face screamed rejection. Just like those children who refused to befriend Kai. With alarm, Kai retreated and gasped for air. How can another human being do this him? I love you. Kai wanted spit out but he couldn't. What was he doing?!

"Hey-" Sehun called but Kai turned around and ran the hell out of there.

* * *

 

 _'Mam.'_ Kai sunk to his knees before his heart-broken mother. She wasn't even looking at him as she stared at her palms on her lap. Kai brushed her shoulder and still, nothing. Kai pinched his earlobes and hung his head, staying that way for minutes until his mother finally lifted Kai's chin to face him. 'I'm sorry.' tears trickled down Kai's cheeks just by seeing his mother devastated expression. Those rich bastards could actually bring themselves to hurt a lady just by mere words. She cupped Kai's face and smiled. Kai couldn't bare to see his mother's red eyes. He had disappointed his mother. Kai dropped his hands from his ears and shifted to lay his head on his mother's lap. _'I swear, mam. Bomi is my friend. And I will never think of her in the way those people claimed that I have.'_

"I know." she bowed her down and kissed Kai's forehead. Kai made himself comfortable as his head was settled in her lap. _'I know what kind of boy you are. And I'm proud of you. But I need you to promise me something, Kai.'_

_'What is it, mam? Anything for you.'_

His mother was silent for a minute. _'I want you to promise me to never approach Bomi again.'_

Kai's heart hammered to his chest. He had just lost a friend and that was because of Sehun. No, he shouldn't blame him.

_'Promise me, Kai.'_

Kai's hands trembled but he crossed his heart and pressed the forefinger to his palm, making the promise to his mother. His mother stroked his hair multiple times as she remained recumbent against the wall. _'Mam? Will you sing me a song?'_

She smiled and nodded before her lips moved. Kai didn't know what rhythm was. He never understood how intonations worked either. But just seeing his mother's languid expression made her the most beautiful woman Kai had ever laid his eyes upon. Her breath varied in its pace as she sang. Kai closed his eyes, enjoying every stroke of his mother's hand on his forehead.

Sehun had talked to him for the first time but it hadn't been the sweetest thing as Kai had anticipated. Sehun was asking Kai to lay off his future wife. How more bitter can it get? Even so, he had been able to look at Sehun in the eyes and earned a fair glance back. That was enough to get Kai going for the rest of his life.

After tucking his mother into her bed and making sure that she was well asleep, Kai retreated to his small room and ripped out the letters from his satchel. He tossed the letters in their hundred onto the bed and scowled at them. How nugatory and useless those letters were. He wished to burn them and watch it become part of the ember but he knew he wouldn't be able to do that. He had written all of his feelings for Sehun in them. He flumped onto the bed and pulled out a paper.

_'I thought you would bring me happiness, the brightest memories. I thought you would be my world. That you make me feel worthy. I thought you would let me experience the world through you. And I thought you will make me feel human. You are nothing but heartache._

 

 

 

  
It felt weird. Not seeing Bomi for one whole week. He thought he might get a chance to bump into her in the town but Bomi apparently had never stepped out of her house after that dinner night.

A scratch on his arm made Kai face the short, grinning boy. "Hi." said Taeyong, smiling sheepishly. Kai nodded his head once and went back to pulling the branches off the tree that was chopped down. Taeyong touched his arm again. "Do you want to get some lunch with me? My mother packed me some venison today."

Kai shook his head and wiped his hands on his tunic before walking past the boy. Taeyong grabbed Kai's hand this time. Kai swung around and blinked at him.

"Are you going somewhere?"

Kai pulled a knife out of his boot and Taeyong stepped back, wide-eyed. Kai grinned at him. He pointed the carver at the forest.

"Oh. You're going to hunt?"

Kai nodded.

"Okay."

He left the frowning boy with the other loggers, heading deeper into the forest. For someone who can't even hear, Kai was good at hunting rabbits. But that was also partially due to fact that the forest was infested with wild rabbits and maybe Kai's mother would be in the mood for some coney tonight.

Kai kept his eyes peeled as he stumbled over the roots. His tunic caught at thorns now and then but he still felt comfortable in the tunics that reached his mid-thighs more than shirts with hundreds of bloody laces. A rabbit leapt right past him before his eyes and it only took Kai two vaults to get his hands on the rabbit's ears. He held the knife right to the rabbit's ribs and then felt a pebble hit the bicep of his upper arm and turned his head to see at the intruder. His stomach dropped to see Sehun standing there, glowering with fisted his hands.

"Let. The. Bunny. Go." Sehun snapped and Kai blinked in confusion. He gave the rabbit a once-over and released it before rising from the ground. His breath caught again. Sehun was holding the rein of his saddled horse, scowling at Kai. Why was he so angry? Kai was just hunting rabbits.

Sehun stomped forward to Kai after leashing his horse to a tree. Kai licked his lips as his blood rushed all over the place, with his breath quickening by every step that Sehun took towards him. How can a boy sway his hips that way?!

When Sehun stopped two feet before Kai, the relief was just as painful as the desperation to reach out and touch Sehun. "Bunny killer." he accused Kai. Kai blinked again, wondering if he had read the plush lips right. "Barbarian. Why would you want to kill a bunny, huh?"

Kai began to pant. He couldn't take the heat radiating from Sehun's body even at this distance. He turned around to walk away, half expecting and half hoping that Sehun would touch him to stop him from walking away but he didn't. Bomi was right. Sehun was just a boy.

After some pace, Kai stopped and with all the courage he could muster, he turned around to see Sehun. But Sehun wasn't on the ground. He was climbing up a tree. Kai was shocked to see the chief's son doing things that only a child would want to do. There was an apple on the tree, perhaps one of the last batch since Autumn was around the corner. Kai watched with much intensity at how inexperienced and ignorant Sehun was. He stuck his rear out which made Kai blush in a weird way as he made his way up the tree, feet all over the wrong places. Within minutes, he was going to get his skull cracked open. Sehun perked out his buttocks, reaching for the branch with the apple and Kai sucked in a gasp before looking away.

Did Sehun really not know that Kai was dumb and deaf? It looked like it.

When Kai looked back at Sehun, the boy was crushed on the ground, rolling and hugging his knee. Without even thinking, Kai ran to him, bursting into laughter. He stopped near Sehun and continued laughing as Sehun grimaced, scowling in pain. "Are you going to stand there and laugh at me?!" he shot at Kai and closed his eyes, grimacing again, hugging his leg like a child.

Kai stopped his laughter and swallowed. He took slow steps to Sehun and held out a hand.

"I... sprained... my ankle.. or maybe my whole leg." Sehun complained, sitting up a little as he ignored Kai's hand. "Oh Lord. God, that hurts." he told Kai for whatever reason, Kai did not understand. After some seconds, Sehun accepted Kai's hand and pulled himself up. The jolt that Kai felt on his hand was supernatural. Sehun stumbled as soon as he was on his feet and relentlessly let himself fall onto Kai's body. "Sorry." he said, pulling back. "Ow. Can you bring my horse?"

Kai nodded and unleashed the horse's lead before ushering it to Sehun who was back on the ground. Frowning, Kai crouched down next to him. He wanted to ask if he could help Sehun but didn't know how. Sehun probably did not understand the sign language. But he looked genuinely in pain. "My back hurts." God, why was he talking and complaining so much?

Kai brought his trembling hands to Sehun's waist and quickly lifted him up until Sehun stood on his own feet before immediately taking the hands off Sehun. Sehun heavily leaned onto his horse and looked like he might cry. Kai began to retreat but stopped when Sehun looked earnestly at him. "Can't you even help me get back home?" he asked in disbelief. Kai knew what chivalry was. But he sure as hell didn't want to hang around Sehun.

He shook his head quickly and ran away from him, once again.

When he reached the logging area, everyone was staring at him, probably wondering why he was running back here but Kai didn't bother to even give them a straight look as he flumped down on a log, catching his breath. How can one boy's look make him so weak? He had felt Sehun's skin against his and it only made things worse.

Kai threw Taeyong a sharp look when the boy patted on his arm. Taeyong jerked his chin forward and Kai followed the direction only to see Sehun limping into the ground. "I want to speak with you." he said, eyeing Kai. Kai heaved a sigh and stood up before walking in another direction of the forest, knowing that Sehun would follow.

He did. Limping and cursing. When they were quite away from the logging ground, Sehun opened his mouth. "What is your problem with me?" he asked, holding his hip that probably was sore. Kai remained silent. "You keep looking at me in this weird way. What have I ever done to you? Why do you hate me so much? You think I haven't noticed you watching me? Why? Is it because I'm marrying Bomi? You said that there's nothing between the two of you. You said that you don't love her."

No, I love _you._

Kai bit his lip. Sehun must have come by to find Kai here and now, he had a bruised body in attempting to get a bloody apple from a tree. 

"Say something!" Sehun snapped.

Kai struggled for a moment. He parted his lips but nothing came out. They only quavered instead. He raised his hands finally. _'I'm sorry if I've offended you.'_

Sehun cocked his brows. "What?" and grimaced.

Kai lowered his gaze for a second, frowning sadly and brought a finger to his mouth. He shook his head, pointing at his lips. Sehun gaped at him and took a step back. "Oh. I'm... sorry."

A wave of awkward silence washed between them and Kai waited for Sehun to say something. Anything.

"But you can hear me."

Kai shook his head again.

"Oh... Then how?"

Kai moved his lips, pointing at them.

"You read lips?"

He nodded.

"I didn't know. I swear. This is stupid. I'm sorry for acting up." he started to leave, limping and making a face at the pain but Kai blocked his way. He picked up the knife and carved the bark of a tree. _'Would you want me to help?'_

Sehun laughed a little. "Sure. If you can massage my back and somehow cure my sprained ankle. My father is going to kill me."

Kai grinned.

"Hey... I'm sorry about everything I said about Bomi and you." Sehun said. Kai shook his head and smiled. Wow. This was escalating quickly. "I should go home. See you around."

* * *

 

_'I will cherish this day as the most beautiful day of my worthless life. The day you smiled at me. Your laughter... even if I couldn't hear it, has been the most wondrous experience ever. You looked at me in the eyes and asked me to say something to you. Not once had anyone made me feel like you did even at the mere lock of the eyes. I love you, Sehun. Beyond what words can perceive. Your gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. You could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I love everything about you. And I will still love you if you break my heart.'_

  
The village and its occupants didn't seem as terrible as they normally were today. That had something to do with Kai's light mood and a fair share of grinning to himself due to the unexpected encounter three days back in the woods with Sehun. Sehun had talked to him. And what was more painful than not being able to hear his voice? Even so, there had been a progress. Sehun hadn't mocked Kai nor had he spat any foul remarks. He had apologized for acting in haste and even laughed. Kai could repeat the image of Sehun's lips moving in order to speak to Kai for the rest of his life. Maybe... there was a chance. No. Kai couldn't possibly believe in chances or lucks. If there was anyone with this load of mishap casted upon them, it would be Kai. Finding love was out of the question, not to mention falling in love with a boy. But he wouldn't deny that whenever he spotted Sehun in the village, Sehun smiled at him. He had even tried to approach Kai yesterday but failed when his followers interrupted.

A finger was prodded into his arm and Kai turned his head halfway around but he only noticed Taeyong when he looked down. The thirteen-year-old boy only stood up to Kai's mid upper arm. He grinned at Kai, carrying his own part of logs on his shoulder to be sent to the warehouse, mimicking Kai. Kai wasn't sure why Taeyong liked immitating him. He nodded his head, asking a 'what?'.

"You look like you're in a good mood." the boy said, plunging the finger into Kai's arm again. And then he stared with gaping mouth. "Your... biceps.. are hard." he looked up at Kai in amusement. Kai shook his head, smiling and scoffing. The other loggers sneered at Kai for some reason. Of course, they would never want Kai getting any attention at all. Be it from a poor young runt or the chief's son. They had been giving Kai the stink eye ever since Sehun demanded to have a talk with Kai. But for once, Kai wasn't moping over their foul mouths. "This is the first time you smiled genuinely at me." said Taeyong.

Kai reached out his free hand and scruffed Taeyong's messy hair, making the boy giggle. He suddenly turned his face away before scratching Kai's tunic's sleeve. "He's calling for you." he pointed in a direction.

Kai looked up at Sehun waving his hand at him. What... Was this even real? Kai blinked his eyes, coming to a halt before he could even reach the warehouse. Sehun was... waving at him. With a smile. How?

His lips began to stretch into a smile but it quickly faltered when he saw Bomi exiting Sehun's house and she reached up to peck on Sehun's cheek. They already looked like husband and wife and Kai had no place or right to be between them. Frowning, Kai turned away, stomping to the warehouse as fast as he could. But just at the entrance, someone pulled his tunic at the back. Half suspecting it to be Taeyong, Kai spun around with a sneer. God, he was never getting used to seeing Sehun this close.

Sehun flashed a lopsided grin. "Hello." he greeted. Kai bowed his head and noticed the loggers that passed him eyeing him angrily. "I... feel really bad about... being harsh to you."

Kai nodded once. Why was he doing this? He wanted Sehun all these time but now he wanted Sehun nowhere near him. He momentarily dropped the heap of log onto the ground and wiped his hands together. He raised his eyebrows when Sehun didn't say more.

"Uhm.. It's my birthday today."

Automatically, a smile formed on Kai's face. God, he hated himself for being such a sucker. But there was no denying that he was happy upon knowing Sehun's birthday. Nothing changed really. Even if Sehun was now acknowledging Kai, he would never really give Kai what he wanted the most. Kai touched his chest with his right palm and cradled his arms before wishing Sehun a proper _'Happy Birthday.'_

Sehun stared at him. "Sorry. I can't understand."

_'When will you ever understand me, Sehun?'_

"What?" Sehun giggled. "Sorry. Anyway, I have to go but..." he winced suddenly and inclined his head. "My back is still sore." he grimaced. "Anyway, you should come to the feast tonight."

Kai quickly shook his head.

"Don't say no. I don't want us to be on bad terms. And I also allow you to talk... well, interact with Bomi all that you want."

He was sympathizing Kai...

Kai's heart thumped as he looked away. This was as far as he would ever get. Sympathy.

"Your name is Kai, right?" Sehun asked and Kai nodded before picking the logs up. He pointed  at the warehouse. "Oh. Okay. I hope to see you at the feast tonight."

Kai couldn't smile for some reason. But it felt good for the first time when he walked away from Sehun.

 

 

 

  
The cascade had always been quiet to Kai. But today, it was so silent that it couldn't have existed. Kai began to write.

_'What do you give the man who has everything? I thought I'd give you... me. But you will never want me, Sehun. Not a defected man who can't give you anything. Not pride, not name, and certainly not a family. I want to wish you a happy birthday and more to come. Have a good time celebrating it with your loved ones.'_

He sealed the letter with a kiss and held it to his chest.

 

The feast was colossal with every single one of the villagers attending it outside the house of the chief. Kai wove past the crowd to see if he could spot Sehun. He'll just wish him a happy birthday and leave. But unfortunately, Sehun was surrounded by people with a pint in his hand. Kai frowned and decided to leave.

When he had taken two steps his arm was gripped. He turned to see Sehun grinning at him. "Glad you came."

Kai smiled back. _'Nice party.'_

Sehun only smiled endlessly. He looked drunk but no one seemed to care tonight since it was his birthday. Everyone was too busy getting themselves drunk. "Here." Sehun held out a pint but Kai shook his head. "Aw. You don't know how to have fun, do you?" he was probably screaming but nobody seemed to bother as everyone danced around, fighting for some meat.

Sehun's face wrinkled and he dropped his pint before glancing up at Kai. He mouthed an 'uh oh' and grinned again. "You and I, share a common interest."

No, Sehun, you can't be interested in yourself.

"I want Bomi, you want Bomi."

God, this idiot.

"But. Let me assure you, you're going to be surprised when we both become best friends." Kai was amused even by this side of Sehun. "But first." he caught Kai's hand and hauled him out of there.

Kai followed Sehun blindly. Oh the irony. He wasn't sure how much of it Sehun was aware of but Sehun's sweaty palm against Kai's rough palm was utterly distracting. Kai's whole body rushed as Sehun tagged him past all those crowds, leading him into their stables. He finally stopped and released Kai's hand, much to Kai's disappointment. "Hey, Kai? How good are you at massaging?"

Kai was dumbstruck at the question as he gaped at Sehun. Sehun winced.

"Please, if you can help me, please?"

Kai was about to shake his head but the unusually drunken Sehun dropped on his stomach onto a rag on the ground of the stables. His lips moved but Kai couldn't read them. He waited for a moment before pulling his own shirt up and over his head before tossing it aside. What the... Kai stared shamelessly at Sehun's bared back. It was no longer flawless. There were discoloured patches everywhere, bruised and sore to the eyes. Long limbs pillowed Sehun's forehead as he waited with closed eyes. Kai swallowed the lump in his throat. Sehun looked up at Kai after some while. "Come on, please? I'll pay you if you want? If I ask anyone else, they will tell my father. I don't need him to know about my puerileness."

Kai blinked his eyes, unable to look away. He outright stared at Sehun's tailbone now. Such a beautiful body with curves at the right corners and folds at the right spots. Sehun's cheeks were red. Kai bit his lip so hard that it might have bled before he sunk to his knees, kneeling on either sides of Sehun's hips. God... the nape of Sehun's neck was so white that Kai wanted to suck it. Lord, where was his mind wandering...

Well, it was Sehun's birthday after all. Kai leaned over. Why was God being so nice to him right now? One or two encounters and Kai was already allowed to touch his back. Kai pressed his palms onto Sehun's shoulder blades and closed his eyes, sucking in a breath, feeling Sehun's hot raw flesh under his hands. He applied some pressure and dragged his hands down the back, pressing his thumbs on the spine. Oh God oh God oh sodding God!

The purplish bruise led straight down the small of Sehun's back. Kai clenched his jaw and stopped midway. Sehun turned his head halfway around. "Don't stop, please."

Oh bloody hell.

Kai bit his lower lip and massaged the discoloured patch near Sehun's right kidney. Sehun's lips were parted, which meant he was moaning. Oh, how much Kai wanted to hear it. The light touches made Sehun's breath quicken and Kai knew if Sehun perked his rear up, he would be able to feel Kai's obvious knob. He was hard. Slowly, Kai's hands curled around the sides of Sehun's waist and he gave them a gentle squeeze, watching the side of Sehun's crumpled face. "Don't stop.. uh.. please."

Kai released the flesh and lowered Sehun's pants just a tad to expose his tailbone properly. Sehun didn't protest. Why would he? To him it was just a boy helping him out but to Kai, this was meaning everything. He brushed his fingertips on the tailbone as he realized that he was probably making more sounds than Sehun with his panting and gasping. When Kai applied some pressure on the tailbone, Sehun pushed his back up, arching his butt straight into Kai's crotch. Kai froze completely but Sehun didn't. He began to grind against Kai's groin but only for two seconds tops. And then everything slipped out of hand when Sehun hastily turned around and stared at Kai. Ashamed and utterly humiliated Kai stood up. He didn't care what Sehun had to say and ran out of the stables.

 

 

 

  
Even after everything that had happened, Kai couldn't help but smile to himself as he walked back home. Sehun was drunk and was confused. That had to be a sign. Kai rubbed the back of his neck. He would have sung if he could. He probably knew more about Sehun than Sehun knew about Kai but that didn't stop Sehun from wanting to befriend him. Wait... did that mean Kai had jeopardized that possible friendship? What a wonderful night it had been.

But it wasn't meant to last.

Kai burst into his room with a wide grin plastered on his face but it died as soon as he saw his mother in there, holding a paper in her hands. Letters. Kai's letters to Sehun were scattered all over the room and his mother was reading one, hands trembling and eyes glimmering. Kai's breath came hard to him as he froze to the ground. All the muscles in his body were paralyzed momentarily.

His mother slowly looked up and faced Kai with tremor in her eyes. "What is this, Kai?"

Kai couldn't even lift his arms. _'Mam...'_

"Did you write these?!"

Kai nodded.

"Oh my.." she let out, devastated and dropped onto Kai's bed before planting her face into her palms. Kai dropped to his knees before her and pulled her hands off her face. She was crying.

_'Mam, please. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.'_

"Is this all... true?"

 _'I'm sorry, mam. Please don't hate me. Please.'_ he begged.

"No... No..." she breathed out and sobbed.

_'I love him, mam. With all my heart. Why should gender matter so much?'_

His mother shoved Kai's hands away and cried into her palms. Kai watched her. He had never seen his mother like this before. "How could you, Kai?" she asked, looking up at him.

Kai began to cry as well, pinching his ears to apologize.

"You are going to get your heart broken, Kai." she cried. "Why must you do this to yourself?! Oh... what would the chapel do if they knew... No. I can't..."

_'Mam. I'm not going to tell anyone. Sehun doesn't even know.'_

"Did you think that boy will love you back?! Oh god, a boy!"

Kai wept harder than his mother, losing all of his control. Even if his mother was reacting this way, imagine Sehun when he found out. The rejection was obvious in his mother's expression. He laid his head on his mother's knees and cried. For a moment, the room's air was filled with their sobs. Kai lifted his head, gasping and snifling. _'Mam... I'm so sorry to have been born so useless. I can't speak. I can't defend you or myself. You have a son who can't hear or speak and now... I'm not even a man. But it is not your fault. This is my fault, mam.'_ he held her hands together.

"Kai..." she stroked Kai's hair, letting the tears flow endlessly.

_'I'm useless, mother. So bloody worthless. Did father leave us because of me?'_

"Shh." her tears dried quicker than Kai's. She wiped Kai's cheeks with her thumbs and kissed his forehead. "Your father loved us both. That's all you need to know."

_'I'm not fooling around, mam. I love Sehun. And I will swear this upon anything.'_

"I know. I know. I can't watch you get hurt, Kai. If anyone deserves happiness and love, it should be you."

_'But that happiness and love won't matter if I couldn't make my own mother happy, mam.'_

"I am happy. So happy that you let yourself fall in love." she pressed their foreheads together. "You are my most priceless jewel, Kai."

_'Please forgive me, mam.'_

"I want you to be happy. But I can't watch you suffer, Kai."

_'I know, mam.'_

It took them a moment to finally settle down in silence. Kai helped his mother get into his bed and pulled the blanket over her before he took the floor, leaning his back against a wall with one knee drawn up. What a mess he was. The way his mother had cried tonight was heart-clenching. Kai was a disappointment. Any mother would be disappointed in him. Even if his mother didn't say anything that would hurt Kai's feelings, Kai knew she was upset and disappointed in him. Which mother would want a faggot son?

Kai cried in silence as he watched his mother sleep restlessly. All that he did was born with disability and fall in love with Sehun. _'I love you so much...'_ he gestured his hands at his sleeping mother. If tomorrow his mother told him to never even think of Sehun again, Kai will do that. Maybe he should just die. But he can't do that to his mother.

 

 

 

  
Kai's breath caught as soon as he was awake. His eyes were puffy and sore when he blinked them. His spine was strained since he had been sleeping in a sitting posture all night long. Sighing heavily, Kai wiped his face with his hand and stretched out his arms. He had touched Sehun in places he never even thought he would in his life last night and at the same time, his mother had discovered the worst thing about Kai. No. Being homosexual wasn't something horrible. It was wrong in the religions. But how was Kai supposed to control how he felt? If he could, he would. It wasn't just about feeling for another man. It was about how they wanted to be loved in return as well. Sexual intercourse must be a perk to all that since he would know exactly how his partner would feel pleasure. He can feel that pleasure himself. That was something beautiful. Touching another man was disgusting, maybe. But love and affection? He was taught to love. Not to hate. And why should someone else control his life? Sehun wouldn't want him anyway. So why should Kai bother about whom he loved?

But still. If his mother didn't want it, he will stop doing it. First love will always stand.

He glanced over at his mother who was still sleeping at this hour in the morning. Odd. His mother was always up before the sun was up. Well, after what Kai had done to her last night, she deserved some rest. He stood up and brushed his pants before advancing to his mother. He carefully sat on the edge of the bed and watched his mother's serene face. Smiling to himself, Kai brushed his fingers against hers.

A shudder passed down Kai's spine when he felt his mother's fingers. They were icy cold. He shook her lightly, mouthing 'mam'. She didn't answer. She always answered when Kai called her, even when she couldn't hear him.

* * *

 

The unearthly scorching sun in the beginning of autumn was not as consoling as it should have been. The streets were still filled to the brim with wastes and rubbish from last night's feast. Kai wanted to scoff, well he would have if he wasn't so miserable. He had ignited hope for him last night, thinking that he might actually have a chance with Sehun. It had been beautiful and Kai was happy for a very brief moment. How stupid could he have been to think that he was going to be happy in the slightest? He of all people should have known how damned he was. There was no such thing as God. Kai would be glad to go to hell now; the place where all these people had claimed that Kai had been sent from.

Sitting outside the hut with his elbow resting on his drawn up knee, he stared at the ambience of the bloody village. No one seemed to care. Why would they? Why should they? Kai was the sole reason for his mother's death. None of them did anything. The feelings were suddenly shut off and Kai just wanted to stare vacantly at things, not feeling anything at all. He was mute, deaf, gay and now an orphan as well. Whose fault was all that? If not the God, then Kai himself. 

He had killed his mother...

There was sudden block of the view that Kai had been burning with his mere sight. He looked up to see Bomi standing before him. He snorted, grinning a little and dropped his gaze back. Bomi fell onto her knees as tears betrayed her. They rolled down relentlessly over her cheeks as she cried. Kai began to stare at her now.

"Kai..." she sobbed. Kai scoffed once more and looked away. No. He didn't need her empathy. He needed her to go away. Because if she remained, Kai might lose himself and cry again just like how he had the whole morning, curled into a ball right next to his mother's breathless body. Bomi took her seat beside Kai and draped an arm over his shoulders. Automatically, Kai inclined his head onto her shoulder before she pressed her lips on his forehead. Kai knew what had happened to his mother this morning when he found her cold and motionless. He had killed her...

After some while, Kai straightened back up when some of the women who had been dressing his mother for her burial walked out of the hut. Bomi touched his chin and turned it to face him.

 _'What happened?'_ her eyes were aching red as well.

Kai remained silent. How could he possibly tell her that his mother had died in anything but peace because of him? Her heart just stopped. How can he tell that... he had killed her...

He scrambled to his feet when a casket was brought out. That moment, it struck Kai that holding his mother's hand in the morning would be the last. He lurched forward but Bomi held him back, shaking her head subtly. No one was here for Kai except Bomi, who probably wasn't allowed to be here. The rest of the people were here because Kai's mother had been a part of the chapel and they wouldn't let a corpse rot in their village.

 _'Come on.'_ Bomi slowly led Kai behind the casket that was being carried by four clergy men. The priests were waiting on the other side of the street. Kai fought the urge to snatch the casket and run back to the hut. If anything, he didn't like those priests who thought he was hell-branded.

When they had reached the priests, Kai noticed the grimace on their faces. One of the clergies blocked Kai's path. "Tell your friend that we'll be entering hallowed grounds." said the man.

"So?" Bomi spat at him with a scowl.

"So, he can't be there."

"Are you barking mad?! That's his mother that we're talking about!"

Kai's heart dropped to his stomach as it clenched. What were these people thinking?! He lunged forward past the clergy to reach his mother's casket but he was only shoved back by two others. And then when Kai went bestial and mad, he was completely restraint by those men. _'No, please! Don't do this!'_ he begged, trying to get past those men. He was about to punch one of their faces when Sehun strutted into the dispute.

"What's going on?" he asked the priests.

"This boy cannot enter the hallowed ground." said a priest.

"Why would he want to enter a hallowed ground?"

"That is where we plan to bury his mother."

That moment, when Sehun glanced at Kai, Kai's eyes reflexively stung with tears. As much as he didn't want to blame Sehun for what had happened, this could be prevented if Kai didn't fall for him. Their eyes were locked for a moment; Sehun's bewildered ones and Kai's pleading ones.

"That is insane." when Sehun spoke, his voice was tight. "If it is his mother, why wouldn't you allow him into the hallowed grounds?"

"Because he isn't normal and the chapel will not tolerate demonic spirits!"

"What's worse than your sodding attitude, father?! Certainly not his spirit!" Sehun shouted back with a courage that Kai could never muster up. "You having four mistresses is okay, but for a boy who had done nothing but look after himself to attend his mother's burial is not?!"

The priest seemed taken aback as he gaped at the furious Sehun. "You... you will not speak for him!"

"Oh I will. Can you provide me with evidences that he has demonic spirits as you claim?"

The priests began to murmur. They definitely didn't like witty people alright. "Look here, boy. You can't just barge into our village just because the capital had ordered you to and humiliate our legislation. You of all people should know that the chapel's rules are followed strictly over here. It's either we bury his mother without his presence or he can take care of it by himself. If you want to argue any further, have your father talk to us."

The chief would definitely not bother his time with this.

What kind of cruel fate was this that his mother's dead body had to be fought over in the middle of the street. Kai stepped back. He took in a deep breath and held his ground as the men sneered at Sehun before proceeding to the burial grounds with the casket. Bomi slipped her hand into Kai's and cried on his shoulder. As much as Kai wanted to scream and wail, he didn't have the strength. He had done it all in the morning the moment he had found out that he had killed his mother.

 _'I killed my mother.'_ he automatically moved his hands.

Bomi shoved his hands away and scowled at him through her mask of sadness. "Don't ever say that, Kai!"

He hastily turned on his heels when the casket was out of his sight and ran towards the woods. He came to the first place where he always went to scream his heart out. He dropped to his knees and crashed down at the shore of the cascade and screamed even if the noise made was probably only the sound of his ragged breath. Tears spilled off his eyes as he panted, sobbed and gasped for air. He needed to fight the ragdoll that he had thrown in that water years ago. He had to find it now.

But before he even rose to his feet, someone touched the back of his shoulder and Kai turned to see Sehun standing there. "I'm sorry for your loss."

_No, you fucking aren't! You don't even know what I had lost!_

What the hell was Kai thinking? Love? He didn't love Sehun. That was a mere attraction which was easily called love by people, and so did he. Love shouldn't hurt like this. He had loved his mother and love for Sehun was nothing compared that.

"I'll tell my father but... I don't think he'd- ow!" he winced when Kai grabbed his arms harshly, standing up. He wanted Sehun to leave him alone. He wanted to find his ragdoll. He never wanted to love. But he ended up hugging Sehun instead, crying into the crook of his neck. Sehun seemed stumped for a moment but he slowly stroked the back of Kai's head, letting Kai's weight crush him.

 

 

 

  
By the time the Autumnal Festival came, no one even remembered Kai's mother except Kai. He had gone back to work in just three days after his mother's death and the only people who had consoled him there were his boss and Taeyong. As much as Kai appreciated them, he didn't show it. He pulled himself away from the outside world but worked thrice as hard to keep himself distracted. And he drunk all those five days after her passing more than what he had consumed his whole life. It was on the night of the Autumnal Festival that Kai was walking home after getting heavily boozed with all the streets dancing around, males and females celebrating the sodding autumn. He cared damn for those people. Bomi had tried talking to him but not to much avail when Kai shut her out as well. She stopped coming by after the third day and Kai perfectly knew why. But she was here now, happily dancing around with her future husband.

Kai averted his eyes and focused on getting home past all these hooligans. But he stopped when he saw Sehun approaching him with a wide beam plastered on his face. When Kai threw him a glaring look, he paused his treads as his smile faltered. He kept his eyes on Kai, probably wondering why Kai seemed hostile. Kai had no time for this crap anymore. He walked around a bunch of teenagers, ignoring Sehun altogether. He only caught one last glimpse of Sehun when he has passed him. Sehun was frowning. Kai had learned his lesson. He will probably break again when Sehun got married and he can't live with that. He already had too much on his plate.

When he had reached home, he pulled the shirt off and dropped on his stomach on his mother's bed without bothering to take off his boots or pants. The bed still smelled like his mother. He eyed the stachel in the corner and got off the bed to grab it. Digging the letters out of it, he brought them to the fireplace. This had been where his mother always used to sing to him as she stroked his hair or when Kai at his young age used to suck his thumb, sitting at one corner as he watched his mother knit. Kai flumped down onto the floor and lighted the firewoods. He watched the embers ignite for a moment as he walked down the memory lane. He took a letter out and tossed it into the fire. It almost hurt his head to watch the piece of paper burn. He threw another in. Sehun will never know and Kai will never tell.

 

 

  
Little stares became more common in the next few weeks. Sehun began to notice Kai more than Kai wanted to be noticed. Every time they crossed paths, Sehun would give Kai a look that was beyond comprehensive. And Kai didn't want it. He was alone now. Too alone. Coming back home to no one was the worst of all. Most of the nights Kai refused to head home and just slept in the warehouse after burning the midnight oil. He was learning to adapt but not to let go. His mother had died because of him. Because of the humiliation he had caused her. It should have been Kai who should have died. But this punishment was better. Kai had stopped smiling and eating on a regular basis. He didn't even know what the wage he was earning should be used for.

He wasn't allowed to even visit his mother's grave.

And to top all this problems, he was getting more attention from Sehun and he hated that the most. Sehun didn't bother about Kai when he needed it but now, he was tormenting Kai with his looks and glares when Kai certainly didn't want it.

What cruelty was it that Sehun had to be standing at the front of the warehouse when Kai was about to fetch some firewoods...

"I told you, I want Diamant." Sehun snapped at the stable boy. "Where is he? He couldn't have just run off, can he?"

"I d-don't know, sire." the stable boy's lips were quavering as he spoke.

Sehun said something but Kai couldn't catch what he said. The stable boy then scurried off before Sehun turned to face Kai. Kai began to spin around to leave but Sehun's tug on the sleeve of his tunic stopped him.

"Are you okay?" he asked Kai. "You... don't have to isolate yourself, you know. I told my brother about the chapel and he said he'll do something to let you see your mother's grave at least once. You know, Bomi's teaching my the sign language but I'm really bad at it." he giggled.

Kai scoffed. Sehun was sympathizing a mute, deaf orphan. How sweet. Kai raised his hands. _'Leave me alone. I don't need this much of a pathetic attention from you.'_

Sehun cocked his head, puzzled. "What?"

Kai just shook his head and shoved past him to get into the warehouse. His heart shattered once again. When he returned, Sehun was no longer there but Kai did see Bomi pass by with Sehun's brother, all giggling and blushing. Good. Even she got tired of Kai's attitude.

 

"Here." Taeyong held out a piece of well-fried meat. "My mother made it."

Kai scowled and shook his head, resuming carving the wood with his carver knife. When Taeyong suddenly hurled the meat away, Kai turned to scowl harder at him. Taeyong returned the glare. "Why are you like this, Kai?" the boy questioned. "If you're not going to eat then I'm not going to eat either." he pouted.

 _Fine then, suit yourself. What do I care?_ Kai stood up from the log. Taeyong held his hand to stop him, looking up at him with hopeful eyes. Kai pulled his hand back and walked away, lifting up a bundle of logs to be sent off to the warehouse.

The village seemed quiet in the autumn evening. Kai had to thank the bestial wind for that. It looked like it might rain soon, too. But you see, Kai can never have a peace of mind. He automatically frowned when he saw Sehun at the warehouse again.

"Hey." Sehun greeted with a smile. Good Lord, why was this boy suddenly so clingy when Kai just wanted him gone?!

Keeping his gaze low, Kai entered the warehouse and dropped the lot before arranging it. When he side-eyed Sehun, he was standing in the warehouse, saying something. ".. I don't like it when I don't succeed in something. And it feels like you're mad at me.." said Sehun. Kai straightened up. "When the every single other villager is nice to me, you're not. Well, you were. I know that you've lost someone you love so much recently. And that must have a great impact on you. But it is my duty to make sure that everyone is doing fine in Gurney White. It bothers me so much that you're isolating yourself. You must have suffered and gone through a lot. Bomi said that you're not even talking to her anymore. You don't have to do that, Kai. You can be friends with the both of us. She really loves you, you know. I don't want her to be sad."

_'You're going to keep seeing as this pathetic disabled boy, aren't you? Why can't you see me as a man? I've lost everything and of course it will be very easy for you to ask me to be all happy.'_

Sehun blinked at the angry gestures Kai's hands had made. "I... don't... understand."

_'Of course you don't understand, you fool! I loved you. But not anymore because everyone that I love will eventually leave me. So leave me now before you could hurt me.'_

"I still don't get it..."

It started raining outside and Kai stared out the door for a moment over Sehun's shoulder. _'Fine. You want me to drive you away? Scare you off? Make you leave?'_ he stomped forward to Sehun. Who cared what happened to Kai anyway? He was going to be reckless and ruthless from now on. Kai grabbed the sides of Sehun's head and pulled him close until their chests almost brushed. Sehun froze under Kai's touch as his eyes widened. It had been so long since Kai had held another human being this close but never this intimate. He wanted to cry. Nobody knew how miserable he was. Why should he be so drown in misery? If the God was so unfair to him then maybe Kai shouldn't give a damn about the God, too. But the haste and rush faded as soon as Kai watched Sehun's eyes and lips quiver. He was so confused and Kai loved that. Still untouched, chaste and innocent Sehun. Kai was going to make it difficult for Sehun now. He didn't care. He wanted to drive this boy over the edge, make him feel miserable as well.

Sehun's breath caught when Kai dragged his fingertips along one side of his jawline, constantly keeping his eyes on Sehun's lips. His body burned. He wanted to be reckless, forget about the world and his misery for a moment. Sehun was paralyzed as he stood there like a tree. Kai leaned in. Sehun's lips were parted as he breathed languidly. Kai tilted his head to the side and edged closer before his tongue lightly touched the skin below Sehun's nose and slightly above Sehun's upper lip. Kai kissed the skin above his lip and sucked it gently pressing his lips on it before pulling back. Sehun's jaw dropped as he stared blankly at Kai. Kai dropped his hands from Sehun's face. _'Go and mope over that.'_ he vamoosed out the warehouse, striding straight into the storm.

* * *

 

What had he done? Kai wasn't sure if he was regretting for almost kissing Sehun or the fact that he had been so careless and neglected the consequences. He wanted to do something reckless for once and he didn't know how it would play out. The way Sehun had gaped at Kai last night when he had kissed above his upper lip. When had Kai become like this? This inconsiderate and ignorant. On the other hand, maybe the priests will finally terminate him and put him out of his misery. But would it actually take Sehun two days to lodge a complaint to the chapel? Or was Sehun still confused? Or did Sehun fail to take the obvious hint?

Kai threw his arm over his eyes and heaved a sigh. He can't think about Sehun. Maybe it would be better if the chapel did find out. Maybe Sehun would complain. Maybe Kai will finally find some peace. Why couldn't this world be a little kind to him? He sat up on the bed and clutched on the edge of the bedframe, hanging his head. His mouth slacked and breathed out, 'Mam'. That was what love was. It was beautiful and when it was gone, it was the most painful feeling ever.

Kai stood up from the bed and plodded to the door to grab the milk from the doorstep. When he bent down to lift the wooden bucket, he noticed the boy who was starting to rise to his feet from the side. Taeyong grinned, holding a basket. Kai straightened up and stared at him. "Good morning, Kai." Taeyong greeted and when Kai didn't smile back, his smile faded as well. "Uhm." he held out the basket. "You didn't come to work for two days. So, I thought you might not be feeling well. My mother packed some steamed venison with grape leaves and mulled wine."

Taeyong gave Kai a lewd smile when Kai shook his head. "It's okay. I just knew you weren't eating well. So, here." he shoved the basket onto Kai's stomach. "Come back to work soon." he hurried away, leaving Kai with the basket of toothsome food. Even the aroma of the venison was very palatable. But not even the piquant food or Taeyong's kindness made Kai smile, although he was glad for them.

 

 

  
He apparently was still alive and out of the chapel's clutches even the following day, which was really surprising. That meant Sehun did not whine about what had happened. Why though? It boggled Kai's mind. But more than confused, Kai's thoughts began to wander in the wrong zones. Well, he would at least know something if he approached Sehun. The thing was, Kai never even saw Sehun on his morning patrol today. He wondered if Sehun had been locked up in his house for the past couple of days as well.

 Why should he care anyway? Kai was done caring. The cut was too deep to heal. When a son was not allowed to his mother's own burial just because he was born with complete mishap, it tend to change him in one way or another. Kai was changing to strengthen himself. He was done being the one who was always hurt.

"Hey, deaf boy, get that over here!" the fellow logger probably hollered at Kai. If it had been the old Kai, he could have sulked over it for days, but now, Kai just threw him a glower before hurling a bundle of firewoods at the man, almost crushing the man's feet.

"Watch your mouth, Yin." his boss shot at the logger. "Kai, are you okay?"

Kai lowered his gaze and nodded stoically before ripping off the branch of the fallen trunk. All the men were excited about one of them getting married this week and all that Kai could think about was how lucky these men were. They got to settle down, live their lives like everyone did. Whereas Kai would never have a family unless if he found someone who had the lowest expectations in life. Even if he did, he was sure that the chapel and the priests will try their level best to prevent Kai from getting married in their church and on their aisle. Bastards. One day, Kai would make them all pay for what they had done. He would leave this place, but where could he go? 

When the day finally come to a sodding end, Kai received his useless wage and headed back home. Winter was around the corner and the weather was getting trickier by the day. Few more days and the logging activities would be held on a pause. Kai would have a whole winter to go through alone considering that this was his first Christmas without his mother. How would wish him a Happy Christmas in the morning when he woke up? Who would tell him stories at Christmas night? Well, too bad Kai was a fucking sodding deaf-mute who deserved hell and no love. Wouldn't it be so much easier if he could find comfort in a woman instead of a man?

The cold wind sent chills down Kai's body as he trod home, taking the usual route. Not a soul was out of the houses at this hour, in this bad weather, which was exactly why Kai was taken aback to see Bomi near the grocers which should be long closed. Kai held his ground and eyeballed her from a wide distance. She was with a tall man. Kai couldn't discern whom since he had his back turned to Kai. Bomi however was laughing with rosy cheeks. Only after some while, Kai recognized the man to be Sehun's elder brother. He missed those laughters when she used to be Kai's closest friend. Hell, she was Kai's only friend. And now she was getting married to someone Kai held so dear to his heart and Kai wanted her to be happy.

He wanted her to be happy? Was that why he almost kissed her future husband that night? Scoffing at himself, Kai proceeded to his house. He was by far the most cheapest human being ever. Coveting his best friend's betrothed who was a man. And rich. And respected. Also beautiful in every way.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Kai's stomach clenched the minute he saw Sehun sitting on his doorstep. Frozen, Kai couldn't take his eyes of the boy. What was Sehun doing here? Kai took slow steps towards his house and Sehun jolted up after seeing Kai. None of them smiled as they stared at each other. He looked scarlet, either blushing or cold but beautiful nonetheless. Kai could watch him like this all day and night long. 

Sehun finally glanced away, biting his lip. When he faced Kai again, he couldn't keep his eyes straight. "Uh... Hello." he let out and Kai nodded once, awkwardly. Sehun wiped his face and took a step forward. "How are you?" he looked nervous.

_'I'm fine.'_

Sehun stared at Kai. "I actually understood that." he let out a laugh. "Uhm... Kai." he rubbed the back of his neck. "If I tell you something, will you be mad?"

Well, that would depend on what that 'something' might be but Kai just shook his head.

"Okay." Sehun chewed on his lower lip for a moment before reaching out his other hand. There was a cloth in it, wrapping something narrow and long. "This might sound absurd but... you look miserable. I know, I know." he said quickly. "I know that you miss your mother but... I kind of want to see that... gentle boy again. Of all the people in this village, you have been the only one I couldn't stop contemplating about. It looks like... you're losing everything. Please don't be like that. Don't think that no one cares. I... want to give you this." he held out the cloth.

Kai eyed it, scrutinizing it for a moment before he reached out his hand and carefully accepted it. "Go on." Sehun grinned. "Unwrap it."

He unclothed it. It was a flute and Kai began to scowl.

"Don't get mad, Kai." Sehun took another step to Kai. "I don't mean to mock you. You see." he touched the body of the flute, lightly brushing Kai's fingers. It was a difficult task to read Sehun's lips without imagining nefarious things. "Now you can make someone hear you." he looked up into Kai's eyes.

For a moment, the wind calmed as their eyes locked. Kai suddenly shook his head. "I can teach you how to play it." Sehun said. "But first." he stepped back. "I want to bring you somewhere."

Kai frowned. Why was Sehun doing this?

"And.. Kai. I did mope over it. Why did you... do it?"

_'Because I love you.'_

Sehun cocked his head. Obviously, he hadn't learned that yet. "I don't-"

 _'No, Sehun, you will never get it.'_ Kai pointed his forefinger at his chest and palmed his heart before pointing at Sehun again. _'I love you. Will you love me back?'_

Sehun blinked.

 _'Of course not.'_ he let out a sigh and glanced at Sehun.

"I'm sorry I couldn't understand you. But... I really want to bring you to this place."

Kai gripped the flute and bowed his head. A sudden beam stretched across Sehun's face and he fluttered his eyes at Kai before leading the way. Kai hesitantly followed him.

* * *

 

The sky was completely black and starless by the time Sehun came to a halt. Kai eyed him dubiously when Sehun turned around to face him. They were near railings of the burial ground. Sehun pressed a finger to his lips as if asking Kai to stay quiet. Well then that ought to be an extremely easy task. "Stay right here." he said and spun around but Kai grabbed his wrist. "What is it?"

_'How did you know that I asked you to mope over.... what I did to you that night?'_

Sehun arched a brow and Kai sighed. He got on his heels and hurried away after leaving Kai there. Kai looked around the soulless village. Dried leaves were swept off the ground by the wind. Why did Sehun bring him to the cemetery? Kai gulped and looked over the railings. Somewhere beneath this ground laid his mother. Sehun showed up again, all jumpy and smiley. He reached out and curled his hand around Kai's arm. "Come."

He was led to the main gates of the burial ground. Kai stopped for a moment, peering around for the caretaker. "Don't worry." Sehun said after catching Kai's attention again by gripping his arm. "I paid him and asked him to go and have a drink."

Kai touched his forehead and stuck out the thumb and pinky. _'Why?_ '

"Oh. Is that why?" Sehun grinned. "You want to see your mother's grave, don't you?"

Kai's heart almost jumped out of him as he stared wide-eyed at Sehun. Sehun hauled Kai past the gates and onto the burial ground. Shocked and pleasantly surprised, Kai let Sehun tag him past the gravestones. Why was Sehun doing this? He didn't talk about the almost kiss, he didn't complain to the chapel, he had brought Kai a gift and now, he was doing this. Why? Why would anyone try make Kai's life a tad better?

They took a diversion at the corner and reached a wall of dried vines. Sehun came to a stop and pointed down at a gravestone. Kai's eyes followed his forefinger. Instanenously, tears came to him, harsh and brutally. Kai dropped to his knees before his mother's grave and began to burst into tears. He was the reason his mother had died. He wasn't allowed to be there for her burial. Kai had even paid his respects to her. He had only mourned. And right now, he didn't care. He just wanted to cry for his mother even if she wasn't there to comfort him. He pressed his palms on the ground and sobbed before trying to scream. But an arm snaking over his back stopped him. He looked up at Sehun's painful expression. "Don't cry." Sehun said. Kai leaned his head onto Sehun's chest, clinging onto Sehun's shirt and wept.

 

 

  
Kai used his forefinger to draw on the soil as he sat with Sehun, back leaned against the wall that was covered with vines. ' **Why did you do this?** '

Sehun smiled and wrote on the soil between them. ' **Because I wanted to do something nice for you.** '

Kai looked up at him. Sehun's eyes glimmered under the moonlight. Kai will never let Sehun know that he loved him. It was better that Sehun didn't know. Maybe Kai can get close to him that way even if it wouldn't last long.  _'Why?'_

Sehun shrugged. "I wouldn't call it empathy. I don't really know what you're going through. But..." Sehun had a hard time keeping his eyes on Kai's but he didn't turn his face away. "I know how this could end for you if this keeps going." he eyed Kai's hand on the ground between them for a moment and quickly looked up at Kai's face again. "My brother had a daughter."

Kai duly noted the 'had' part.

Sehun licked his lips, expressing palpable trepidation in his quavering eyes. "My niece, Larana. She was so cute. She was born when I was 7 and I used to carry her everywhere. My father was just a miner back then. And we weren't this... wealthy. My brother and his wife were always busy with their works. Larana was always left with me and then way she smiled..." Sehun took a moment to smile himself. "I'll put her on the harnest around my shoulders and I'll carry her all around our town. Her heartbeat beating against mine... She was a beautiful baby." his lips quivered now and Kai wondered if Sehun was hesitating. "She did grow into an even beautiful girl. But... she was not like others. She... had some problems and was... different. Kids her age isolated her and laughed at her, called her names. My own father, her grandfather refused to even see her. She was only 6... when she took her life." he stopped for a while and glanced away. When he faced Kai again, his eyes were watery. "She wasn't stupid as everyone claimed her to be. She knew exactly how to end her misery. Her mother found her in the well, drowned one morning."

Kai reached out and held Sehun's hand but Sehun pulled it away.

"And the next morning, her mother killed herself. My brother... just lost it. I will never forget how devastated he was." a tear trickled down his cheek. "He had never found a family for himself again. He walked around town like a madman who had lost his wife and child." Sehun hugged his legs closer to his chest and buried his chin between his knees. He said something else but Kai couldn't grasp it. When he turned to face Kai, he flashed a sad smile. "I might know everything about you but I know how badly it hurts to lose someone you loved so much. And... I know that Larana didn't ask to be born that way and neither did you. She was a good person. She helped everyone. You wouldn't believe it but when she was 2 years old, she couldn't even speak but she will always run outside, grabbing half of her bread portion and give it to a beggar. She did that every single day. And the only name she earned was loonatic. It hurt. And I can't... I could never neglect someone like her ever again. Same goes with you. Even if I don't know you well, I could never have you hurt."

And this was where Kai felt like himself all over again. His love for Sehun had not only been reignited but was stronger than ever. He peered at his mother's gravestone and smiled a little. He was thankful that his mother had not asked him to stop loving Sehun. This moment alone was enough for him. Someone was there with him. Someone who could understand his pain.

"Flute." Sehun said and Kai dug a side of his shirt to draw it out. After accepting it, Sehun brushed his lips on the mouthpiece. His fingers moved over the holes, tapping them close. Kai realized that he was playing the flute. Sehun drew the mouthpiece out and smiled at Kai. "Do you want to learn how to play?"

Kai nodded. He would take anything right now.

"Good." Sehun stood up and brushed the back of his legs. Kai followed suit. "I'll see when I can drop by and maybe we could have a go at it." he gave back the flute. "And... Kai. Good night."

Kai could only watch Sehun with amusement. How can such a human being exist? _'Thank you.'_

"You're welcome." Sehun laughed. "I should learn more of this sign language and maybe we can talk for real."

Kai nodded and smiled. For the first time in months, he had smiled. And it wouldn't get any better that it had been because of Sehun.

"I'll lure the caretaker away and you can slip out." Sehun said quickly and hurried off.

Kai gripped the flute and eyed his mother's grave one last time. _'Thank you for giving me this chance.'_

 

 

That night, Kai couldn't help but write down the gratitude he felt towards Sehun. 

_'Dear Sehun. You had given me the most amazing gift tonight. I will forever be in your debt and I hope you are blessed for your kindness. I had not made a mistake of falling in love with you. No matter how hurt I might get in the future, I want to make this last. I want now to last. Tomorrow can wait. I just want to be happy for now. It might sound ludicrous but I see my mother in you. Even when I began to lose hope, you, someone who has no obligations towards me, wanted to see me in light. I want Christmas to last with you. Even if I would not tell you this, I do love you but I don't ever want you to know that.'_

Sealing it with a kiss, Kai left it on the side of his pillow and for the first time in weeks, Kai was able to sleep well and peacefully.

 

 

  
Sehun had begun to drop by the workhouse every now and then during the midday breaks to tutor Kai on playing the flute. If people found out, they would probably think that Kai had lost his mind, trying to play an musical instrument but he couldn't deny that he liked Sehun's ideology. Kai didn't need to hear but he can definitely make someone else happy with his music. But he sucked at it. Sehun was so quick at covering the holes on the flute and Kai was just sloppy.

A week passed without even knowing it and Kai was slowly going back to his own self. Sehun's seldom appearance was more than enough, so Kai never initiated anything stupid like that almost kiss and he was glad that Sehun had forgotten about it too.

Work in the warehouse was getting less and less tiring but Kai was more hyped than ever. So he ended up doing everyone's work, sweating more than he ever had. He pulled his tunic off and tossed it aside. The tiger's tooth reminded him of his mother for a brief moment and how Kai had cried at the age of 6 when his mother donned it on him. It was scary to have a tiger's tooth around his neck. But now, it matched to his toned biceps and stone-hard stomach. Running a hand through his sweaty hair, Kai resumed his work of chopping the firewoods into smaller bits. Winter was close and people would need more fire than ever. 

A sudden stroke on his back made him jump a little and he spun around to see Taeyong eyeballing him. He looked up at Kai and then his eyes dropped to Kai's abs. He grinned abruptly and ran out of the warehouse without saying a word. Stumped, Kai went back to his work wondering what was up with that boy. But he was unable to continue when Bomi walked in.

"Wow." she mouthed. "I can never get used to that." she jerked her hand at Kai and laughed. Kai couldn't bring himself to smile but oh, how much he had missed her not-so-girly jokes and inaudible giggles. Kai will never forget how she used to fight when he tossed her over his shoulder by force and carried her all around the forest. Or how shy she was when Kai touched her cheek. She was a girl after all. _'How have you been?'_

 _'Are you allowed to be here?'_ Kai asked.

_'Am I allowed to be anywhere? I simply just ignored their orders today because I can.'_

Kai's lips stretched to a full smile. _'Are you happy?'_

 _'Anything but happy, Kai.'_ she frowned. _'Never mind about me. You're finally smiling. I saw you playing with a stray kitten yesterday. You seem to be in a jolly mood this week.'_

Kai rubbed the back of his neck. _'Do you watch me a lot?'_

 _'Sometimes. But I do know about you and Sehun. I can tell that Sehun is trying to make things less awkward with the three of us because I told him that you are my best friend and he can't tell me to not to talk to you.'_ that must be when Sehun first came to talk to Kai and got his back hurt by falling off a tree. _'He's... really kind, you know. Like a childish boy.'_

_'I think he's more mature than people give him credit for.'_

Bomi rolled her eyes. _'I'd call his brother as mature. Anyway, Sehun is trying. He even started learning sign language.'_

_'He told me.'_

_'Do you guys talk then?'_

_'No. He's still very bad, I guess.'_

_'What? No. He's sodding good at learning things. Whenever we meet, that's what he asks me of. We never talk about anything else. And to come to think of it, we're getting married in another few moons. In fact, he asked me something about 'moping' or 'sulking' last week. Did you tell him something?'_

Kai gulped. He had already figured that Sehun must have asked Bomi about it. He shook his head. _'What else did you teach him?'_

_'A lot. He even asked me how to order a live chicken. But the first thing he learned was to say I love you. Which was kind of romantic.'_

Kai's heart sunk as his head spun momentarily. He felt sick to the stomach when it discerned to him that Sehun must have known what Kai had told him. He knew that Kai was in love with him. Breath came short to Kai as he began to pant.

 _'Where-'_ Bomi started to ask when Kai picked up his tunic but cut herself short when Kai shoved past her, breaking into a sprint.

He crossed the street in vaults, running straight to Sehun's house. Luckily for him, Sehun was already standing outside, on the doorstep as he watered the dried plants. He rose to his full height after seeing Kai approach. Kai slowed his pace with an aching heart when he saw Sehun smile. "Hi, Kai." said Sehun.

_'I love you.'_

Sehun bit his lip and hung his head for a moment. "What?"

 _'Stop pretending!'_ Kai scowled, throwing his hands. _'You know that I've been telling you that I love you!'_ he was making a scene but he couldn't care less.

Sehun took a step back and the look on his face screamed guilt-conscience. It was obvious that he not only understood what Kai had said before but also comprehended what Kai was saying now. "Kai..."

_'Why are you doing this? I don't understand, Sehun. If you know that I love you, you should tell the chapel! You should complain for sodomy! Not teach me how to play a stupid flute!'_

Sehun didn't understand everything and that was obvious too by the way he focused hard on Kai's gestures. "I... think you should leave." he said at last.

Kai stared vacantly at him. _'What?'_

"Yes, I know what you've been saying, Kai." he said, edging closer, probably so that no one would hear him. But there wasn't anyone near them anyway. "But maybe you're just... confused. I think you need help. Maybe-"

Kai raised his palm to stop him right there. _'You think I'm crazy.'_ he clasped a hand over his mouth before wiping his face with it. He was thinking that Kai was crazy. That he could fix Kai. 

"Kai, I don't think... you can feel that way. You might be wrong. I want to help you."

Kai stepped back in disbelief. All this while, Sehun knew that Kai was in love with him but didn't believe it. He must be thinking that Kai was wrong. How can he decide what Kai's feelings were?! How can he judge that Kai was confused?! He turned on his heels and stomped away from Sehun.

* * *

 

Of course. Sodomites were considered to be mental patients. And sodomy was not only a sin but was a disease. Sehun didn't know any better. Homosexuality was no trivial matter. Kai was well aware of that. People who were discovered to be sodomite will be executed publicly. The only reasoning Kai could come up with for Sehun's obnoxious actions was that Sehun cared for him. He wouldn't want Kai harmed. Poor Kai, a complete lunatic who was utterly confused about his sexual orientation. The way Sehun had narrated the story of his niece was slightly making sense now. It wasn't just about Kai's mutism or disability. It was about not being normal. Sehun wanted to help because he thought that Kai wasn't normal. Being attracted to the same gender was by far the worst abnormality in the world. And Sehun was kind enough to think that he could fix Kai before it was too late.

All these theories were toasting Kai's brain, piercing through his soul like little shards of wood splinters. But he knew they weren't just theories. A guy like Sehun would do that. Kai dropped on his bed, clenching his tunic at his chest as if he could somehow calm his racing and aching heart. Sehun knew that Kai was in love with him... He knew how much Kai was hurt. What was Sehun planning? Befriend Kai and then try to hook him up with some woman? Become friends and advise him on the right and wrong? Or did he simply think that Kai was a mad man who needed serious help? Every single one of the notions churned Kai's stomach, making him cringe in and out. Why was this world so cruel? Kai knew that he was different, in a bad way, but he wasn't expecting this much of pain.

How disgusted Sehun must have felt when Kai had told him. But still, he had kept a straight face. Probably because he must have thought that Kai was going out of his mind. It was Kai's fault to have even hoped. He was never meant to even have the slightest of happiness. Maybe it would have been better if Sehun had just gave Kai away to the chapel. It still would have been better than Sehun thinking that Kai needed to be repaired. He will never understand Kai's heart. He can't conceive Kai's love. It will always seem as a fool's madness to him. This was more embarrassing than being rejected.

 

 

  
Preceding night had been a hard one on Kai. He had fought the urge to chuck the damned flute  away but Kai was already treasuring it as his heart. No matter how he tried, he couldn't reason that Sehun had bad intentions. He only wished to help Kai. Maybe Kai needed it. Maybe he did need to be fixed and driven off his lunacy. No matter what, a deaf-mute homosexual will always be an abomination and Sehun might be trying to make things less harder on Kai.

Kai closed the door to his hut and stared blankly at it. His stomach grumbled but he couldn't possibly stomach any kind of breakfast right now. It was his last day of work in the forest, just to get a last batch of woods, and he will more time than ever. Enough time to think about how to end his misery. Sehun had already hinted Kai an idea. His niece had faced her melancholy in one way she knew best. Perhaps it was about time for Kai to put an end to his torture as well.

He turned around and peered at his boots. The dirty boots reminded him that he had to wash his clothes. He decided that he'll head to the cascade to clean his laundry later before it gets too cold. How long had it been since he had gone to the cascade? The place had been Kai's little foxhole that he visited when he was depressed or happy or even in love. Now, the cascade seemed like a joke for kids. There was nothing sentimental about the place. Kai didn't want to feel anything for anyone anymore. The dejection was far too strong to be mended.

Looking up, Kai took a deep breath. He had had enough of his pathetic life. Maybe he should just join his mother. The village seemed hectic today. Harvest season was over and now they were storing everything they had reaped. Avoiding every gaze that automatically fell on him when he stepped onto the street, Kai plodded lazily towards the sandwash that led to the greenwood. Just outside the fence that bordered the skirt of the forest, he saw Taeyong squatting down with a farcical grin etched on his lips as he stroked a dirty white kitten. The kitten rolled over to let Taeyong scratch the underside of its chin. Kai discerned the kitten to be the very kitten he had played with yesterday on his way to the warehouse. Lucky stray kitten, even it got lots of attention and endearment.

Taeyong glanced up at Kai. "Oh!" he jumped up with the kitten in his arms and made his way to Kai. "Off?"

Kai nodded.

"I'll come with you then." he let go of the kitten which still lingered around Taeyong's feet. Kai led the way and Taeyong silently followed by his side. The boy was annoying sometimes. Kai wasn't used to this much of attention from someone he never felt connected with. There was a tug at the sleeve of his shirt and Kai looked down at Taeyong. "You like that kitty, don't you?"

Kai didn't answer as he kept his pace normal as they entered the logging ground. His hand was suddenly yanked by the boy. Taeyong giggled and bit his lip like a maniac before he ran away to the other loggers. Kai heaved a sigh. Maybe Sehun could help fix Taeyong as well. Kai clenched his fists on the account of the hostility he felt towards Sehun now. He felt so humiliated. Here he thought that Sehun was oblivious to Kai's confession but no, he was just pretending because he thought it was bullcrap and Kai was in need of real assistance.

Kai never wanted Sehun to know about his love in the first place. Because he clearly knew that Sehun wasn't like him. The damage was done and Kai can only hope that he will have the strength to keep living.

During the midday break, Kai decided to spend it on the logging are in case if Sehun was to drop by at the warehouse because he simply couldn't afford to see Sehun's face. Sitting on a log, he watched the other loggers' wives deliver food for their worn out husbands while Kai scowled at the happy couples from afar. Kai's boot slipped off one of his feet and he loured down with wide-eyes to see Taeyong taking off his shoes. Kai pulled his legs away and threw the boy a black look. "You look so tired." Taeyong said, kneeling more comfortably on the grass. He jerked his chin at Kai's side and Kai found a piece of stale corn bread, drizzled with honey on top on a life by his side. He faced the smiling Taeyong again with a baffled look. "Please? Just eat and rest for a moment. Your eyes are tired."

For once, Kai didn't brush the kid off. Instead, he gave in and picked up the bread. When Taeyong placed Kai's right foot on one of his own thigh, Kai held the boy's shoulder and shook his head. Taeyong just smiled and began to squeeze Kai's heel, massaging it slowly. Kai vaguely knew that Taeyong's mother was a leech who treated strained muscles. Taeyong must have learned one or two things from her because couldn't possibly disagree that it had felt heavenly. When Taeyong was done, Kai smiled at him in appreciation. The boy hadn't expected anything in return. Well, maybe not anything since he was so happy after seeing Kai smile.

 _'Thank you, kid.'_ Kai ruffled Taeyong's hair. Satisfied, Taeyong left Kai to get back to his work with a smug beam.

 

 

 

  
The village was once again hushed when Kai headed back home. Unfortunately, Kai couldn't just call it a day when he saw Sehun waiting at the threshold of his hut. He stopped to turn back but it was too late when Sehun had spotted him.

"Kai." he approaced him with a guilt-stricken expression. "Why couldn't you even listen to me yesterday?" he demanded angrily. "You're very quick at drawing your own conclusions! I'm sure you must have thought I have no respect for your feelings whatsoever."

_'Well, you don't.'_

Sehun obviously understood that since he frowned. "Just... listen to me. I know that... I know about what you 'think' you feel but it's not real, Kai. You're very alone and you just lost Bomi. Maybe that's why... I mean... you.." he began to stammer.

Kai kept his looking daggers at Sehun.

"Kai... all I'm saying is that... don't push me away."

 _'Find yourself another disabled lunatic to play healer with, Sehun.'_ Kai threw at him and shoved past him, letting their shoulders bump deliberately. Sehun grabbed Kai's arm to stop him.

"Don't... do this... Kai." his lips quivered.

Kai pulled his arm free and crouched down before he started scribbling on the loam. **'Say that you hate me or you don't want me. But don't ever think that you could change my feelings for you.'** he stood back up as Sehun read the words with a frown. Kai wiped the earth with his foot and left Sehun, striding into his house.

 

 

  
The harvest season had officially come to an end and so was the logging season. The village was celebrating and Kai was miserable as ever. To be honest, he had always been alone with his feelings if not for his mother but now, the loneliness seemed colossal and unable to handle. In a village that nobody wanted him, Kai felt like he might just not survive another day. But he did. That was what he only did. Survive. The night was cold but no one cared as everyone exhanged crops and raw meats. It was a tradition in the village for all the farmers to gather around and present their reaps. Kai however isolated himself as always.

He stayed back in the warehouse as the village carried out with the ceremony in the cold night atmosphere. Taeyong had volunteered to keep Kai company since there was no one at his house either. But him ogling Kai from where he sat was utterly disturbing. Kai had no idea why Taeyong was so insistent in eyeballing him like that. Kai tried to ignore him and keeping chopping woods with the hatchet. Taeyong also had the white kitten in his hands, stroking it diligently.

There was a sudden gush of wind into the warehouse and Kai realized that it was pouring outside. He eyed Taeyong to shut the door but the kitten jumped off the boy's lap a short while after a lightning had struck. "No!" Taeyong mouthed and ran after the kitten like another kitten which exited the warehouse in a zoom, straight into the rain. Shaking his head, Kai went to close the door by himself. He almost had the doors latched before they were shoved open out of the blue. Kai jerked back before stumbling a few more steps backwards as Sehun burst into the warehouse, all wet and red-skinned. His wet hair was like a hazelnut veil that shielded his eyes and forehead. Kai couldn't keep his eyes to himself when Sehun's shirt was drenched from the rain, sticking to his body. Sehun looked up at Kai in a daze. He looked so confused and bewildered like a child who had lost his mother. His chest was heaving. Sehun was panting as if he had run a hundred miles. Puzzled, Kai took another step back as Sehun closed the doors and barred them locked. He wasn't even looking at Kai's eyes as he kept his head low. Sehun looked like a beautiful wet mess which made Kai's mind wander. No. He can't keep feeling drawn back to Sehun when he wanted to end things. He was about to demand Sehun for his purpose here in this storm but was obfuscated when Sehun began to unlace his own sopping shirt.

Eyes bulged out, Kai stared at him undoing the laces with fast motions. He didn't take the shirt off and let it dangle on his shoulders as he let Kai study the flawless milky-white body for a moment. Sehun's puckered nipples drove Kai over the edge of confusion. He licked his lips and retreated another step. Sehun stomped forward, fast and almost angrily. Kai froze to the ground when Sehun grabbed his shirt at the chest and yanked him harshly to the front until his chest almost collided with Sehun's. His hands fumbled to unfasten the laces on Kai's shirt and Kai still stood there like a sodding tree, confounded and utterly benumbed. Sehun practically took Kai's breath away when his fingers brushed the sides of Kai's torso to push the shirt aside. Just as Sehun's, Kai's shirt clung on his shoulders. Sehun's beautiful eyes refused to look at Kai's desperate ones. He curled his arms around Kai's neck in avidity, fast and hungry. Sehun smashed his bare and damp body against Kai's hot and dry body. For a moment, time seemed to have stilled for Kai as he took Sehun's heat in. It was difficult to even try to breathe with Sehun's skin on his own. Sehun stared into Kai's eyes now, chest against chest, Sehun's flat planes of stomach against Kai's hard abs. Kai raised his hands to Sehun's hips and held them gently. Sehun rocked against Kai, letting their groins brush a little. This time, Kai gripped hard on the hips and Sehun's eyebrows furrowed as his eyes clenched close in a pleasurable manner.

* * *

 

The profuse amount of discomfiture couldn't even be described. Kai felt hot, embarrassed or shy, he couldn't opt but his hands were shaking on Sehun's hips. Skin against skin, eyes locked and breaths barreling. Sehun lightly stroked Kai's hair at the nape of his neck, clinging heavily onto the scrag. His eyes eventually droped to outstare Kai's trembling lips. What was Sehun doing? Kai couldn't even think about the possible motives Sehun could have with Sehun unbelievably close like this. All that he could do was pant against Sehun's face, trying to deal with the feverish heat Sehun's damp body was giving off. Out of frisson or nervousness, Kai was unable to even turn a hair. He had never held another person this intimately before and the lust to touch every part of Sehun's body was threateningly tempting. Sehun slanted his head towards Kai's and for a moment, Kai's heart nearly burst thinking that Sehun was about to kiss him.

"I can't stop thinking about you." Sehun's lips moved to form the words and Kai barely managed to register them into his mind. He batted his eyes blankly at Sehun, slightly losing his grip on Sehun's hips. Sehun ran his fingers through Kai's hair at the back of his head, refusing to let Kai go. "Kai..." he let out before licking his lips. "I'm... not trying to change your feelings for me..." he pressed their foreheads together. "Don't... avoid me.. please.."

His hot breath on Kai's lips was utterly distracting, making Kai harder by the second. If Sehun glanced down, he would know how erected Kai was right now by noticing the protrusion of his knob. Or maybe he already did, considering how he was rubbing his hipbone against Kai's just a while ago. Was Sehun out of his mind?! He didn't seem to be drunken. Just a little... desperate.

Sehun dropped the hand that was curled around Kai's neck down to Kai's stomach. His fingers seductively brushed Kai's abs and traced the V line of his torso, sending a rush of blood straight to Kai's groin. Kai went red at every graze of Sehun's lean, slender fingers. All this while, he thought he could love someone that easily? He never had a single clue that he will be this bashful and nervous when someone touched him like this. He caught Sehun's wrist to stop him and created an inch distance between them. Sehun quickly grabbed Kai's thin, but muscled arm to stop him from retreating. Frowning, Sehun curled a hand around the back of Kai's neck again. This time, he leaned his head to the crook of Kai's neck and hugged him. Startled, Kai stood there, unable to comprehend the situation. Did Sehun realize that he was doing this to a man? A man who he so desperately wanted to help get fixed due to his derangement. Was Sehun in his right mind?

He pushed Kai's shirt just a tad and pressed his lips on Kai's shoulder, kissing the spot gently.

When Sehun pulled back, he kept his gaze low as he spoke. "I don't want to change your feelings for me, Kai. I want to... change the way I feel for you."

The fire in the warehouse seemed to be dying out when it got a little more darker. Everything seemed to have slowed down for Kai then as he tipped Sehun's chin up to look into his eyes. _'What do you mean?'_

Sehun closed his eyes and his chest heaved. "I can't be a... sodomite, Kai. This can't be it. I.. I.. I don't know... how." he opened his eyes again. Kai went completely numb. Denial was the worst part in Kai's life too. He refused to believe that he was attracted to a man too but he had soon realized that it didn't matter to him. Why should he live for the chapel and the God when he knew he would be miserable? But what Sehun was divulging had to be the most wonderful and shocking thing ever. "I try... and try... to stay away from you... I.. always knew you... were there... watching me from far... but I couldn't understand. I thought... it was probably nothing.. and then you were always with Bomi... I wanted you away from her... I thought it's because I was jealous of you... because I don't want you near my future wife.. but.. I'm not sure anymore of why I wanted you and Bomi apart." he looked so flustered as he spoke. "I don't know.. what I was doing. I convinced myself that it was because I don't like you but... after knowing that you were disabled... I found myself... more drawn to you... Maybe it had something to do with Larana. But maybe... maybe it was because I knew that you were noticing me. I liked that.. attention. I like you giving me attention... And then one day, all of it was gone. You became..." he looked away and gasped for air. More than Kai, Sehun was the one who was struggling to talk now. "I thought... I was confused... Then you confessed... what I felt then was... mind-boggling. I couldn't... I just wasn't... I didn't want to be... a sodomite but I knew... I knew that I liked it when you said that... you love me. I can't.. stop thinking about you, Kai. And when you ignore me... it becomes too difficult... That night when you.... when you... wanted to kiss me... I had been so happy that I thought I should kill myself for liking it... you're a guy and I'm a guy... that's not normal..."

All the stoicness in Sehun was falling apart now. He looked so vulnerable and helpless.

"If my father knew...." he shook his head. "Maybe both of us should... ask for some help... No... The chapel would execute us if we don't approach them firsthand. We should tell them about this midsummer madness. My father would.. push me away... no, he will have me executed if I even do this with you, Kai."

Kai swallowed the lump in his throat. How could he actually think all those things about Sehun? Could he have been any more wrong? Kai had been stern about his preferences, but he couldn't expect everyone to be the same. Sehun was confused and scared. He had seen rejection before. He had seen the consequences of it. Kai can only try and understand his plight but instead, he thought of Sehun as an ill of a person.

"And... when you said that... I should just say that I hate you.. I realized that I couldn't... If I knew that you love me, if I knew that it was wrong... why does it feel so right, Kai? You... don't hate me, do you?"

Kai was surprised that he actually managed to give Sehun a jerky shake of his head but his throat was burning. If only he could tell Sehun how wrong he was.

"I thought if I don't... give you what you wanted... then you'll hate me forever... I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Kai. I just wanted to keep mine in check.... I'm so fucked up... I don't know what to think anymore."

Sehun needed to know how beautiful it was for Kai.

"I... can't.. do this. But if this is what you want... Kai, I want you.."

Kai cupped both sides of Sehun's face. He wanted to kiss Sehun or at least his forehead but he knew he didn't have the courage to do that just yet. For a minute, they just stared into each other's eyes before Kai dropped his hands from Sehun's face. 'Sehun, it's not about sodomy or sin or being rejected from this bloody community. I didn't think about any of those when I realized that I love you.' Sehun perked at the end, clearly understanding it but probably not the former parts. 'I didn't know what to think either... but I am so happy right now. It doesn't matter, Sehun. I want you to understand that what matters is what we feel for each other.'

Sehun couldn't understand what Kai was trying to say. Kai knew that as well but he wanted to make his point over here. The anxiety and frustration surged through his body as he panted, struggling to think. In the end, Kai desperately glanced at Sehun's hand and caught it before pulling it to press the palm on his chest. Sehun's warm palm against Kai's heartbeart...

Sehun stared at Kai's frowning face with a confused expression. He moved his lips, "I don't quite get what you're doing, Kai." and withdrew his hand.

 _'My heart wants to beat for you and only you. Just for you to feel it beat.'_ he slid a hand across Sehun's cheek and held the side of his face. Sehun leaned into the touch, smiling a little even if he didn't perceive what Kai was saying. Kai thought he could cry right now. The happiness that filled his chest was immense.

"You will take the risk just to be with me?"

Kai nodded. He would even die for Sehun. No questions asked.

 _'I can show you all the beautiful things, Sehun. Although this happiness might only last shortly for me. Once you realize that it's okay to be yourself and fall in love, you will let yourself love and be loved by someone who will fit you better.'_ he took Sehun's hand to his lips and kissed his palm. Sehun bit his lip, enjoying every bit of Kai's lips on his palm. _'I want to you show how much I love you. But I know eventually you too will leave me. You won't even remember about this deaf-mute orphan. Even so, let me love you for a brief moment.'_

Sehun was still smiling, not understanding what Kai was saying and Kai returned the smile with a heavy heart. Kai began to lace up Sehun's shirt for him so that he could go home. He wasn't in love with Kai. He was just confused about himself. Kai will take it slow with him. _'Go home.'_

"I don't want to." Sehun frowned.

Kai smiled and kissed Sehun's cheek. _'Tomorrow.'_

Sehun got that. He hung his head and then grinned. "Okay."

* * *

_'I wonder if you even know how happy I am right now, Sehun. I understand that you're confused and are having a hard time trying to accept who you are but I think I'm quite selfish about this since I am happy that you are attracted to me. The attraction might not last long for you. You would find and fall in love with someone who will be worth it. Who will not be me. I am nowhere near good for you and I know that I'm expecting too much when you are so perfect and I'm anything but perfect. But you don't know how happy I am. I promise that I will cherish every moment I have with you from now on.'_

 

Kai folded the letter after letting the ink dry and pressed his lips on it before adding it to the pile of unsent letters. He bit his bottom lip, trying to surpress the obvious smile. He looked out the window and it was surprisingly sunny for the last week of autumn. _'Thank you, mam. Maybe I won't be alone for Christmas now. Not this year at least.'_ he let himself smile from ear to ear, running a hand through his messy, morning hair before getting off the bed. If there was one person who was looking after him, that had to be his mother. And thus, she will be the only one Kai would thank.

He stepped out of the night pants and pulled on a pair of black trousers before donning a grey tunic on. He should take a shower in the cascade maybe instead of hauling buckets of water from the well. Another grin formed on Kai's full lips, wondering if Sehun would like to follow. But the idea of having Sehun's presence while Kai bathed or vice versa made Kai flush scarlet. He shook his head at how shy he actually was and headed for the kitchen to rummage for some breakfast but found nothing. All the supplies were out.

Good then. He ought to grab some eggs and milk along with some butter bread on his way after taking a bath. Exiting the hut, he closed the door and reminisced last night for a moment. He leaned his back on the door and inclined his head backwards until it was resting against the door. The way Sehun had trembled. The way he had confessed. Kai fought the urge to show up at Sehun's doorstep this instant itself. He wanted to see Sehun. If not for any other reason, at least to confirm that he hadn't been dreaming about everything that happened last night. He pulled away from the door and crossed the street. Goodness, he wished he could wipe away that ridiculous smile on his own face but there was no way to do that. He was simply in love.

He deliberately took the longer route to the cascade which would require him to pass Sehun's house. Through his peripheral vision, Kai saw Taeyong running towards him. He stopped to let the boy catch up. "Hi, Kai!" the boy waved and bent down to catch his breath.

Kai grinned wide and ruffled Taeyong's hair. Taeyong straightened up with a blushing face and returned Kai's smile. "Good morning." the boy said. "No work today!"

Kai nodded in agreement.

"I brought kitty home with me by the way. You can come visit him when you like." Taeyong said in a bashful way, tilting his head to the side.

Kai shrugged and started walking. Taeyong fell by his side before he lightly grabbed the sleeve of Kai's tunic and hung onto it. Kai let him. He never had the opportunity of experiencing a brother's affection and for some reason, he didn't want to knowing that he would be hurt if he cared for anyone anymore. But the insistent Taeyong was slowly getting under Kai's skin. Kai couldn't deny that he was growing fonder of the boy. Every villager that they walked by eyed Taeyong with disgust. But Taeyong couldn't care less as he kept clinging onto Kai's sleeve as they walked. Sometimes, Taeyong reminded Kai of Bomi and her stubborness.

Bomi.... Kai's head ached for a second. He was betraying his own friend and she was going to be devastated if she knew about Sehun. Maybe she will understand. But then she will hate Kai. Kai will lose her as well. He will never bring anyone any happiness. There was a sudden tug on his sleeve and Kai turned to see Taeyong. "You started looking sad again. Are you okay? Should I leave?"

Kai shook his head and forced a smile before hooking an arm around Taeyong's neck. Taeyong went silent for a moment as he dropped his head. Kai glanced over at Sehun's house that they were approaching. The threshold was crowded by folks and Sehun's father was conversing with them with a strained expression. By his side stood, Sehun, looking bored. But as soon as he spotted Kai, his face lit up. Sehun mouthed a 'Kai.' or 'Hi.', Kai couldn't deduce but when Sehun smiled at him in a shy manner, Kai found himself flushing as well. He smiled back, biting his lip. They were simply flirting from afar. Sehun side-eyed his father and then glanced at Kai again. He hung his head, grinning and looked up at Kai again. God, he looked so beautiful. Kai jerked his chin towards the forest and Sehun's eyes followed the direction. He nodded at Kai, pursing his smiling lips.

Unwilling to take his eyes off Sehun, Kai started treading to the cascade again, smiling and eyeing Sehun until he finally stepped past the railing of the forest's skirt. "Why are you smiling like that?" Taeyong asked with an annoyed mien. "Who was that?"

Kai arched his brow, retrieving his arm off Taeyong's shoulders. Taeyong scowled.

"The boy you who was grinning at you like a goat."

Kai cocked both brows now. Did he read his lips right?

"He's the chief's son, isn't he?"

Kai bowed his head for this. Taeyong crossed his arms over his chest with a pout on his lips.

"I don't really like the chief and his sons. All think they are mighty."

Kai laughed and scruffed Taeyong's hair. He pointed back at the street, asking the boy to go home. Taeyong kept scowling but he left Kai alone when he was asked to do so. Kai proceeded to the cascade and when he reached it, he shed his clothes to have a bath before Sehun might show up. The water was unbelievably cold and Kai instantly regretted deciding to take a dip in the icy water. In another couple of weeks, the waterfall will be frozen but the place would only be more beautiful. Maybe Kai can bring Sehun here then.

He quickly got out of the water after bathing and ruffled his wet hair. After jumping into the pants, he started lacing them. The rivulets of water trickling down his chest and abdomen were strikingly cold. Just when he was about to pick up the tunic, he noticed Sehun gaping before him. The second Kai's eyes fell on his, Sehun's cheeks went utterly red and he dropped his gaze. Kai grinned to himself and left the tunic on the grass before advancing towards Sehun. He tipped Sehun's chin up and Sehun let out a shaky breath. "It's amazing how a man can do all this to me."

_'Do what?'_

Sehun smiled and brought his fingers to brush against Kai's damp abs. "Do all that you're doing to me."

Kai gulped and struggled to respond for a moment. _'Sehun.'_

"Yes?"

_'Do you want to come to my house?'_

Another full smile formed on Sehun's pink lips. He nodded before walking past Kai. He stared at the waterfall momentarily and faced Kai. "I always like this place."

_'I know.'_

"How?"

_'This was where I first saw you.'_

"Did you say this is where you met me for the first time?"

Kai nodded, smirking.

"Oh." Sehun rubbed the back of his neck. "Wow."

Kai traipsed over to his tunic on the ground and picked it up. Sehun stared at him with immense intent as if Kai was some Greek god. The way he looked at Kai exhibited how confused Sehun was and how much he wanted his confusion. _'What?'_

Sehun quickly shook his head and then laughed. "I can't believe I'm finally accepting the fact that I'm so attracted to you."

Kai reached out and grabbed hold of Sehun's wrist. Kai kissed his palm and once again, Sehun flushed pink. _'Me too.'_ he brushed Sehun's cheek the back of his fingers. Kai's tunic stuck onto his body due to the dampness and it was chilly. But when Sehun hugged Kai, pressing his body against Kai's, wrapping his arms around Kai's waist.

"Please tell me this is all real."

A corner of Kai's lips quirked. 'It is.' he stroked Sehun's hair. They were staring at each other's lips now, Sehun's breath against Kai's mouth and Kai's against Sehun's.

Sehun brought his hand and cupped a side of Kai's jaw before dragging his thumb softly down a corner of Kai's lips. He kept his eyes on them as he spoke, "It's okay for us to feel this way, right? All day and night, I keep thinking about us. Thinking about you. If only we were allowed to do this, we could be married now."

The idea struck Kai dumb. Sehun must be serious if he was thinking about marriage and stuff. Something that will never happen to Kai. Sehun drew back and sat down on the grass before lying recumbent on it. Kai knelt down beside him. Sehun pulled his hand to force him to lie down and pinned him on the ground when he laid his head on Kai's chest. Shit, now Sehun could hear how fast Kai's heart was thumping. Sehun fiddled with the tiger's tooth as Kai focused on evening out his ragged breathing. Sehun brought his head up and simpered at Kai. "Whose dog did you kill, bunny-killer?" he asked, holding up at tiger's tooth.

Kai grabbed his wrists and rolled him over so that he was hovering on top of Sehun now. Sehun giggled and ran a hand through Kai's hair. "I wish I could hear your voice."

Kai smiled sadly. _'So do I, Sehun. I want to hear your voice.'_

Sehun frowned and threw his arms around Kai's neck before pulling him into an embrace. Sehun could understand simple sentences but not the huge ones like what Kai had miserably told him last night. That everyone he loved will always end up leaving him.

 

 

Sehun kept stealing glimpses of Kai as they walked through the autumnal forest. Brown and yellow dried leaves dusted the ground. Sehun was blushing again and Kai knew that it had something to do with their knuckles brushing. He took the initiative this time to hold Sehun's hand as he slipped his palm into Sehun's. Kai's life had been a constant silent struggle. Not anymore. Not at least when he was with this blooming, bashful Sehun. Kai pulled Sehun's hand to stop him.

_'Do you like rabbits?'_

Sehun blinked his eyes. "Do I like what?"

Kai pursed his lips. He brought his hands to the top of his head and gestured rabbit's ears. 

"Bunnies?!" Sehun exclaimed and nodded wildly. "But my father doesn't like keeping pets. In fact, he likes them better on his platter. So." he shrugged.

Kai grinned. _'I'll get you a bunny for Christmas.'_

"What? Wait, how do you say bunny?"

Kai twirled two fingers in each hand around one another. _'Rabbit.'_

"Oh. I'm learning a lot, you know. So that I can talk to you."

 _'You shouldn't since I'm not going to be around you for that long. But you doing that for me makes me so happy.'_ he moved his hands quick so that Sehun won't conceive properly.

"You're happy. That's all I get." Sehun guffawed. Kai just smiled and ushered Sehun to walk.

When they were back, Sehun deliberately moved further from Kai and it somehow made Kai's heart clench. This was how they had to be. "I'll see you at your house later." Sehun said and glanced around before quickly hurrying away from Kai.

Kai heaved a sigh and headed for the grocers to get some breakfast. But when he saw Bomi at the well, hauling out water, he stopped. Bomi's face was pale and her eyes were too red to be left unnoticed. She looked tired. "Kai." she let out when her eyes darted to him.

Kai just bowed his head and began to strut away but came to halt when Bomi caught his arm. _'I have to go.'_

"No." her eyes glimmered with tears as she looked around. _'I need to talk to you.'_ she pleaded. _'Please.'_

_'Is everything okay?'_

Bomi wiped the corners of her eyes, shaking her head. _'No. Nothing is okay.'_

_'What's wrong?'_

Bomi left the bucket there and led Kai to the narrow alley between the cottages which was empty except for the kids who were playing around. _'I did something horrible, Kai.'_ she said, clinging onto Kai's tunic at his chest. Her hands were trembling. Kai caught her shoulders to calm her down. "Horrible."

Kai cupped her face to lift it up so that he could see her eyes.

 _'You said you want to go away from here, Kai. You wanted to leave Gurney White.'_ Bomi said anxiously. _'Bring me with you.'_

_'What? Bomi, tell me what's wrong.'_

"I..." she looked at the kids and wiped her cheeks. _'Do you know Sehun's brother, Ayden?'_

_'I know of him.'_

_'He and I...'_ Bomi hung her head. _'We...'_

Kai could guess the rest.

_'Kai... I really thought he liked me. I liked him...'_

_'So you went behind Sehun's back?'_ Kai had no idea why he was infuriated by this. It wasn't like he was all chaste but he wasn't the one who had pledged his troth to someone. He wasn't getting married while having an affair with his future husband's brother. Or was he just so happy that he didn't need to feel all guilty right now? That wasn't enough excuse. God. How can he think of Bomi like that when she actually needed support?

Kai wrapped his arms around Bomi after apologizing. Bomi pushed him back so that she could speak. _'I didn't mean to do that to Sehun. I don't even want to marry him, Kai. I thought... Ayden wanted me. But in the end, he just said that I can never replace his late wife. I can't be here anymore, Kai.'_

Kai swallowed the lump in his throat. How was he supposed to tell her that he too was hopelessly in love. That too with her betrothed who was a man. He shook his head.

_'I can't help you, Bomi.'_

"Kai..."

 _'I'm sorry.'_ his heart was heavy when he walked away. There was nothing that he could do and he certainly wasn't leaving the village now. Not when he had a chance to be with Sehun. It was so selfish. 

* * *

 

How was he supposed to help Bomi with this? Who was he to stand up for her? How can he support her against the chief's first son? Bomi had stuck with Kai all these years and now Kai was incapable of helping her. She had told Kai few days back that she was helpless and had lost her celibacy to Sehun's brother who always seemed like a complete gentleman; Kai didn't know otherwise. What if Sehun could help? Kai pulled at the blanket that wrapped him as he gazed at the night sky, sitting on the step outside his hut. He probed the flute in his hand and smiled. Would his mother be happy when she heard Kai play the flute? He was getting good at it according to Sehun. And Sehun's sign language was improving as well. Kai shuddered at the sudden gush of winter wind and his teeth clattered. Sehun should be here soon. They had been spending almost every night in the past week in Kai's hut. Kai taught Sehun sign language whereas Sehun taught Kai how to play the flute. That was what they did mostly, when the moments they were touching and caressing each other's faces and hands were excluded. This was really happening. The nights were the only thing Kai looked forward to these days. Lying on the floor near the fireplace as Sehun taught Kai melodies to play with the flute had become Kai's personal addiction. This week had been one of the best in Kai's whole life.

Kai's head perked up when he saw a really smiley Sehun approach him. And for the first time, Kai was making someone happy. He had never seen anyone smile so much because the little things that he did. Sehun chewed on his lower lip and glanced around the empty ambience of the village. "Good evening." he said. Kai tipped his head and smiled up at him before stretching his arm, gesturing Sehun to sit by him. Sehun took his seat and the heat he radiated almost instantly made Kai blush. He wrapped the blanket around Sehun's body, letting his arm to be draped over Sehun's waist. "Why are you sitting outside?"

Kai raised his shoulders and looked into Sehun's eyes which obviously made Sehun flush. He looked away, licking his lips. Kai grazed Sehun's jaw with his fingers and turned his face to meet it. "It's so cold." Sehun uttered. "And... you're too warm."

Kai's lips stretched into a grin. _'Is that a bad thing?'_

Sehun contemplated Kai's gestures for a moment and then smiled. "No." he suddenly tugged the blanket and wrapped himself with it, leaving Kai unprotected from the brutal hiemal wind.

Kai began to yank back the blanket but Sehun wasn't budging. _'Sehun.'_ Kai stared at him in surprise. _'I'm cold too.'_

Sehun stuck out his tongue and swatted Kai's hand off the blanket. Sehun was really childish at times. Like that one time when he tried to climb a tree. Kai savagely pulled back the blanket but when Sehun hauled it away, Kai jerked forward and he fell right onto Sehun when Sehun fell back until the back of his head slammed against the door. He was laughing, clutching onto Kai's shirt but Kai felt tensed. This was all just too perfect and wonderful to be true. He got off Sehun and took a deep breath, burying his face in his palms.

After a minute, he felt Sehun's hand on his shoulder. Kai looked up at him. Sehun was frowning and pouting. He held the blanket out at Kai. "Don't be sad. I wasn't going to take your blanky. Here. Take it back."

Kai scoffed and snickered as he stroked Sehun's cheek. _'You won't leave me, will you?'_

Sehun tilted his head, smiling smugly. "What are you talking about? I'm just starting to fall for you. And I'm so happy." he picked up the flute from the ground and gave it to Kai. "Will you play something for me?"

Kai hesitated as he accepted the flute. He put the mouthpiece in his mouth and tried to remember what Sehun had taught him. He covered some holes and blew into the flute. Gradually, his fingers covered and uncovered new holes. Sehun was smiling, which must mean that Kai was actually playing something nice. When he was done, Sehun was still smiling, staring at Kai's hands.

_'Sehun. You are the best thing that had ever happened to me. No, you are the only good thing that has happened to me.'_

Sehun caught Kai's hands and lowered them. "Shush." he leaned in and brushed his lips on Kai's cheek. "Kai... I want to thank you. For these amazing moments."

Kai hung his head momentarily. _'Sehun... I have to tell you something about Bomi.'_

"What?" Sehun's expression said that he didn't understand what Kai was saying.

 _'Bomi.'_ Kai motioned his hands. Sehun took a moment to conceive the syllables he was gesturing.

"Bomi?"

Kai nodded. _'Your brother.'_

"My brother?"

Kai sighed. This will take too long if he tried it this way. He stood up and held out his hand to Sehun. Sehun took it and rose to his full height. Kai led him into the house and shut the door. "See. It's warm and cosy inside." Sehun told Kai. Kai stepped into his room and pulled out the ink bottle along with a feather. He rummaged through his satchel for a paper and started writing on it, sitting on the edge of his bed.

 **'Bomi and your brother are in a dalliance. Bomi loves your brother.'** he showed it to Sehun who was standing before him. Sehun read it as his eyes widened.

"What?" this time, his expression screamed shock.

Kai continued writing. **'I think she loves him but your brother is not accepting her.'**

Sehun gaped at the new sentence. "How did you learn to write by the way?"

Kai scowled. **'My mother was a clergy and she knew how to write and read. That's not the point. You have to do something.'**

Sehun rubbed his temples. "This is amazing!" he exclaimed after a moment and Kai was stumped by Sehun's response.

_'Amazing?'_

"I knew it! I knew something was going on with my brother and her. He was always smiling around her and it had been so long since I've seen him smile. The smile he gives her is the same when we..." he trailed off with a smirk. "I'm sure my brother is pushing her away because of me. If I reject her, he would definitely want her."

Kai wrote again. **'How about your father then?'**

Sehun frowned now. "I... don't know."

He exhaled an exasperated breath. **'You won't disappoint your father, will you?'**

Sehun shook his head with a jerk and sat down beside Kai. "I don't know how... Ayden might help me with this. But then what, Kai? What about us? Thinking about this makes me...."

Kai draped his arm over Sehun's shoulders and kissed his temple. Sehun leaned his head on Kai's shoulder.

 

 

 

 

"Hey." Taeyong jumped his way to Kai with a huge brown package in his hands.

 _'Hi.'_ Kai waved his hand, putting the basket of groceries down on the ground.

"Happy Winter!" he handed Kai the package.

Kai blinked.

"It's for you!"

 _'For me?'_ Kai accepted it with scrutiny. He eyeballed the package, giving it a once-over. 

"It's going to snow tonight. So stay warm. Oh. You'll have to thank my sister for it."Taeyong beamed from ear to ear before vamoosing from there. The package was soft and light. Kai piled the package on top of the basket and headed back home. He settled the groceries in the kitchen and settled in his room before unwrapping the brown bundle. It was a muffler. Knitted, just like the one Kai's mother had made for him. Instantenously, tears stung Kai's eyes. He hugged the muffler to his chest and for the first time, Kai had been so touched by the boy's thoughtfulness. It was just like yesterday he had seen his mother by the fireplace, knitting the muffler. And now, she was gone. Just like that. Kai's father left. He never met him once. Bomi was not here anymore either. Kai had made a promise to his mother to never approach her again and he would really to keep it. And as that, Sehun will be gone too. All too soon. As soon as Sehun realized how unbefitting and ineligible Kai was for him.

It was going to snow tonight...

Kai jolted up from the bed and grabbed some pennies before bursting out of the hut. He had some plan in mind, all right.

 

 

  
Kai waited for Sehun outside the hut once again, all wrapped in thick clothes and the muffler, standing under the falling snow. The first snow. Kai smiled and closed his eyes to make a wish but he had no idea of what he could wish for. Anything that he wished would be too much to ask for. Keep Taeyong, Sehun and Bomi save. Let them be happy. Kai opened his eyes and Sehun pounced onto him, hugging him tight.

"It's snowing!" Sehun exclaimed when he pulled back. The streets quickly accumulated the snow as would the branches of the trees. "Oh. Are you going somewhere?"

Kai nodded. _'You're coming with me.'_

"Where are we going?" Sehun asked excitedly.

Kai curled his hand around Sehun's and led him away from the hut. "I can't believe it's already snowing. I've always loved winter. Especially snow! Oh. It's just so beautiful." he told Kai as they walked hand-in-hand towards the forest. "Tomorrow, this place will be filled with snow. Do you like snow?"

Kai smiled. The forest would have been utterly dark if it weren't for the moonlight. But it was too dark to read Sehun's lips anymore and Sehun probably knew that as well since he remained silent after that. His hand tightened around Kai's at every step they took in the woods. Sehun's hand slowly began to tremble against Kai and Kai doubted that it had anything to do with the cold. He pulled Kai's hand and they stopped in the middle of the forest. "Kai." Sehun's eyes glimmered under the moonlight. Kai brushed off a bit of snow from Sehun's hair and cupped his face. "I can't, Kai... I want to be with you."

'Sehun' Kai moved his mouth even if only his breath that could made some sound.

Sehun pulled his hand free and pointed his forefinger at himself. He pressed a palm on his heart and pointed at Kai. _'I love you.'_ that was the very first time Sehun had used the sign language to Kai. Kai's breath caught. He stepped closer and held both sides of Sehun's face, pulling him.

 _'Thank you.'_ Kai kissed Sehun's forehead and touched his lips again with his fingers before moving it forward. _'Thank you, Sehun.'_ he pulled Sehun into an embrace. Sehun was already sobbing against Kai's shoulder.

This was a first snow to remember and Kai was about to make it more special for both him and Sehun. He gently pulled Sehun's hand to lead him just a little further to the beech tree which branches were dusted with snow. It was such a beautiful night. It had to be the only night where Kai had felt so blessed. He brought Sehun to stand under the tree with the sky roofing them with hundreds of scintillating stars. He held both of Sehun's hands and brought them to his mouth. He kissed the knuckles and saw Sehun smile with watery eyes.

Kai pulled out a bracelet from his pocket. It was made from three brown leather strings that twined around one another like a braid. He had bought it from a merchant this morning when he found out that it was for luck and love. _'Let's get married, Sehun.'_

Sehun's mouth fell open as his eyes bulged out. He looked like he might pass out as he gaped at Kai. "What?"

_'Now. Here.'_

"Kai-"

 _'I want to touch you with full rights.'_ he slid a palm across Sehun's cheek before pulling the hand back. _'Who said we have to be man and woman to get married? I love you and you love me. That's enough. Marry me.'_

Sehun was panting but he started crying again as he nodded. "Okay.... Okay." he threw his arms around Kai's neck and hugged him.

Kai could probably die out of happiness right now. He took Sehun's wrist and tied the string around it. Sehun examined it with a smile that Kai had never seen before. The falling snow only add to the quiet and languid ambience. Kai cupped Sehun's face as he hesitantly held a side of Sehun's waist. Sehun already had his eyes closed. Kai wiped a tear that trickled down Sehun's cheek with his thumb and leaned forward. When his lips lightly touched Sehun's bottom lip, Sehun clutched onto Kai's shirt. He kissed Sehun.

Sehun's lips quavered against Kai's. Kai kissed Sehun's upper lip and released it to study Sehun's face. When Sehun parted his lips to gasp for air, Kai kissed him again. This time, a little deeper. The tip of his tongue swiped along Sehun's lower lip as his hand gripped Sehun's waist harder. Sehun drew back and panted, watching Kai's soft mien. He then curled an arm around Kai's neck and their lips met again. Kissing in the snow, under a tree, was definitely what Kai had expected to happen in his life. But then again, he never thought he will be married to Sehun either. Not lawfully, but at least by heart.

His whole body burned even in the cold. Sehun's mouth upon his own. Their hands desperate to hold each other. Kai drew back and Sehun pressed their foreheads together. "It's our wedding night, then?" he asked with a nervous smirk.

* * *

 

Stumbling and running around the village in the middle of the night, through the snow, yanking Sehun's hand was not something that Kai had ever anticipated to happen. Not to mention that he had just gotten married under the first snow to his first love. Whether it would last or not was no longer the question. Kai wanted to cherish this night, give Sehun all that he had.

Sehun was laughing all the way to Kai's hut, bumping onto and kissing Kai at every chance he got. Just a few feet before the hut, Sehun pulled Kai's muffler and smashed their mouths together. Kai latched his hands on Sehun's hips and kissed him full on mouth. Sehun drew back and giggled before tugging Kai's sleeve towards the hut. Kai pinned Sehun's back onto the door and pressed their chests together as Sehun draped his arms over Kai's shoulders. "We're married." Sehun mouthed, snickering a little. Kai crept his cold hands up the sides of Sehun's body under his fur cloak. Sehun bit his lip and clenched his eyes shut. Kai connected their lips again, tasting every bit of Sehun's lower lip. When he lightly pressed his thigh between Sehun's, Sehun gasped heavily into Kai's mouth. Kai broke the kiss to examine Sehun's face. He was blushing as his hands fisted around Kai's shirt at the back. "Do you... want to..." he kept his eyes low on Kai's lips. 

Kai pushed the door and as it jerked open, Sehun stumbled back and plunged straight to the ground, pulling Kai down with him. They laughed again, tangled in each other's limbs with Kai's weight pinioning Sehun. Kai kicked the door shut with his heel and held down Sehun's wrist to the wooden floorboards at the sides of Sehun's head. Their cachinnation faltered with Sehun spreading his legs wider and their groins kneading. The friction was amazing even through the fabric of their trousers. Their lips met once more, engaging a feverish kiss, hungry enough to make Kai's phallus ache. Sehun panted vigorously into Kai's mouth, thrusting his hips up to grind harder against Kai. "Kai." he breathed upon Kai's mouth and it felt sensational to have all of Sehun's body for himself. Kai released Sehun's wrists to pull off the muffler from his neck. Sehun clasped his hands on Kai's buttocks, pressing him tighter against his own hips. Sehun was incredibly hot, getting harder at every hump that Kai gave him. He was so beautiful.

Sehun's lips was grazing Kai's cheek as Kai tried to unlace his own shirt while humping Sehun. He pushed Sehun's shirt up, enough to reveal the planes of his stomach and lowered down to pepper the skin with kisses. Sehun clutched Kai's hair as Kai's lips fumbled to place wet kisses on his stomach and along the waistline. His hand lightly cupped Sehun's turgescence and arching flesh. Kai brought his head up to see Sehun facing the other way, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip and his palpable mien was begging for more. Kai stroked him over the trousers, kissing and sucking the skin just slightly below his navel. Standing, Kai hauled Sehun up and Sehun heavily leaned on him. Their mouths desperately found the other. The way their lips fitted was arrestingly spectacular, like Sehun's lips were meant for Kai's. Kai swung Sehun and pressed his front onto the door. Sehun turned his head halfway back to kiss Kai's mouth. As sloppily as they kissed, Kai messily undid the laces on the front of Sehun's shirt after peeling the cloak off. It was obvious about who wanted what right now.

Sehun broke the kiss and pressed his forehead onto the door with a hand reached back to grip Kai's hip as Kai ground his erection up Sehun's breech. He pulled the shirt off Sehun's shoulders and let it shed to the floor. Kai jerked Sehun's lower to smash onto his hipbone by yanking the sides of his waist. Kai caressed Sehun's waistline, brushing his fingers down to Sehun's pants. He pulled the string of the pants and slid his hand in. Sehun lurched back and let the back of his head rest on Kai's shoulder as his chest heaved. Kai's body went fervid with passion when his hand curled around Sehun's phallus. Sehun's body shuddered as he clasped his hand over Kai's own. How much Kai yearned to hear Sehun's voice right now... Kai pulled off his shirt with one hand while the other stroked Sehun. Sehun began to thrust into Kai's hand and when he rocked back, his haunches rammed against Kai's hips, grinding up his erection. His lips filled Sehun's shoulder blades with osculation, kissing and tasting the skin thoroughly. Kai wanted to touch and taste every part of Sehun. Uncover him inch by inch. Kai tugged Sehun's pants down before pushing his own, and when he pressed the bare flesh of his arching shaft between the cleft of Sehun's buttocks, Sehun went limp against the door. Kai kissed along the side of Sehun's neck, wondering how much all this meant to Sehun. Because to Kai, he was surrendering all of him to another person. This was more than just making love. He would die if things go south after this. He won't be able to bear it if Sehun... no, he can't even think about it.

Both of their hands worked on stroking Sehun's length as they kissed, all tongue and teeth in an odd angle. Sehun perked his rear back to grind harder against the underside of Kai's erection. Never in his life Kai had thought that he would be this happy. Married, making love and with Sehun. He had earned this. Through all the misery and dejection, he deserved this happiness. Sehun turned around and crossed his arms behind Kai's neck, kissing him full on mouth, tongue twisting and curling around one another. They stumbled out of their boots and the pants that pooled around their feet, making their way towards the fireplace.

Sehun was shoved to lie down just before the fireplace and Kai hovered over him to reconnect their lips. Their naked bodies were burning, smashed together with no room for air to pass through. Kai moved his lips down to Sehun's jawline and licked along before dragging the kisses to his neck. He smelled of gardenia and musk oil. Kai inhaled all of Sehun's scent while kissing his neck. Sehun grabbed a handful of Kai's hair and Kai looked up at the almost shattered boy. "Please, Kai." Sehun begged with watery eyes. Kai licked the tips of his fingers and lowered his hand between Sehun's legs. He lightly pushed a finger into the cleft of Sehun's buttocks and stroked the tight opening. Sehun's body arched into Kai's as Kai's saliva-slicked finger circled his hole. Kai crashed his lips onto Sehun, shoving his tongue straight into Sehun's mouth. Sehun lifted his feet off the floor and wrapped his legs around Kai's waist, sending vibrating breath into Kai's mouth and bit Kai's bottom lip before suckling it. Kai rubbed the outer muscles of Sehun's hole, heating it up with the saliva. He pressed the tip of his middle finger slightly into the opening and watched Sehun wince. He was sweating all over with his erection arching against Kai's stomach. "Come inside me, Kai." Sehun said, digging his nails into the skin of Kai's back.

Kai bit his own lip too hard that he tasted blood on his tongue. He pressed the heel pad of his palm on Sehun's balls as his fingers stroked Sehun's opening before rubbing the tip of his slicking erection on it. Sehun's parted lips suggested that he was moaning or groaning or even screaming as Kai rubbed the slit that was slicked with pre-come on his hole. Sehun's nails began to abrade Kai's chest, marking it with long red lines of painful scratches. Kai spat onto Sehun's palm and brought it to his aching member. Sehun's eyes quavered as he applied the saliva on Kai's phallus, stroking him along the way. The fire was flickering, almost dying out but Kai was sure that they wouldn't really need more warmth.

Sehun clung onto Kai's neck and brushed their foreheads together. Kai kissed his mouth, pulling Sehun's lip between his teeth, swiping his tongue along it, savouring all of his mouth just as he pushed the head of his length into Sehun. Sehun almost crushed the back of Kai's neck as he dropped his head onto the floor with a jerk. Kai froze for a moment before slowly thrusting the whole length into him. Sehun clenched his eyes close and cried out. Trepidation took over Kai. He wasn't even sure if he was doing this right. But Sehun kissed Kai again, encouraging him to go on. Kai pulled out before sliding back in. It took almost three thrusts before Sehun finally started to look like he was in painful pleasure. Their bodies molded and Kai fitted just right inside him. They were gasping for air, sweating immensely with Kai filling Sehun's inside. Their tongues danced erotically, their wild breath matching up to Kai's thrusts. Sehun tugged Kai's hair and sunk his teeth into the skin of Kai's shoulder, biting it probably to muffle his screams. He pushed all of him into Sehun, knocking his prostate, causing Sehun to peak in pleasure. His face went languid and he began to enjoy every thrust of Kai's erection, screwing into him. He even kissed back passionately now, synchronizing his body's motion to Kai's thrusts. "Faster... Kai." he huffed out. "Harder, please!" Kai picked up the pace and threw one of Sehun's legs onto his shoulder to get a better access. Sehun's back arched off the floor as Kai slammed into him. Kai was so close by the time Sehun was about to reach his climax.

And when Sehun did, it was epic. He burst his white seeds all over Kai's stomach with his face crumpled so beautifully. Kai kept sliding in and out of him, wanting so desperately to stain Sehun from the insides. He let Sehun's leg slid from his shoulder and leaned down to kiss him. They clasped their hands just seconds before Kai came down hard into Sehun. Sehun rammed his mouth onto Kai's, gasping into it as Kai's semen filled him. Kai was exhausted, but he couldn't stop kissing those soft lips. He brushed Sehun's lips lightly before he disengaged their kiss. Sehun blinked his eyes languidly as Kai breathed upon his mouth.  "It... feels... so... good." he stroked Kai's cheek. "I love you, Kai."

The fire was almost at its embers. Kai took Sehun's hand and pressed Sehun's palm to his chest. You are the first person to love this useless orphan, Sehun... he didn't say it, though. There was no point in saying it. Just being buried deep inside Sehun was more than anything that Kai could ask for. He wouldn't trouble Sehun with words that would burden him.

Kai pulled out of Sehun unwillingly and Sehun pushed him to lie down. In the dim light of the room, Kai watched Sehun place himself between Kai's legs and his lips brushed the head of Kai's member. Sehun's tongue darted out and licked Kai's slit, causing Kai to burn with ruddiness. Sehun sucked and licked all of the remaining seed that covered Kai's length. Kai pulled him to lie on him and Sehun settled his head on Kai's chest. Kai nuzzled his nose into Sehun's hair that smelled like strawberry for some reason. It made him smile. Only Sehun would use strawberry oil for his hair in this village other than little kids. Sehun lifted his left hand and probed the bracelet. He brought his head up and smiled at Kai. "It's beautiful, husband." he pecked on a corner of Kai's mouth and laid his head back on Kai's chest.

 

 

 

  
The brightness of the room danced behind Kai's eyelids and his eyes snapped open before squinting at the brilliance of the sunlight that made its way into the hut through the cracks of the walls. He wondered if it was still snowing outside as he propped himself up with the aid of his elbows. The blanket that covered his body had not been there when Kai fell asleep, tangled in Sehun's arms. Sehun wasn't there as well. He anxiously glanced around the room and found Sehun sitting in a corner near the lit up fireplace, wearing nothing but Kai's grey tunic that exposed the lower part of his thighs and legs. Kai sat up and blinked to clear his vision, only to see Sehun holding a piece of paper in his hands, eyes focused on it. Red and glimmering eyes.

Kai began to kneel up but stopped when Sehun looked in his way with his sobbing face. Beside him was the satchel that Kai had used to accumulate the letters he had recently wrote for Sehun. It didn't exceed in the numbers of letters that Kai had already burnt except for the first letter that he had ever written but that would only mean that Sehun could have read all of the remaining. Sehun stared at him with his watery eyes, tears trickling down his cheeks. Kai sucked in a breath, unable to conceiver Sehun's subtle yet crying countenance.

"How... can you... think that I will leave you, Kai?" Sehun asked and wiped his cheeks with the end of the tunic's sleeve. "You would find and fall in love with someone who will be worth it. Who will not be me. I am nowhere near good for you and I know that I'm expecting too much when you are so perfect and I'm anything but perfect." he read from the letter before looking up at Kai. He tossed the letter aside and stood up, strode over to Kai. Kai couldn't even face Sehun anymore. Sehun sat on Kai's lap and curled his hands around the back of Kai's neck. He was still crying as he spoke with trembling lips. "Is that how you think of me?"

Kai quickly shook his head and cupped Sehun's face before wiping the tears with his thumbs.

"I don't care if you can't speak. I don't need you to talk. It doesn't really matter if you can't hear me speak. You're a man and so am I. I know that everything is so complicated. But I never thought that this will end. Us.... I can't lose you. I think.. I-I.. I will die..."

Kai frowned and pinched his own earlobes, hanging onto them. _'I'm sorry.'_ he then pulled Sehun into an embrace before he felt Sehun's warm tears on his shoulder.

 

 

 

 

 

Kai had never appreciated life this much. It all seemed too good to be true but it was real. All of it. He was married. He had claimed Sehun in a way no one else could. He was happy. For once. He was getting all that he ever wanted. If only his mother was here to see how happy her son was now. And Sehun was the sole reason for all of those happiness. If Sehun was taken away from Kai, then so will his happiness. Winter had never been more beautiful. And Kai would thank his mother every single day for letting him have this happiness. For blessing him.

The streets were covered with snow and the passing horse pranced everywhere as children played around, hurling snowballs at each other. Christmas was around the corner and Kai had to get presents for Sehun and Taeyong. He already had something in mind for Taeyong but he was still brooding over what he ought to get for his husband. The mere thought made Kai grin from ear to ear. And that was when he was almost ran over by a horse. Kai jerked to the side as the rider spat something angrily at him. Someone shoved him as he passed, scowling at Kai. "What are you gawping at, dumb good-for-nothing by-blow?" he sneered at Kai.

"He's deaf and dumb." his comrade said, nudging Kai's arm with his elbow. Kai clenched his fists and strutted away, stomping on the snow. By-blow... Kai ground his teeth but his infuriation dithered when he saw Sehun guiding his horse towards the stables. Smiling to himself, Kai snuck up behind him and Sehun jumped when Kai snaked an arm around his waist. Kai pulled him into a ginnel and pressed Sehun's back on a wall. Sehun beamed and playfully punched Kai's chest.

 _'I miss you.'_ Kai kissed Sehun's forehead knowing that no one was around.

 _'I missed you too.'_ Sehun kissed Kai's cheek. _'Why does my husband miss me, though?'_

_'Not bad. Your sign language is improving.'_

Sehun smirked and tugged Kai's collar to kiss his mouth but the kiss didn't last very long. "I have to get Diamant into his stall and assist my father to the capital later. I will be back tomorrow."

_'What?'_

"Don't worry." Sehun wrapped his arms around Kai's neck. "I'll be back before you know it. And then we can celebrate Christmas eve together next week."

Kai tilted his head and kissed Sehun. They parted unwillingly and Sehun hurried back to his horse as Kai started treading towards the merchant's. But his arm was suddenly pulled and he spun around to see Bomi smiling at him. "Hey."

Kai smiled back although a part of him was guilty for not helping her. _'How are you?'_

_'I need to talk to you.'_

Kai blinked and hesitated for a moment. But Bomi didn't give him any room to resist as she yanked him towards the fence that bordered the farm. _'What?'_ Kai pulled his arm free.

 _'I want to go away, Kai. We don't have to do this anymore. We can find happiness someplace else.'_ she said with eyes full of hope.

_'What are you talking about?'_

_'I heard Sehun talking to his father about breaking the marriage. His father didn't agree but I think... Sehun knows about me and his brother.'_

Kai gulped. _'Bomi... I can't help you.'_

 _'Why?'_ she glowered. _'Why not, Kai? I'm not asking for your help. Think about it. You and I... somewhere alone for ourselves. We've been there for each other all this while and I didn't even want to get married to Sehun in the first place. I thought that...'_

 _'What?'_ Kai asked when she trailed off.

"God. You're going to make say this, aren't you?" she scoffed and Kai raised a brow. _'Kai, I would have gone anywhere with you if you had just asked.'_

Crap. This was going in the wrong direction. Kai began to tense up. _'Bomi, I think maybe you should talk to Sehun about this. And his brother. I don't have a say-'_

_'What don't you understand?! Do I have to be loud and clear that I've always liked you?!'_

Blood drained from Kai's face. He was paralyzed for a moment. _'I... can't.'_

Bomi stared at him with gaping mouth. _'What do you mean you can't? What's there for us in this place? You only have me, Kai. And I can't wait for you to take an action anymore.'_

_'I thought you liked Sehun's brother.'_

_'That wasn't planned. But you and I... I really like you, Kai. But why don't you ever notice me? We can leave this place and start a new life.'_

_'No... I can't, Bomi.'_

_'Why not?!'_

_'Because I like boys!'_

Bomi went red for a moment as she stared vacantly at Kai's face with utter shock. "What?"

Kai took in a deep breath. _'Yes. I like men. I'm a sodomite. No matter what, I can never see you in the way you want me to see you.'_

She took a step back as her expression died. "You..."

_'I'm so sorry. I can't feel love for you, Bomi. Not in that sense. And it's not your fault. It's just... me.'_

"God... No.." she began to pant. "Shit. You sodding... bastard! That's what you like?! Lifting boys' tunics and... lord!" she twirled around and practically ran away from Kai.

* * *

 

How did the tables turn like this? Kai had never expected even an ounce of the happiness and perfection of a life that Bomi had but now, she was racked with hardship whereas Kai's heart was all light. He only had one thing to think about in life and that was these little moments he was sharing with Sehun. He had become so selfish that he was allowing no room for anyone to ruin his perfect little paradise with Sehun. His world had become so small. And it only revolved around Sehun. He was going to tear Bomi's happiness away...

Kai sat in a corner of the room, staring blankly at the fire. Had it been his fault in some way? It was undeniable that if it wasn't for him, Sehun might have just gotten married to Bomi. He might have been happy too. Now everything was so complicated because of Kai. Because he had driven Sehun in the wrong direction, thus spoiled Bomi's chance at a good married life. Will he ever stop being a jinx as if he was a malediction to everyone that he loved? What can Kai actually do for Sehun except be a constant burden that will only pull Sehun back? Kai was thinking too much.

He hugged his legs, buried his chin between his knees, wondering what Sehun could be doing right now? How many congralutory will he get on his trip to the capital? Bomi said that Sehun's father had disapproved. How was Sehun going to convince his family to cancel the wedding? Kai will rather kill himself than stay alive and watch Sehun get married. Kai can't even ask Sehun to run away with him when Sehun would have a great future here. Just because Kai's fate was wretched, it didn't mean he'd have to make Sehun's one as well.

He needed Sehun in his arms right now to prove himself wrong. Sehun said that he will never leave Kai. He promised. Kai pulled his legs tighter to his chest. If even Bomi, whom Kai had thought to be his best friend through thick and thin, reacted so flagrantly belligerent. He hadn't expect her to react angrily. But then again, what did he bank on? For here to be so supportive when a man whom she was infatuated with burst out saying that he was gay which was an unspeakable crime just while she was pledging her affection for him? Kai had been so inconsiderate. Maybe if his mother was here he could have seeked for her comfort but no, he had been the main reason for her death as well. Kai literally wanted to scoff at how the black dog endlessly trailed him.

Sehun said that he had read some of the letters and couldn't bear to even imagine how hurt Kai must have been when he wrote them. It was true. Kai had almost believed that Sehun would stay with him forever when Sehun said so. But when he tried to think practical, Sehun will have to get married, properly, to a woman and raise a family. It would have been so much better if Kai had just let their relationship remain platonic. But instead, he had allowed himself to show how beautiful making love was. And Sehun had enjoyed every bit and piece of it. At this rate, it will be more difficult to accept the reality that Kai feared so much these days.

No, he will have to stop doing this to himself. Whenever he found a spark of happiness, it had become a habit of his to think of the worst outcomes of his little joy. Kai got onto his feet and grabbed the fleece cloak before exiting the hut. Sehun wouldn't be here tonight. The mere thought disturbed Kai. Had Sehun become Kai's permanent obsession? Kai smiled, thinking about what Sehun would have to say about this. Just a couple of nights back,  Sehun was devouring baby tomatoes soaked in buttermilk, sitting on Kai's lap, wearing nothing but Kai's shirt.

_"These are my favourite." Sehun mumbled as he shoved in another buttermilk-soaked tomato into his mouth. The white liquid trickled down Sehun's fingers and Kai took the pleasure in licking it up. Sehun grinned at him and took another tomato to brush it against Kai's lips. Kai slowly took a bite of it before sucking Sehun's fingers. Sehun giggled. "I think you're obsessed with my taste." Kai nodded vigorously, all smiles._

Kai couldn't agree more. It had not snowed tonight but the grounds were still covered with the ivory frost. Lanterns and lamps were lit up to brighten the streets. Houses had candles burning at their thresholds. Christmas spirit was definitely in the air and Kai had no idea what he should get for Sehun and Taeyong. Maybe a ball for Taeyong? That might be just idealistic. Hoping that the merchant's would still be opened, Kai set forth.His footsteps faltered into a slower pace when he saw Sehun's brother approaching from the opposite direction. The man was at least half a feet taller than Kai, quite muscled and young for his age. But his eyes were of someone who had gone through plenty. He threw Kai a side glance as he walked by and Kai quickly dropped his gaze. But he was stopped when a horse blocked his path and pranced greatly. Kai squinted and took several steps back. Some of the villagers halted on their tracks to witness the situation. Even Sehun's brother was watching when Bomi's father dismounted his inky, ebony horse with the riding crop in his hand. He was scowling, looking as mad as a hornet. Kai blinked confusedly at Bomi's father's confounded expression.

His hand suddenly came up to Kai's collar and he grabbed it before shoving Kai back. "Bloody orphan!" the man spat at Kai.

"Hey hey." Sehun's brother stopped Bomi's father when the man began to shove Kai's chest again. "Is there a problem?"

"Not that you will be pleased of, Ayden." said Bomi's father. Ayden glanced over at Kai who was utterly taken aback by the puzzling plight. "I told this boy to not to even come close to my daughter ever again! He knows that she is betrothed to your brother and yet, he had the guts to pull her hand around the village!"

Kai began to raise his hands but there was nothing that he could do which will make them understand. This had been Kai constant problem; never being able to voice out his thoughts or defend himself. Ayden was saying something to Bomi's father and the old man only retaliated.

"Go home, Ayden! This boy needs to know how to keep his filthy hands off my daughter!"

Ayden did nothing but retreat. Kai eyed the villagers who were watching and out of the blue his arms were restrained. Kai shot the two men who were gripping his arms a death glare. "Bring the torch!" Bomi's father called out.

Kai began to tense up and he tried to wriggle himself free but the thought of rebelling against the village's richest merchant was more threatening. A boy handed Bomi's father a lit torch, blazing with fire. "No." Ayden protested again. "Stop this nonsense."

"You do not know of our village's regulations, boy. Just do your miser job and leave us to do ours."

"You're..." Ayden trailed off and just stomped away from there with a hard expression.

Kai's heart hammered to his chest, pounding louder than his ragged breath and jagged jerks to free himself from those brutal grips but was to no avail. The old man put off the fire from the torch as the men on Kai's sides forced Kai's hands be brought forward, palms faced up. Kai knew better than to fight these people. He had done no mistake and he couldn't even say it out loud. But if he fought, trying defend himself, he knew that he will be easily thrown out of the village and he can't afford that right now. He had to stay here at least for Sehun.

"If I see you anywhere near my daughter again, I will not spare your life." Bomi's father snapped and pressed the head of the igniting torch onto Kai's palms. That moment, the pain was something that Kai had never experienced before. The burning of the kindling torch incinerated the skin of Kai's palms like tiny thorns prickling through every one of the skin cells. Only after a moment Kai realized that his eyes were stinging with tears and he was screaming. But no one came to help. Why would they? They would be glad to get rid of this ominous rubbish that was said to bring misfortune to the village. When the torch was finally pulled off Kai's palms, they were blistered, burnt and utterly disfigured with bits of burnt flesh and scorching bright blood. Kai's knees buckled and dropped to the ground when the men released his arms. His hands trembled like branches in a storm. Kai would have sobbed but the sight of his completely ruined palms terrified him so much that he could have stopped breathing for a moment. It stung and it was so painful.

When he looked up, his eyes betrayed him as well. They were misty with tears but he could see Bomi crying and fighting her persistent father to get to Kai. But she didn't succeed. People around him muttered things as they passed him. Didn't these people have any soul? Kai stood up with a great effort, keeping his eyes on the destroyed palms. He blinked his eyes, trying to focus on breathing as he took a heavy step forward. The only thought that came to Kai's mind was how was he going to write or even touch Sehun for at least some while now? Kai wiped his cheeks with the sleeve as he wept, making his way back home. Certainly if his mother had been here, she wouldn't have let that happen to him. She would have spoken for him.

Someone pulled his cloak out of the sudden and Kai was too tired to even turn his head but through his peripheral vision, he saw Bomi crying as she tugged Kai's cloak again. Kai kept walking.

 

 

  
The pain had not subdued overnight. Kai had no idea what he should do with those burnt useless palms. They would heal but Kai would never be able to forget how the villagers looked at him when Bomi's father had burned his palms. Kai sat on his bed, staring endlessly at his hands. He hadn't been able to even catch a wink and had no idea when the sun had come up. It might even be noon right now.

The door was pushed open and Kai looked up at see Sehun bursting into the hut. His devastated expression suggested that he must heard about what happened. He ran over to Kai and panted, staring at Kai's hands that rested on Kai's thighs. "No." Sehun let out and slowly took his seat on the edge of Kai's bed. Kai smiled and started to pull his hands up to tell Sehun that it was okay. Only then he realized that he can't...

Kai's head spun for a moment. Tears trickled down Sehun's cheeks as he lightly brushed his fingers on the back of Kai's hands. "Kai..."

Kai really struggled now. He wanted to tell Sehun that he was fine. He didn't want to see Sehun crying. Not for him. Kai shifted on the bed and pulled his hands away. 'Se... hun..' he tried to move his lips.

"I'm going to make him pay, that old arse." Sehun jolted up from the bed. Kai caught Sehun's wrist with his ruined hand and god, it hurt so sodding much. Kai winced at the savage pain and released Sehun's wrist. Sehun flumped back onto the bed and hugged Kai, crying again. 

* * *

 

Only now Kai discerned how pivotal his hands were in his life. He wanted to wipe those tears that trickled down Sehun's cheeks. He wanted to pull Sehun into an embrace. Bomi had cried for Kai before. But Kai was never that pained. And seeing Sehun cry for him and because of him was heart-wrenching. "How could they do this to you, Kai?" Sehun sobbed, holding the Kai's wrists as the back of Kai's hands were settled on his lap. He murmured something when he looked down at Kai's burnt and corroded palms. Kai wanted to pull his hands back but Sehun was being persistent. Few drops of Sehun's tears spilled onto Kai's palm which stung and Kai reflexively hissed. "Sorry." Sehun quickly apologized. "I can't believe he would actually do this to you. He must know your hands are the only way you can converse. They are so precious. You... have to work."

Kai wanted to tell him that they will heal in time but for once, it was wonderful to see Sehun's concern for him. It was nice to have someone worry about him again. Kai lifted a hand and brushed the back of his fingers against Sehun's cheek. Sehun closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. For a moment, Kai wanted all of this to last forever.

"I was... I didn't know what to think when my brother told everything to my father when we arrived this morning. I couldn't believe my ears that someone would actually burn your hands with a torch just because you were seen with his daughter." Sehun said and shook his head in disgust. "And everyone else just watched? Even my brother didn't do anything. My father's furious, though. But he's only mad that a merchant had overridden his orders and anarchically punished a villager in public. I'll make sure that he pays for what he did. I didn't expect it to be this bad." his eyes welled up with tears again. Kai smiled even in pain before leaning to kiss Sehun's forehead. "To hell with the chapel and their bloody legislation."

Kai wanted to laugh at how protective Sehun was.

"I was so... scared." his eyes were fixated on Kai's hands again. "Your... hands."

God, Sehun, I'm not going to die, Kai wanted to tell him but he could barely move his fingers.

"I'll go get some panacea for the wounds."

Kai shook his head and lied down on the bed. He eyed his side and stretched his arm across the pillow. Sehun wiped his cheeks and snifled before lying on Kai's side, settling his head on Kai's arm. Kai draped his other arm over Sehun's waist, pressing his chest onto Sehun's back. Sehun's fingers brushed the heel pad of Kai's palm and Kai kissed a corner of his neck. He nuzzled his nose into Sehun's scented hair and drifted into sleep within a couple of seconds after clenching his eyes shut.

When he stirred from his sleep, Sehun was no longer in the bed, by his side. It only registered to Kai after some moments that the prickling sensation on his palms was what had woke up him up. He propped himself up on one elbow and eyeballed Sehun who was sitting on the floor by the side of the bed, carefully applying some kind of sticky liquid on Kai's palm. Sehun looked up at Kai with red eyes and forced a smile. "You're awake. Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. But I had to put this."

Kai winced at the stinging pain and dropped his head back on the pillow, keeping his eyes on Sehun. "I met Bomi on the way." Kai glanced out the window for a moment. It was dark outside. Sighing, he faced Sehun again. "She asked if I could check on you.... and she said that she didn't say anything to her father."

Kai held out the other palm when Sehun was done with the left. "I asked the healer if she would come see you." Sehun hung his head momentarily. "She refused to treat you." he said when he looked back up. He applied some of the colourless liquid on Kai's palm. "Why are these people so cruel to you when you have done nothing to them?" he frowned. "Why do you still stay here, Kai?"

Kai twisted his hand free and pointed his forefinger lamely at Sehun.

Sehun smiled but his eyes only reddened. "And then I met up with the leech. She was kind enough to prescribe me of the simples that would heal the burn." Kai noticed the number of jars beside Sehun. The leech. Taeyong's mother. "This is aloe." he finished up with applying the gel-like liquid and unlid another simple and drizzled some frangrant oil onto his own palm before brushing Kai's palms with it. "Lavender oil." he grinned at Kai. "Chickweed poultice. She said that this will help cool down the burns." he scooped a greenish poultice from a jar and covered Kai's burns with it. "And last but not the least." he knelt up and bent over. "A kiss for your booboo." he kissed Kai's lips. When he pulled back, Kai was so glad that he had gotten his hands burnt. For moments like this, he would even get his heart ripped out. "The leech said that Witch Hazel would be helpful. I'll see if I could get some. I'll have my hands washed. I've brought some Taleggio and potato pancakes. You look hungry." he pecked on Kai's cheek before rising on his feet and hurried to wash his hands in the basin.

 

 

 

 

  
Kai's life had never been this perfect. The beautiful happiness that his painful burns had brought him was priceless. Over the week, Sehun had spent almost all day and night with Kai except when he needed to report to his father. He snuck out his house every night to spent it with Kai, giggling and narrating amazing folklores that Kai had never came across before.

"You look disgusting." Sehun complained as he shaved Kai's jaw with the blade. "All scruffy. It hurts when you kiss." Kai blushed at that remark and remained still when Sehun brought the blade closer to his neck. "I do not like my husband hairy like a monkey."

Kai almost laughed but he waited until the blade was off his throat. When Sehun was all done, Kai strained his hands a little to pull on a tunic and made his way to the bed so that he could cuddle with Sehun before Sehun would have to go home. "Shall I put some oil on your hands now?"

Kai shook his head, leaning his back on the wall by the bedside. Sehun climbed onto Kai's lap and sat across it, locking his arms around Kai's neck. "I have good news for you." he ran his hand through Kai's hair, stroking it. "Mine and Bomi's father are having a dispute. If this goes on, father would call off the wedding."

An automatic smile stretched Kai's lips wide. But it faltered when he thought about Bomi.

Sehun lifted Kai's hand and brought his healing palm to his mouth before kissing it. His lips slowly kissed every inch of the palm and fingers as Kai buried his face into Sehun's shoulder. Sehun suddenly got off Kai and shifted his position so that he was now facing Kai as he sat back on his lap. "Who knew I would love you this much." he smiled and kissed a side of Kai's freshly-shaved jaw. Well, definitely not Kai.

Kai yearned to touch Sehun but he knew it will be futile since he could feel nothing but the mild sting in his hands. "No matter what, I will not marry that man's daughter. He's so brutal to have done this to your hands." Sehun kissed Kai's forehead, his hand slowly tugging the laces on Kai's pants. "I'm sorry, Kai. I'm sorry that I'm so useless. I wish I was... braver."

Kai brushed Sehun's cheek with his jagged fingers. Wounds can heal, Sehun. Scars can't. I will be scarred forever if anything happens to you. I will never ask you to be braver.

Their lips met after several brushes of breaths. Just a soft touch like a butterfly's wings. Kai's lips were utterly chapped against Sehun's smooth lips. Kai let his hands graze Sehun's hips as Sehun's eyelashes batted, his mouth parting to suck in a breath but ended up allowing Kai's tongue to slide in. Their tongue met in a languid dance of pleasure, lips moulding like they were made for each other. Kai slightly slid down the wall behind his back and kissed Sehun passionately even if he just wanted to tup Sehun onto the bed and mount him. Making love to his husband was not something Kai would want to rush.

When they broke the kiss, a thin string of saliva connected their red, throbbing lips. Sehun's lips were glistening with either Kai's saliva or his own or maybe both. "Early Christmas gift?" Sehun asked with a lewd smile before kneeling up. He got off Kai to kick off his pants. His virescent green tunic ended sligtly above his fair mid-thighs. Sehun knelt on Kai's sides as his fingers fumbled to undo the rest of the laces on Kai's pants. When he was done, he fisted his hands around Kai's tunic at his chest and smashed their mouths together, initiating another feverish kiss. Although Kai couldn't touch Sehun, Sehun did all the part for Kai. One of his hands from Kai's chest dropped to Kai's crotch and he drew out Kai's hardening, pulsating member while his mouth kissed Kai's desperately. Kai wrapped his arms around Sehun's body, kissing him sloppily as Sehun began to stroke him. "I love you." Sehun breathed out against Kai's lips and Kai had never wanted so badly to tell Sehun how much he loved him.

Sehun pushed himself onto Kai's erection and threw his head back with lidded eyes, jaw-clenched and hands gripping hard onto Kai's shoulders. He bowed his head and kept his lips busy on Kai's as he slowly started to rock against Kai. Sehun's hand tugged and pulled Kai's tunic at random parts, riding Kai slowly and almost gracefully. Kai knew he would be the one to climax first this time. Just seeing the saliva trickle down from the corner of Sehun's mouth could make Kai come. He reached up and kissed Sehun's chin. Sehun inclined his head forward and kissed Kai's mouth, rocking faster on Kai. His hand was clasping his own erection under his tunic.

Sehun straightened up and pulled his tunic off, over his head and tossed it onto the bed. Kai took all of Sehun's milky-white body in and reached up to lick and suck Sehun's collarbone. He slowly dragged his lips down to one of Sehun's hardened nipples and swirled his tongue around it. Sehun clutched onto Kai's hair at the back of his head while Kai sucked him with Sehun riding him to his brink. And when it happened, the comedown was phenomenal. Sehun was only two seconds behind Kai after Kai had burst inside Sehun. Kai peeled his stained tunic off and pulled Sehun down with him to lie on the bed. Panting and damp with beads of sweat, they stared into each other's eyes before Sehun stroked Kai's hair. "Let's leave, Kai."

Kai blinked his widened eyes.

Sehun brushed his lips on Kai's sweaty forehead. "Will you take me away? I'm asking you. Not ordering you."

Without any hesitation at all, Kai nodded. If that was what Sehun wanted, why would he ever say no?

Sehun smiled half a smile and Kai kissed him. "Right after Christmas. Let's just go and live somewhere where we can be together."

Kai couldn't possibly contain his happiness right now. He embraced Sehun and pressed his lips onto Sehun's shoulder. After Christmas... And it was Christmas Eve tomorrow. He wanted to give his husband something special.

* * *

 

Sehun's warmth that Kai had thoroughly gotten familiarized with over the several weeks had not withered away in the morning like it should have as every other day. Kai roused from his sleep as soon as little flickers of sunlight touched his eyelids. He opened his eyes to Sehun's pristine face. His eyes were barred, hemmed with long eyelashes, lips tightly secured and his burnt sienna hair curtained his forehead. His lean arm was draped over Kai's waist and Kai suspected Sehun's leg to be resting on his thigh under the blanket. Kai brushed locks of Sehun's hair just above Sehun's ear with his sore fingers, careful not to wake him up. This feeling of wonderment caused by someone so beautiful was not ubiquitous and certainly was not something that Kai could experience everyday. He wished to hold this moment dear to him for as long as he could. He knew that he was harbouring too much of a false hope by clinging onto the current moment of happiness. But he was not going to fret over his rotten luck today. Especially not today.

Their bodies were still blanched from last night's session of making sweet love and smell of sex still hung in the air. The best part about doing it with Sehun was that Kai knew exactly the ways that would pleasure Sehun. It was the sheer beauty of it. He eyed the bracelet around Sehun's wrist that was settled on the side of Kai's waist. A rich boy, who had all the means, was wearing a wristlet given by a worthless, meaningless person. Sehun had to be the most kindest soul that Kai had ever come across. He could easily choose a different, much more sensible path; follow the chapel, marry a sophisticated woman, raise a family, live with dignity. But instead, he chose to fall in love with Kai who can give him none of that. Not a family, not a proper life...

Sehun stirred and shifted his weight, moved closer to Kai. He pressed his forearm onto Kai's chest before burying his face into it. Kai inhaled Sehun's hair at the top of his head and Sehun suddenly pulled back, eyes wide open. "Oh. You're.. up." he looked away, blinking his eyes vigorously. Kai caressed Sehun's cheek with the back of his hand and leaned in to kiss his lips. Sehun smiled when Kai drew back. "Good morning."

Kai began to kiss all over Sehun's face, his cheeks, chin, forehead, nose, eyelids. Sehun wriggled, laughing and shoving Kai but failed, nevertheless, to push Kai away. Kai pinned Sehun's back onto the bed and hovered above him with his forearms on the pillow at the sides of Sehun's head. "I didn't go home all night?" Sehun murmured and pecked on corner of Kai's lips. "I'm so doomed today."

Kai grinned.

"What are you smiling at?!" Sehun grabbed Kai's hair and tousled it until it became an utter disheveled mess. Kai caught Sehun's lips with his own and gave him a long, deserving kiss. When Kai broke it, Sehun had his eyes closed and his breath was lethargic. Kai brushed the tips of their noses. "Since I'm going to be nagged anyway, how about I just spend the rest of the day with you?"

Kai's eyes widened. Why would Sehun do that? It was Christmas Eve and he was supposed to be home for dinner. He shook his head and Sehun frowned. He ran his fingers through Kai's hair as his other hand climbed up and down Kai's chest. "I want to spend my Christmas evening with you." he cupped Kai's face. Kai shook his head again. As much as he wanted it, it would be problematic if Sehun didn't show up for Christmas dinner. "Why not? I can manage at home." Kai scowled this time and Sehun rolled his eyes. "Fine. But... can we go somewhere before I head home?"

And to this, Kai gave a jerky nod. The sunlight was gone now and the sky was probably darkening again. He got off Sehun and struggled to tie the laces on his pants but he managed it somehow. He turned to see Sehun still lying. Kai bent down and kissed Sehun once. Sehun shook his head fast with a pout on his lips. "Not now. Let me lie here for a while."

Kai picked up Sehun's expensive tunic from the floor and draped it onto Sehun's face. He then headed for his late mother's room and dropped onto his knees before the trunk. There should be some decent shirt in there. He rummaged through the sorted bunch of garbs and hauled out a vermeil-coloured shirt. This ought to be good enough. Just when he was about to close the trunk, his eyes fell on the piece of folded letter in the corner. Frowning, Kai recalled the time he had stuck that letter in there. The night when he had burned every other letter that he had written to Sehun. The frown quickly changed into a beam. He can't afford to buy Sehun those fancy gifts that Sehun's family and friends can get him. But Kai can shower him with the love he had. He fished out the letter and smiled at it.

 

 

 

  
Sehun yanked Kai's arm once Kai was done shutting the door. "Wait." Sehun glanced around as if someone was watching them. Most of the villagers will be busy preparing for Christmas dinner right now anyway. Sehun still took the initiative to pull the cloak over his head. "If anyone asks, I'm your mistress. With a disfigured face. And a squeaky voice. Understand?"

Kai outright laughed and hooked an arm around Sehun's neck before kissing his head over the fabric of the cloak. Sehun ducked his head as he followed Kai to the street. The sky was clear and the ground beneath was covered with bright white snow. "This is my first white Christmas in five years." Sehun told Kai with a smile. His eyes were shaded under the hood. "Everything is so special this year."

You have no idea, Kai thought.

Sehun came to a halt when they approached the fence on the skirt of the forest. "Your idea of a perfect Christmas outing is a trip to the jungle? You're not planning to really get me a bunny, are you?"

Kai scoffed and shook his head before leading the way. Sehun quickly caught up to Kai's side and pulled the cloak off his head. "My father is probably going crazy right now, wondering where I might have run off to." he giggled. "Fathers are so weird. They never care about their sons when they're around and when they're gone, they are..." Sehun stopped himself out of the sudden. "Sorry. I'm so stupid sometimes. I talk too much."

Kai snickered a little and pecked on Sehun's temple. He didn't miss his father or even mother as much anymore. And he can only thank Sehun for that. He had thought that Sehun would bring nothing but heartache, but Kai was proven to be wrong.

"Kai." Sehun dropped his gaze momentarily and looked up again with a smile. "We're married. And you're my husband. I've only heard about things like this from the capital punishment. Why can't men be with men they love? Or women... I had never been this happy before. What matters is that we're with someone we love. Someone that we can share our love with. Gender, status, wealth, religion should not matter. The chapel says that our God forbids same-gender relationship. It's evil. But... how can love be evil when the same God asked us to love? Are you evil? Am I evil? Then why should our love be so evil? Don't you deserve the love in the way that you want it to be? I don't know, but I will die than live without you anymore."

Kai chewed on his lower lip and stroked Sehun's hair with his mutilated hand. "I have faith, Kai." he smiled painfully. "We deserve this happiness. And if leaving everything and everyone behind will promise us this love forever, I'm willing to do it. Nobody stood up for Larana then. I had no say. But I can make us last."

Sehun suddenly stopped on his pace when they reached the cascade. His jaw dropped to the ground at the sight. Kai smiled. The waterfall was frozen, icy chandeliers protruding everywhere. "Will you... ever stop surprising me like this?" Sehun shot at Kai, taking some steps closer to the cascade. "This is beautiful." he exclaimed, facing Kai again. His eyes welled up with tears and god, why was Sehun so easily touched by the little things. This cascade was Kai sanctum and he was only willing to share this abandoned place with Sehun and Sehun alone. If they were going to leave Gurney White soon, he might as well make the most of this place right now. "Do I get my Christmas present now?" he asked, wiping his eyes.

Kai held the sides of Sehun's and Sehun closed his eyes for a moment, as if he was enjoying the jagged, burnt palms of Kai's. "Why don't you do anything, Kai? You should have fought them."

Kai pressed his lips on Sehun's forehead and Sehun kissed the heel of Kai's right palm. Kai pulled out the letter he had ever written to Sehun which dated several moons back. Sehun blinked at the letter when Kai held it out. "A letter?" he asked, still confused.

Kai stuck out his forefinger in his right hand and his thumb in the left before bringing the forefinger into contact with the thumb. Sehun contemplated the sign. "Oh." he accepted the letter and grinned like a child. "The first letter? Is this the first letter that you've wrote?"

Kai pointed at Sehun.

"Wrote to me." Sehun nodded. "Can I open it now?"

Kai shook his head and Sehun frowned. "Do I have to wait until tomorrow to open it?" the corners of Kai's lips quirked up. "Why would you want me to read this?"

Because... he wanted Sehun to know how much Sehun meant to him.

Sehun hid the letter in the pocket of his tunic and grappled Kai's neck with his arms. "And... can I be your Christmas present?" he smirked, edging closer to Kai's smiling mouth.

Kai nodded twice and let their lips graze.

The kiss had been so chaste with simple brushes of their lips because Sehun practically shoved Kai before he pulled back with a grave expression, eyes bulged out, panting his lungs out. He wasn't even looking at Kai. "Ayden." Sehun mouthed, peering over Kai's shoulder and Kai felt his stomach drop to the pit as he turned around to see Sehun's brother gaping at both of them with his hunting knife in his hand.

Kai's head spun a little as his breath quickened. Ayden was still wearing the shocked expression. He raised a hand to his mouth to clasp it. Kai couldn't even tear his gaze away from the man. He suddenly felt a set of warm fingers curl around his wrist and he saw Sehun standing by his side with a terrified face. His cheeks were so red as his hand was sweaty against Kai's wrist. "Brother." Sehun let out, looking like he might cry.

Ayden's hand dropped from his jaw and he was gaping again. "What the..." he said, shaking his head in horror. "Se... hun... what.. are you... doing?"

Kai's eyes darted to his lover. "Ayden.. I'm sorry but please let me explain."

Ayden clenched his knife and took a step back. "You are bewitched."

"No, I'm not! I love him!" his hand shivered around Kai's wrist.

"Oh Lord." Ayden spun around and ran out of there, into the thickness of the bared trees. Kai still couldn't find himself to be breathing. He couldn't even blink his eyes.

Sehun released Kai's wrist and started after his brother but stopped just to give Kai one last saddened glance before he broke into sprint. Kai's knees betrayed him and he plunged to the ground, gasping for air, eyes misty and ears clogged.

* * *

 

The restlessness was unbearable as was the thumping heart which might just break through the ribs and jump out of Kai's chest. Pacing the room while waiting basically was suffocating him. He wanted to punch something so hard but he knew that will do no one any good. Besides, with his razed and wasted hands, there wouldn't be much that he could damage. But Sehun had been gone for hours and the sun was already setting in the horizon. This had been his fault, since the beginning itself. What was Kai thinking? That he could possibly be with Sehun in the open like that? He can never give Sehun a normal life. He can't love Sehun outside this little hut. No matter where they go, this was how it will forever be for them. Why would Sehun even want that? And most of all, why couldn't Kai just accept that Sehun truly loved him to the extent where he was willing to take these risks? Kai couldn't care less about what was going to happen to him but if anything happened to Sehun, he had no idea of how he would cope with that. He had already lost too much and being, once again, the reason to lose another person that he held dearly will kill him in the cruelest way.

He went to flump on the edge of the bed. It was getting harder to breath by the minute and as the outside got darker, so did Kai's hope. He brought his palms to his face to bury it in them but the dried peeled off skin only flustered him further. He had not planned the day to turn out like this. No one had. Some wondrous Christmas Eve this day was proving to be.

No, this will not do. Kai rose to his feet and marched out the hut, not bothering to cloak himself up. Lights and lanterns lit up the streets and kids were already singing carols from cottage to cottage. A chill went up Kai's spine due to the cold as he strode straight towards Sehun's house. He didn't know what to expect but just waiting in that hut, not knowing anything about Sehun's current state. Ayden didn't seem like a terrible man who would jeopardize his brother's safety. And according to Sehun, the man had already lost too much. He wouldn't lose his brother as well. But his milieu suggested that he will lean towards the teachings of the chapel. He said that Sehun was bewitched. Kai could only hope that Ayden saw and comprehended farther than that.

He stared down at the red shirt that he had donned on for Sehun this morning. How stupid of him to cling onto the happily ever after bullcrap. Bewitched... Kai had bewitched Sehun. He was the evil one. The one who had drove Sehun in the wrong direction. The evil direction. Kai anxiously picked up his pace. Sehun definitely would have come to elaborate on what had happened. But he hadn't. The tension only grew worse within Kai. He broke into a jog, dreading every second of Sehun's absence. 

Kai had been in prospect for Sehun's house to be decorated and lit up lustrously but that wasn't the case. The house was dim, not even a lantern lit up on the outside. A lump rose in Kai's throat as he walked up to the house. His hand trembled, hesitating to even touch the doorbell's clapper but he gave it a jerky shove with his forefinger. Trepidation took over. Kai slightly panted as he waited for the door to open and when it did, Sehun's mother grimaced at Kai with red, puffy eyes. She stepped back and disappeared from the doorway before Kai saw Sehun on his knees in the living hall with his father standing tall by his side. As soon as Sehun's crying eyes fell on Kai, he jolted up and began to run towards the door but his brother, maddened, held him back. Sehun turned to his brother and snapped angrily before shoving his brother away, hard on the chest. Kai almost entered the house but when he saw the chief pulling Sehun back, he stopped on his heels.

The old man strutted to Kai and halted before him with a glowering look on his face. "How dare you show up on my doorstep?" the man demanded.

Kai eyed Sehun over the chief's shoulder before meeting the chief's gaze again. Kai lifted his hand and pathetically pointed at Sehun as if he could just ask for the old man to give Kai his Sehun back. "You satan's bastard." Ayden spat, standing on his father's side. "Get off my doorstep." he pushed Kai back, prodding harshly on Kai's shoulder. Kai tried to catch a glimpse of Sehun but failed to do so when the chief butted Kai's chest with the heel of his walking cane, sending Kai stumbling back.

"Don't get your hands on this filthy sodomite, Ayden." Sehun's father hawked before slamming the door shut, practically on Kai's face. For a moment, Kai thought that his heart might just stop beating. Not because he was scared for himself, but because he was terrified out his wits for Sehun.

His mind wasn't functioning right. He might have just gone crazy. The idea of never being able to see Sehun again made his blood run cold. As he passed the group of people who were singing carols, he noticed Taeyong to be part of the group. The boy grinned wide at Kai, waving his hand wildly but Kai's whole body was limp. It was a surprise that he was still able to drag his feet. He turned his gaze away from Taeyong as he plodded to his hut. Not minding an ounce of the cold, Kai dropped to sit down under the sunshade outside his hut, completely in loss of his spirits. He waited. Waited for something to happen. Anything to happen so that Sehun will be in his arms once again. If nothing, he was going to fight for him. Against a whole village? The village would just kill them both by hurling stones at them. If it wasn't the chapel, it will be the people. And all that Kai wanted now was for Sehun to be spared.

Some moments passed and several men came up to Kai. Kai had no idea who those approaching men were but when they clutched his collars, yanking him up to his feet, it had dawned to him. Before he could even respond, one of them threw a full-swung punch across Kai's face and Kai was left no time to recover from the blow as another struck him, this time on his stomach. He tasted blood in his cheek as his head spun. "Faggot!" one of the man hissed at Kai, hauling him onto the middle of the street. People gathered quicker than anything before. Priests were approaching on their horses and Kai wondered why had he not died earlier. The villagers were watching with intent as some of the men dragged Kai over the street. Just for a brief moment, Kai thought about fighting but knew that it will be futile. But still, he wriggled to free himself of their clutches on his arms but failed when another blow was plunged on a side of his face. Tears formed and he nearly saw white at the back of his eyes when another hit bashed his face. Hot liquid trickled down Kai's nose and Kai tasted the iron of his blood on the tip of his tongue.

A priest held his hand up to stop the men from walloping him. He dismounted his horse and straightened his collar, taking several steps to Kai. "You've been condemned to sodomy." said the priest. Kai wanted to shake his head but stopped when the priest waved his hand at Bomi who was keeping her gaze low. "This girl attests to that and the chief had ordered us to have you detained immediately."

Kai's heart sunk. But his lips still stretched into a smile. So it was just him who was getting arrested. Sehun was safe. Of course, his father would let his own son die. Kai, on the other hand, can't say much to defend himself, can he?

"It is a shame that you bring this humiliation upon your mother." said the priest with a disgusted face. Kai spurt out blood and spit on the priest's face on purpose. Sodders. The priest wiped his face, mortified and nodded at the men who were restraining Kai. A kick on the back of his legs brought Kai down to his knees. His face was already throbbing in agonizing pain and to add to that pain, another thwack came. Followed by another and another. Kai's vision had gone completely white for some moments before he earned the shoes and sandals that the villagers hurled at him. He looked up at the priests and still managed to flash them a mocking smile. "That's enough. Lock him up. We'll have him executed first thing on the second day of Christmas.

Kai forced himself up to stand and felt his arm being twisted. He let out a cry, face smeared with blood and a couple of ribs probably broken. He can't speak. He wasn't allowed to speak. If the chief's could get rid of this mute who had stained his son's soul, Sehun will be safe again. Kai wasn't going to fight that. He wouldn't put Sehun in jeopardy. But all that he wanted to ask was to let him see Sehun one last time. And he didn't get the chance to do so as they dragged him away. He eyed Bomi with eyes full of misery. She looked away, pained and hurt as well. He will not blame her either. No one knew her side of the story. But Kai already knew how his story was going to end.

* * *

 

_The scintillating flickers of fireflies hovering in the air, the thousands of stars brighter than anything embellishing the night sky and the rest of the beautiful forest that surrounded the little cottage was nothing compared to having Sehun rest his head on Kai's lap as Kai sat outside the doorsill with Sehun lying recumbent. He stroked Sehun's hair, kneading it gently while the latter watched the fireflies. Summer had never been better. Kai bowed and kissed Sehun's temple as Sehun smiled to himself. He sat up after a minute and leaned his back on Kai's chest. "The nightingales are singing." Sehun said, his lips so close to Kai's. "Don't you want to hear them?" Kai shook his head with the corners of his lips quirked up. 'Why would I want to hear them when I can't even hear your voice?' Sehun grinned and brushed his lips against Kai's. Kai kissed Sehun's palm and then the back of his hand followed by every single knuckle before pressing his lips on Sehun's forehead. 'Don't ever leave me.'_

_Sehun ran a hand through Kai's hair and cupped a side of his face. "Don't you want a family?"_

_'You're all the family I need.'_

 

Kai woke up with the burning pain in his chest and abdomen. His nose was clogged with blood, face throbbing with contusion and he was sure most parts of his body would be bruised by now. His eyes were a constant blur even when he tried to clear them. The pounding in his head mattered very less to him compared to how the pain he felt when it discerned to him that he had been dreaming such beautiful moments that will never occur. The ground was jagged and dirty when Kai pressed his palms on it to he push himself up to sit. The place was poorly-lit with just one lantern hanging in a corner. Kai surmised that it could be the dungeon although he hadn't expected it to be this huge. It only made him feel more little. He pulled his knees up, pressed them to his aching chest and hugged his legs. His eyes betrayed him then. He broke into a cry. The pain of losing Sehun was greater than the agony of his sore body and the humiliation that he had gone through. He was hit by shoes, people had called him names, and worst of all, he had brought shame to his mother. Kai buried his face into his knees and sobbed harder. _Please let me see him..._

Please let Sehun be happy; Kai prayed in the only way he knew. He had not been a religious man. He had no reason to be so. But his mother had taught him that Christmas was for everyone and every single one should be happy on that day. He didn't care about his happiness anymore. Just let Sehun be happy and safe. It was a day to celebrate and yet, Kai couldn't wait for death to present itself.

More hours passed and Kai was finally out of tears to shed. He was too tired. Too sleepy and he wanted to just get over with everything already. The dream had been so beautiful that it was impossible to betied. Kai was glad in some way that one his many unfulfilled dreams has at least given him a speck of joy. He slumped the back of his head onto the wall behind him, wondering if he would actually come across something like heaven and hell.

That was when the door jerked open and Kai squinted to clap his eyes on who was entering. He managed to get a modicum of the darkness of the night and the falling snow. The door was slammed shut in an instant. It took Kai several seconds to perceive the figure that had stepped in and was staring at Kai but he'd recognize that delineation anywhere. His breath stopped for a moment before he tried to stagger onto his feet, wholly forgetting about the pain. But he didn't succeed in standing up when Sehun lunged onto him after dropping to his knees. Kai's breath quickened, unable to believe that Sehun was actually here, in his arms, his heartbeat against Kai's own. Sehun pulled back with tears drenching his cheeks as he clasped his hands on the sides of Kai's face. "No.. no no no.." he chanted, scanning Kai's bruised face. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Oh god.."

Kai savagely grabbed Sehun's head and pulled him into another brutal hug. He couldn't possibly believe that Sehun was right here, with him. He clung onto Sehun's shirt at the back as he cried into Sehun's shoulder. The lightness in Kai's chest suddenly turned heavy. Why was Sehun in here? But he didn't get the chance to ask when Sehun drew back to kiss all over Kai's face. "Kai.." Sehun kept repeating like a mantra as he touched every part of Kai's bruise with his lips. Devastated, Kai took a moment to focus on his unforgiving breathing, going limp against Sehun's body. Sehun supported Kai's whole weight before he helped Kai to lean back on the wall. He lightly brushed Kai's hair off his face, still crying and panting. "What had they done to you..." he wiped his eyes with the sleeves and placed his palms onto Kai's chest.

 _'What... are... you... doing... here?'_ Kai struggled to move his hands but managed to ask the question. _'Did.. they find.. out about you?'_

Tears kept trickling down Sehun's cheek relentlessly. He pulled out a white cloth that looked like a hankerchief from the satchel that hung on his hip and gently wiped Kai's jaw with it. Kai gripped Sehun's hand and the back of his neck. "No." Sehun said at last and pulled his hand free to wipe Kai's bloody mouth. "No.." he wept. "No.. No, Kai.." his hysteric actions worried Kai.

_'Get out of here, Sehun.'_

"No, I'm not leaving you."

 _'Are you insane?!'_ Kai clutched at Sehun's collar, scowling in both misery and anger. Sehun's red eyes in the dim light threw Kai's own sanity over the edge and he yanked Sehun back into a hug. They stayed that way for minutes, just breathing against one another with Sehun's fingers lightly stroking Kai's hair at the back of his head. When they had finally calmed down, Kai broke the embrace to take a good look at Sehun's beautiful face which he might never see again. He dragged his thumb along Sehun's jawline, keeping his eyes fixated on Sehun's rosy lips.

"They... they are.. g-going to.. hang you in a day's time, Kai." Sehun fisted his hand around Kai's shirt at the chest. "There.. wouldn't be a trial. They... are not going to let you defend yourself."

Kai dropped his hands from Sehun's face. _'I know, Sehun. I can't speak even if they let me.'_

Sehun brought their foreheads together. "My father... is not going to let me speak either. The chapel won't listen."

Kai grasped Sehun's arms and squeezed them so hard that Sehun winced. He released him and shook his head. _'Don't you dare, Sehun. Go home. You will not tell anyone!'_

"I'm not going to tell anyone." he said slowly and sat down on the ground before Kai, taking Kai's hands into his own. "I had to bribe the watchmen to get in. He will not let me stay for long. The sun will come up soon. I don't know... how to free you from this. There's just no way. I snuck out from my house but they will realize that I'm gone when they wake up in the morning. I thought Ayden would understand. But he thinks that you did something to me. He and everyone else think that you befouled me. I tried to talk to them but they.. they just won't listen. And Bomi was there. She said that she knows about you. She told everything to father even though she knew what would happen to you. I begged and begged. I even promised them that I will stay away from you. But it was futile. They locked me up. I would have come earlier but I couldn't." he was talking too fast for Kai to even comprehend it right. "My father is going to send me to the capital for secular study tomorrow itself. Kai... It's Christmas." he flashed a painful smile. "Couple more hours and the sun will come up. It's past Christmas midnight now."

Kai's chest pricked and pained. _'Go home, Sehun. You have to go home.'_ his eyes stung with tears.

Sehun shook his head, still with that miserable smile etched on his chapped lips. "I will die the minute they hang you." he brushed Kai's hair. "This cruel world will not let us live together no matter how genuine our love is. Betraying one's spouse is acceptable in this world. Having four mistresses are okay. But a love between two men is not. Kai, I don't want to live without you."

_'No. You can. And you will.'_

Sehun raised his hand to stop Kai. "You are my heartbeat, Kai."

That moment, Kai thought that he was the luckiest man to have ever earned so much love and the most unfortunate soul to die just after few months of this love. _'And you are mine. Which is why I need you to leave.'_

Sehun settled on the ground between Kai's legs and pressed a side of his face onto Kai's chest. A few more moments with Sehun ought to ease Kai's pain. He draped an arm over Sehun's body, asking himself if Sehun could hear how calm Kai's heartbeat was. His warmth, his love, his touch, Kai will miss them all. He was going to be punished for falling in love. He can't blame anyone for that but his rotten luck. He could never catch a break. Kai closed his eyes, enjoying these last moments with Sehun.

More than few minutes passed and Sehun had not bothered to tear away from Kai. But when he did, his tears had dried and a smile persisted on his lips. "I haven't read your letter." he said and Kai's heart skipped a beat. "Am I allowed to read it now?"

It took Kai all his strength and willpower to manage a nod. Sehun licked his lips as his dug his satchel before fishing out the letter. He briefly eyed Kai and started reading it. His expression crumpled while his gaze followed the lines of the letter. Gradually, his lips quivered as his eyes reddened with tears. Once he was done reading it, he folded gently and sucked in a shaky breath. He refused to make eye-contact with Kai for some while. "You should have approached me sooner. You should have confessed to me the day you fell in love with me. You should have just pulled me and forced me to bed you or something!" he swung a fist to plunge it into Kai's chest but stopped halfway. He quickly wiped the tears that spilled and blinked his eyes fast. "We might have had more time."

 _'I regret nothing.'_ Kai forced a smile.

Sehun held Kai's burnt hand, intertwining their fingers and stared at the clasped hands for a moment. "I'm sorry, Kai."

Kai pulled his hand back. _'Don't be, Sehun. I only wish that we had more time together. But other than that, you have made me so happy. So much love in just one lifetime. In just several weeks. I couldn't ask for more.'_

"And I can't live without you."

_'Stop saying that.'_

"What don't you understand, Kai? Do you expect me to move on? Do you think that I will be able to live with myself? You said you love me. You married me. Do you even know what marriage means? It means we don't abandon each other. It means that wherever you go, I will follow. Do you expect me to forget all that and breathe, live this unjust life? What do you take me for? Did you think I am like those people who can simply move on just for the sake of living?"

_'Sehun-'_

"Stop. If you think I will be alive without you, you're wrong."

 _'What do you suggest?'_ Kai could feel his stomach churning.

Sehun offered a short grin and reach for his satchel before drawing out a small jar. Kai stared blankly at Sehun. "I couldn't think of a better ending for us." he pulled the stopper out and even the smell discharged was enough to inform Kai of what the jar held.

_'What do you think-'_

"Please, Kai." Sehun's eyes glimmered as he pleaded. "Let me do this... please. It's either now or tomorrow. I will die either way. But it will be tragic if you don't let me do this now. This way..." he began to shed tears again. "This way I will be happy. No matter where we run to in this world, we will be egged on. We will have to hide our love. Maybe it wouldn't be the same after this." his eyes dropped to the jar.

Kai gripped Sehun's wrist that had the wristlet that Kai had given him, staring at him with wide eyes.

"Please... Kai. We can have a happy ending, too."

Kai released his wrist.

His whole life flashed before him in fragments. His short, miserable life would have a happy ending as Sehun had said. 17 years of nothing but rejection, Kai was finally accepted by someone he utterly loved. Sehun's persistence was not a joke either. He seemed genuine enough to end his life right after Kai's death. At least this way, they will be able to be in each other's arms until the very end. Hishappiness was short-lived but he was glad to have known people who cared for him. Sehun, Taeyong, his boss, even Taeyong's mother who was kind enough to soothe Kai's pain.

He leaned back on the wall.

Sehun brought the jar to Kai's lips. The pungent smell of the Belladonna and Doll's Eye poultice stung Kai's nose. He wondered where Sehun had managed to get the deadly, poisonous poultice from and guessed that it would have much to do with Sehun's friendship with the village's leech. "It will be easy." Sehun convinced. Kai took in a deep breath, eyes closed and parted his lips. Slowly, the abhorrent liquid dribbled past Kai's bottom lip and burned his tongue with its acrid taste. Kai winced but didn't move away until the last drop of his portion of the poison. The fluid burned all along his throat as if he was swallowing fire itself. When he had finally swallowed all of it, his eyes snapped open to Sehun who was crying silently with his mouth clenched shut. Half of the jar remained. Sehun wiped Kai's lips with the hankerchief again before dropping his gaze to the jar. Kai seized his wrists but Sehun only smiled, pulled his wrists free and drank the remainder of the poison. It ached Kai's chest to see Sehun doing it just because he had fallen in love with Kai. If only Kai had never confessed...

Once the jar was emptied, Sehun licked his lips and caught his breath for some minutes. They sat there, simply watching one another's face, probably wondering how long they had left. The moment passed and Sehun opened his mouth to speak again. "I brought mistletoe."

Kai would have wept if he only had some tears left in him. Sehun pulled a sprig of mistletoes out of the satchel and held it above his head. Smiling, he asked, "Will you kiss me under the mistletoe?"

What cruel fate was this...

Kai knelt up, ignoring every single pain in his body and cupped Sehun's face. His lips brushed both of Sehun's cheeks before he let their lips touch. The kiss was too painful yet so beautiful and it will forever be etched in Kai's brain. Sehun's tongue only lightly grazed Kai's lip as Kai kissed Sehun's upper lip, slow and gentle. The next second, the mistletoe was casted down and Sehun was clinging onto Kai's shirt at his back, kissing Kai with every ounce of strength he had. Kai tasted salt on his lips and he was too caught up with the kiss to decide whose tears he was tasting. By the time the kiss was broken, they were both left gasping for air.

"I never got the chance to dance with you." Sehun said, swiping his thumb along Kai's bottom lip.

Kai shook his head, a corner of his lips twitching up. _'I don't dance.'_

"Oh come on. You are terrible at playing flute. But I'm sure you could manage some moves."

Shaking his head, Kai rose to his feet with Sehun's hand in his and pulled Sehun up with him. _'Teach me, then.'_ he could barely stand but at this moment, he wasn't willing to mope over his bruises now.

Sehun's mouth stretched into a genuine smile as he brought both of Kai's hands to the sides of his waist. Kai automatically latched his hands onto them while Sehun locked his own around Kai's neck. He slowly pulled Kai into a swaying move and they were already dancing a languid, effortless dance. Kai's gaze kept bouncing from Sehun's eyes and mouth but he didn't dare to look away. He wanted to see Sehun as much as he could. "I had a dream." Sehun said suddenly. "Few days back. We were living somewhere... odd. The house was round." he chuckled and Kai smiled. "Everything was white in there. It was so weird. But it felt so good. We had a bunny. A brown one."

Kai wished that he could write one last letter to tell Sehun about his dream. His heart literally pricked that moment. And he knew that it was the poison's doing.

Sehun laid his head on Kai's shoulder as their feet kept moving lightly. Eventually, they came to a stop and just stood frozen, in an embrace. Sehun pulled back and kissed Kai's forehead. "Thank you for this amazing adventure. I never knew that someone could love without limit. Even when you can't hear me say that I love you or when I can't hear you say that you love me, I found a wonderful lover that I hope to be with even in all of my other lives." he lifted his hands off Kai's neck. _'I love you.'_

Kai held the sides of Sehun's face and connected their lips for a passionate kiss as they dropped to their knees. Kai forced a smile as he wiped the tears on Sehun's cheeks. _'And you will never know how much I love you.'_

His stomach flipped and Kai almost grimaced but not yet, just not yet. A few more hours with Sehun and he will happily give up. They fell onto the ground, lying side-by-side, facing each other as Sehun stroked Kai's hair. "You grow your stubble too fast." he giggled, sliding his fingers down Kai's jaw. Kai pulled him close until their chests were smashed together. "I'm getting sleepy." his eyes were a little droopy as well. Kai kissed Sehun's lips one last time before letting Sehun rest his head on his arm. When Sehun caressed Kai's cheek, he realized that the boy's hand was colder than it had been just several minutes ago. Even then, he managed to smile. "Merry Christmas, Kai."

 _'Merry Christmas, Sehun.'_ he tugged Sehun close until their foreheads brushed as he watched Sehun close his sleepy eyes just before Kai closed his.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
